keep on keeping on

L has been out more lately, but only for light activity and stuff she considers relaxing.
there was a hard trigger last week and she wasnt out since then. i dont think that she is ready for any serious work or pressure. she seems different. very silent, almost like she is daydreaming. she hasnt spoken much.
she tried to explain what happened to her during the breakdown. seems like she never planned to leave us alone, but when she started to fall apart she somehow fell inside and didnt have the strength to come out. she said someone kept her from coming out. i dont know who this could be. usually i am the one who keeps people from fronting. maybe there are more of us than we thought.

we will keep our assistant T for as long as we want to. sessions with him are not limited for us. but they are monthly, so i dont know what its worth. maybe better than nothing at all. at least we are free to share alter-related things with him.

slowly making progress with the eating. Maya is awesome, she can eat in any circumstances.
we (Mike and me really) discussed the current situation, the exhaustion, the aggression, hopelessness and the feeling of being stuck. they call this therapy-tired. we will ask for a short therapy vacation and work on having fun and increase stability. its not a good time to fix this money problem. not so soon after we spent so much energy on serious trauma work. sometimes a short break can make a big difference.

Hi Annett - You could never be doomed! You're awesome.

Hi Asti - Things do look a bit complicated for you. I'm disappointed in your T. She asks you not to present the Littles so much, and then when you do, she uses it to doubt her own diagnosis. That's not at all helpful, or what you need at the moment.

I'm glad you have your assistant T to work with - that is at least something.

I don't like money. It's an artificial construct that drains the spirit and causes endless suffering. The less time you can spend worrying about it, the better.

Try and find the most comfortable course of action for yourself. Don't be influenced too much by what the professionals say, or what the system demands, or how you think you should be living - according to the rest of the world - try and do what feels absolutely right for you. It's difficult to verbalize, but your Heart/Mind knows what you need, and what you're capable of, and even if it looks completely out-of-the-ordinary, it's what you really need.

I hope we can help in any way... Brett

the assistant T is not perfect either. in the country there is a new trend among clinic Ts to step away from the DID guidelines, because that makes short term therapy in the clinic so much easier. they refuse to talk to children. so its ok to talk about them, but they cant share themselves. the assistant T is the same, mainly because his supervisor told him to do it this way. if he realizes that anyone else but L shared something he might refuse to answer. he is speaking to me just because i make a good L-impression. last time A emailed him with important stuff he just ignored her. the benefit is really that i can say "trouble with D" and he might have advice, but we wouldnt talk to D.
we have worked around this problem of not being able to find a good T. the way we are forced to do it is harder cause we have to get communication going or just get stuck. and its reached its limits when kids want to share things but they dont want anyone else to know...
its a stupid situation. we have done our best with what was possible.

money is a weird concept. i have read a little bit about emotional health and money. and it seems like for most people it cant just be ignored. we have lived the last 10 years of our life working unpaid or badly paid jobs, not even earning enough to cover the rent for the tiny studio we lived in. i am not wondering about how to get rich, just how to step out of utter poverty. poverty means that you worry about money all the time, and that is part of what i want to stop. as you say, it makes people very unhappy to think about money all the time, if they have nothing or abundance of it.
its also meant to keep D from improvising when she thinks she needs money.

you are right Brett, i want to let go and be "ourselves". if it was just me i would plan this strict schedule, one thing after the other and just stick to it to make everything look perfect. i do struggle with the urge to do just that. but somehow the health and jobsystem out there has to deal with real people. i wonder if i will manage, not to meet the demands and allow some human weakness to be seen. this is how i protect. i create the picture of being capable of everything and people leave us alone. i am scared of showing that maybe we are not all-powerful...

birdsong87 wrote: i create the picture of being capable of everything and people leave us alone. i am scared of showing that maybe we are not all-powerful...

I can relate to this a lot. I think a lot of people can. And about the money thing. I worry about it all the time. I am actually quiet good with money, but things in life happen. I never took it for granted, nor was I greedy, it's just something that rather you like it or not you have to worry about. Life makes you worry about it because unless you live off the land, in a tax free area where there are no bills, then you have to worry about money. It's needed to survive.

Hi Asti

Getting good, understanding therapeutic treatment is difficult in some areas - probably most areas - but just to let you know what's out there on the other end of the spectrum: our therapist (clinical psychologist, outpatient) has a working relationship with every Alter that has presented to her. She engages completely with that Alter, at the emotional level of the Alter as it presents. She's not an expert in the field by any means, but she's empathetic and understands that that's what's needed.

Remember that you are one of the 'real people' too and just because you don't fit their model, doesn't make you any less important, or your needs any less real. In fact, for you, you are the most important person in your life. We often forget that when we're surrounded by systems, cultures, norms and experts.

As an Achiever, you probably really dislike failure. My therapist asked me why I take on everything I do? I have to be strong, I replied. It is fundamentally wired into me - I cannot fail, in anything, to fail is to be weak. He constantly challenges me on it.

Vulnerability: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Despite your trials, and your fears, at the core of you (and your System) is a universally powerful being, uncorrupted by the suffering you face on a daily basis. As ShawTrav stated, there are some things we just have to deal with to survive (money). But they shouldn't define us existentially.

Things aren't 'not working', they're just 'working differently'. It's been incredibly difficult - and it's still ongoing - going from my well-ordered, smugly, self-satisfied life to this insane ride that I'm currently on; one I have no choice but to learn to love.

Take care... Brett

and we made it. i asked for a vacation.
it is such a relief not to see a therapist for a while.
our task for the vacation is not to think about the future at all but be in the present and do whatever we like.

Maya has continued her wall painting. i put up wallpaper so she can draw on it like drawing on the wall she is telling a story that is about her castle and a journey into adventures and she keeps finding safe places that are really nice.
Mike started to take notes on his book. he decided to write something about DID and communication and stability. its just a lot of notes now, but it looks promising. even if it never gets published its still good to go thru all we have learned in the past few years.
Elle started to work on a drawing that is part of an arts project that will be sold and we will actually get paid for it.
and i am just happy because there will be a short vacation to the sea this year. safe people asked if we wanted to come with them. we all could use a beach right now.

it looks like the vacation from therapy was one of the best choices we have made lately.
and Mike found out why Annett and i were so reluctant to allow anyone to be open during therapy. a simple but unexpected transference problem that caused mistrust to explode again. its good to know where to start again when the vacation is over.

til then everyone seems excited to front to do fun stuff. i dont get it, we could have this every day. but then.... maybe because i call it vacation i allow things that i dont allow in our regular life... maybe it is me, i am too strict, going for responsibility rather than allowing individual expression. maybe we would all be happier if this control thing stopped... i guess that is unrealistic... maybe a little less control, that would do.

we are happy for you:) nice work! Enjoy yourselves!!

Hey Asti,

What a wonderful turn. The other Alters sound content and happy, and you sound super-excited about the future. I am thrilled for you. A safe place by the beach - very nice.

Sometimes, just putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do, and it's all you need to do...

As for your musings about having this every day, I agree with you, why not?

Enjoy yourself... Brett

Hi Asti,

Maya's wall painting sounds really cool! It's like an adventure story but with safe places. (Evan says Hi Maya!) It's also cool Mike is writing a book. Keep going Mike. We need more books to help people like us written by people like us.

Hope you all have the best vacation ever!

Iain

we asked for more vacation. but it feels less like vacation than the first few weeks.
there are intense internal discussions about therapy. especially with all kinds of protectors.

i was a little shocked when the first reaction to asking for a longer therapy break was a "good girl" coming up, trying to force us back to therapy, cause we needed to be "good" and follow the Ts wishes.
i know that the T made a fatal mistake just before the vacation and she always tries to fix those as soon as possible, so us telling her to wait longer could be a little difficult. i didnt expect to see the "good girl" get so aggressive about pleasing the T. she is not in the "co-con"-core team. we woke up to having red marker on our body, following the lines where she had cut in the past to intimidate into compliance. its a scary pattern too if we chose to take symbols seriously. just having that on the body and the difficulties removing it have been stressful. i see the warning. i also see that she didnt cut it into the skin this time. still a little clueless how to respond.

we started to discuss the pros and cons of that T as openly as possible. its weird to see that some hate about her what others love about her. and to see those who criticised her the most speak up for her the most, pointing out how we mess things up as well. getting closer to an understanding about why to continue, and even some ideas about how.

what has become painfully clear is that there is a loneliness inside that is like a big black hole.
when we were young we looked for help on the outside, but there was none. just realizing that is painful in itself. so we turned inside for help. now we always turn inside for help, not expecting anything from outside. but secretly wishing for someone from the outside to help. desperately waiting for someone to see us and reach out. at the same time we make sure that we dont need anyone. the T has told us many times that we are always faster than her, seeing thru things, finding solutions. we have a good team inside that is quick to fix things so nobody from the outside is ever needed. its those same people who are so quick in finding solutions who feel the most lonely. who express the most frustration for not being helped. who are the most desperate to wish that someone could see behind the surface.
so these protectors want it the most, need it the most and are those who make it comepletely impossible at the same time. and it seems like they cant help themselves, its just what they do.
how do we get past this?