keep on keeping on

we had that T conversation. i am struggling to find words for how #######5 this therapy is. we seriously couldnt come up with a better T without moving...

you guys will think we are crazy for even going there.
i confronted her with the deeper levels of dissociative stuff that are going on and she just... ignored it. again.
never in my whole life have i seen a T more in denial about our DID than we are, but there she is.

the good results: more clarity. she will keep ignoring the whole dissociation part and only focus on the trauma part. something we got to deal with somehow.
we have done trauma work like this. an adult front with everyone involved kind of co-present. solving all the conflicts that come from the trauma exposition by ourselves. with the rule that nobody else can speak to the T, everything has to go thru the host. it is the most stressful, most painful thing we have done in our life. with good results. some of the worst flashbacks and especially body flashbacks down to almost nothing. extremely good results that make daily life bearable. cause we have had body flashs that would leave us on the floor screaming on a daily basis and those are gone.
trauma work means a lot of preparation, a lot of work within the system to keep things going while working thru pain, and all that while keeping the host front...
we have said it before, this kind of therapy is a host killer. it works. we wouldnt do it if i didnt. the price is high.

with all the alter related problems this T will leave us alone. we have discussed therapy for so long. finally the protectors agreed we could try again, be more open, just because they felt so lonely. now she basically said that she wont help anyone but a host. how much denial must a person be in...
sorry if this is more like a rant...

we are working thru tough stuff under unbeable conditions simply because it is so important to get some relief from the constant flashs...
but we have reached the turning point. this therpay is almost doing as much good as it is doing harm.
right now we just experience an old childhood trauma again, needs not being met, kids not being heard, just not being heard! we have JUST been working on the deeper needs and trust and this just blows it all up.

there will be more discussions. i bet you guys think there is nothing to discuss cause this is just a fatal T-relationship. but we have to consider the possible benefits of another trauma session. D needs help and there is a possibility, even if that will be extra tough for everyone.
we have already decided not to see the T that often anymore. if she cant help with everyday-alter-life then she is little use for us. we also reduce the time for a session. not much to share about if there cannot be alter talk.

i am jealous. openly and fiercly jealous of everyone who has a proper T who would listen to kids.
well, if i stop seeing this T the health insurance wont cover another one for the next 2 years. if i stay with that T there are only a limited number of sessions left, then the health insurance wont cover anything for the next 2 years. guess what, i am out here all by myself for 2 years anyway. there is no way we could afford to pay a T directly. we are freaking doomed.

Annett with Asti, cant decide for a color

Annett & Asti,

I really respect you for doing what you have to do in the situation you've got. I'm pretty angry at your T because you deserve better. But I know there's not much to do about it right now. Use whatever you can and ditch the rest.

Just to let you know. You're not doomed. You have a whole forum here for you. Just got to keep safe and keep going. (sounds simple right? )

You are brave people.

Colin

i wish Maya was here. food is such a struggle. D ... its hard to tell if she is just trying to enforce her anorexia or if she is truely suicidal. the only one who wins the food battle against her is Maya...
i sound like a cranky child.

Annett thinks we are doomed. it hit her hard, to be more open, even about needing help and then to just get ignored as a response. its a helpless anger that makes her want to give up. she doesnt like feeling helpless.

we still have this assistant T to ask for advice, as well as support here on the forum and friends who are for us. it just sucks that things have to be so hard all the time. longing for a fairy godmother with an easy way.

thanks for patiently responding to this emotional mess.

we just keep going. there is another trauma session coming up this week.
i am doing my best to prepare everything, make plans for food, do all the grocery shopping for some days ahead, make plans how to stay busy for a few days if things get confusing...

we must be crazy, going into trauma work like that with a T who wont interact with alters.
A showed up last session and scared her a little. i guess she wanted to make sure the T knows she is there to step in in case of emergency. not sure if that helped, that T is intimidated easily... not sure if she realized A is there to protect, not attack.

in theory the plan for the trauma session sounds ok. get the scene up, see if D wants to join, she did last time and it helped her a lot, then see if... we can get her to switch i guess. D is like a gate to a completely different level of alters, people we hardly know. they only show up when D is up, which is not regularly. there is a very sexual teen and a scared boy and some who identify with the abuser.
we know that either the boy or the teen carry some stuff about this one scene that is important to reduce some of the symptoms. its just fully out of control who might come up and what might happen.
and we know... the T doesnt want to see any of this. we need to stay focussed, keep an adult up front, not let anything be seen. i am not even sure if that is possible. if i could have D mostly co-present and then have her switch without her or the others fronting completely. trying to balance the impossible here.
i get the feeling that this time it will not be an easy session for the T. all that is connected to D is stuff we cant control as core team. its like playing with a completely different team. a darker shade of everything...
i am nervous about the session. its probably going to be an explosion. we do believe we can keep things safe. maybe that is folly. but we do believe in it. and maybe nothing will happen at all cause those parts dont want to engage in therapy. who knows.

Maya woke up. someone here wrote about dogs and it meant so much to her she came out of hiding she has a lot of energy and having her around is good for all of us. plus she reminds me to eat.

Mike continued taking notes for his book. its starting to look like a lot of notes. maybe he will actually do it, publish i mean. i am amazed by his insight.

last december we applied for a clinic just for stabilisation. it took forever, but the insurance agreed to cover the costs. now the application goes to the clinic and it will take another 3 months. its the place i picked that is pretty quiet. some time to rest. i am looking forward to that. Annett is freaking out about being away from home with possibly dangerous people around (other patients. they usually dont bite!) and she is already making escape plans in case things go terribly wrong. we have never been good in clinics. we get so insecure that its protectors only and nobody ever gets close. we are a Ts nightmare cause they just cant get past the protectors.
it sucks, that we will have to tell our story from the very beginning. again. i will ask Mike to write it down so we can just hand it to them.
i dont know, it will probably be summer before we get there. we shouldnt worry about it too much now... as soon as i think about the time after the clinic i get desperate and depressed. i dont see how this should work out. they want us to get into a work programm and we just dont have the strength left to do that. maybe the clinic will help, but we are not strong enough to go thru all this. i could just return to old habits, that made us crush in the first place... thinking about the future is dark and depressing. baby steps. seriously crazy trauma work first...

Hi Asti

It's not unusual for one Alter to be a link, or conduit to other Alters. Purely from a neural connectome perspective, those parts may only be physically linked through the connecting Alter's neural connections. Initially, that is, but through a process called neuroplasticity new linkages can be created, making the dislocated Alters more accessible. At least that's one theory...

Deep trauma therapy is really tough work! It sounds quite complicated trying to manage it through a single Alter. But you know what your System is capable of. Make sure you have a plan as to how you're going to get out of there, and safely home, if things do explode and become very overwhelming. And planning for the following days is really smart.

Good news about the clinic. Please let Annett know that you're not "doomed" I wanted to tell her myself, but never got the opportunity. You will cope. Don't regress to old, bad coping habits. Keep up your new, healthy coping habits. Every right decision, and action in the present, will take you to the future you desire.

Good luck. Will be waiting to hear how it goes... Brett

you are doing your best in a tough situation.

keep on keeping on. we are cheering for you.

That sounds so incredibly difficult! I'm sorry that you have such limited access to any decent therapy, and that the insurance is cutting you off for 2 years! That's a lot to bear.

Glad to hear that Maya came out of hiding!

You all clearly have a ton of strength and resiliency to be dealing with so much, and to still be working through so much trauma while not having the right support.

We've got your back, in the ways that people over the internet can!

we made it thru. alive, tired and a little freaked out.
it was tough and intense, but i think that some good things happened.
i think D found her way out of confusion. i wasnt aware of how twisted her mind was thru all the manipulation...
still in the process of digesting all that happened. it was kind of terrible. like diving into $#%^ to find a diamond, but having to blindly grope for it for more than an hour...

i managed to keep most of what was going on inside. D came out to give a few nasty statements... the T took it well enough. i shared only what was necessary about what was going on inside and she went with it. talking about parts like they are, i dont know, this "inner child" stuff we hate so badly. i made sure that the violence stayed inside to protect the T and us. and i think i could help D a little, showing a way to handle the anger... we will see.
all i want now is a burger and sleep.

Good morning

@Asti: It appears like a lot of processing is required for what was essentially a complex session. I hope you get some real benefit out of it.

@Annett: Sounds like effective cooperation!

Well done. Thanks for the update... Brett

Asti and Annett, you guys did great! Sounds like you handled it. Good work keeping the violence under control. Hope you can use this stuff even if it comes from working with a difficult T.

Colin & Iain