for the protectors [venting and advice]

Bumping this, in case anyone wants to use it instead of (or in addition to) the new thread for "persecutors."

I guess I might post here.

It feels like I have become host, due to being a medical protector and us being very sick, but it kind of feels like now I'm in charge of every day to day stuff, that I need protecting too. Have any protectors discovered this?

Not us personally but our SO system has 2 protectors and one of them is jelous/upset that they have to be the protector and that the buck stops with them.
Its also something I see mentioned a bit on tumblr so you are not alone in wanting your own protection.

As you heal your roles often expand hopefully some one will come share the burden with you soon.

**TW suidcial thoughts**

This is Kit our system is having a bit of a meltdown... not really the entire system more the 'social ones' led by Kate..I had to re-split from her in an emergency because they were having thoughts of a nature that they didn't want to be here anymore because no-one wanted them in their life.

What actually happened was them over-reacting to a throw away comment by the brother which was unfair of him considering he had never once told us what he actually wanted then called us selfish because he felt he couldn't do what he wanted (on his birthday)...when we had no idea that what he wanted had changed because he'd never told us!

The problem is Kate see's him as her son so she's now feeling totally rejected by him and the social teens (The S team - all the ones that identify with the orginal birth name) felt they had got much closer to him since the pandemic and the stroke and because he never told us they had no idea he was really wanting to go back to life the way it was before the pandemic where he could go out with his mates and partner for his birthday.

They are also feeling pushed out because the new partner has a very similar name and has moved into 'our home' with him (I keep telling them thats not our home anymore..this house with Mr Woof is our home), has 'their name' and gets all his time (they work together now too). They decided he called them selfish because he doesn't love them anymore so there's no point in them 'being here'. They even put the internal versions of him and our dad into stasis so they don't have to even interact with internal versions of them and then went dormant themselves. Well tried to... as 'lil P' was actually Phoenix (a changeling) in his form they just changed form and escaped stasis.. They've been given the job of looking after the pre-7 trauma fragments (internal wildlife/pets) instead.

So relaising 'Kitty' was intending to go into dormancy I had to split from her so I could get back to the front, Bobby has aged back up to help out and Jess has taken human form to help out at the front.

Lily didn't go dormant she's returned inside to help Sue with the littles until things settle down again as LS didn't want to 'go to sleep forever' and Jody is still with them helping too.

I'm sure they'll be back the next time the bro decides to pay us some attention (probably our birthday) but me and B are the only human hosts with ability to cope with the isolation for long periods of time.

In a way this just proves my point of why we need to be seperate as we all have our own areas where we cope better and if we'd been totally fused then that one host had decided they'd had enough of life based on this comment, what would have happened? and to Mr Woof? ...alone with 'a body' and no-one even attempting to contact us again for at least another month???

Anyway rant over

Kit

Greetings Kit (and co),

Ideally a fusion happens naturally as parts begin to lose their purpose. As long as a part is needed to cope, that part shall remain in one form or another. This is impossible to achieve when parts still struggle with trauma and each part has a different task assigned to them.

Neurotypical people also experience different opinions at one time, but they associate conflicting opinions with themselves and see the conflict as different aspects of their own opinion. Eventually a fusion is supposed to allow for a similar situation. Skills, memories, and opinions are shared. In the case of your TW... those thoughts would have been something a fully fused version of you would have possessed the skills to cope.

It is easy to slip into anxious doom thinking, but there is no benefit to linger on "what if"? Right now you learned you are not quite ready to be fused entirely, and that is okay. Take it one step at a time and let things occur naturally. Whether you will be fused or a functional multiplicity in the end, it will work out. Just take your time and breathe.

Wishing you all best,


Kay

Thank you Kay

We have struggled with Emotional Regulation and memory since the stroke. Some of us were cut off completely from the front originally and had to be 'found' again and were too damaged to be host again for a while.

Pathways between alters had been damaged too so things like having a 'central pot' of skills, memories for others to share wasn't working for all..some were still unable to reach or retain the memories.

Making new memories has been a big issue but different hosts had different ideas of what was considered a 'new memory' to them. eg for ones around in later life a midlife memory may have been considered a 'past memory,' which for them was automatically remembered ...to one who felt they hadn't been about since the 80's and didn't remeber that mid-life time period at all..that was a 'new memory' they struggled to remember long enough to learn from.

Having the additional mood swings , brain fog etc caused by peri too on top of all that hasn't helped!

We've had to work around some memory issues by basically just trying to 'mix and match' parts to see who could reach each other or blend with another and stay blended long enough to 'swap info' then for each to try and find someone else they could pass that onto...eventually everyone seems to be 'on the same page '..at least of the more developed hosts.

It seems all we can do for the very early damaged fragments with no language, is assign them a caretaker(s) to look after their needs on the inside, hence Bobby 'building a world 'they would be able to understand and feel safe within. Their needs are very primitive and basic and they show no ability to understand that there's an 'outside world' beyond recognising familiar carers who live inside with them.

The only 'therapy' we have received thoughout has been basic stroke rehab stuff, mainly focused on regaining physical ability and been able to take care of our basic needs etc. I think we've just kept switching about in the hope maybe one of us had retained some skills others had lost and we could find a way to transfer them between us.

Kit

Hi Kit,

The stroke sounds tough. When we're injured it's so hard because we know we're weak and can't protect the system if something bad happens. That really gets to us. Hope you're getting better.

Colin

IainEtc wrote:Hi Kit,

The stroke sounds tough. When we're injured it's so hard because we know we're weak and can't protect the system if something bad happens. That really gets to us. Hope you're getting better.

Colin

Thanks Colin. It's ok most days now but this morning got a bit challenging.

Today me and Jess were out taking Mr Woof for his morning walk early and there was a man coming up the main road who was shouting, we have no idea what he was shouting or who at but there was no-one else with him. Just another woman further up the road who had already passed us..... doing a fitness walk holding her phone, he must have been loud as she had those ear bud things in and still turned round to see what has happening! He was either heading home very drunk, on drugs or was maybe schizophrenic?

I felt vulnerable and unable to protect our system and our dog although he would have been reactive if the man had got too close to us appearing to shout at us or moving in an unpredictable manner at us. I drove our scooter down what I knew was just a cul de sac with houses so we could hide and see if he went up past where we were heading but he didn't. After waiting a while we braved peering out (as couldn't hear anything to know how close or far away he may be) and he wasn't about ...so hurried on home!

Usually its safer to be out very early morning though and we don't see anyone other than a few other dog walkers or joggers! Does make you feel very vulnerable though as imagining all the things that could happen and our sibling is away this weekend too so not within easy distance to get here quickly in an emergency.

I think we're safe now though so Jess will be having some time up front to practice their fine motor control.

Kit