keep on keeping on

Beautiful Asti!!! You guys are so good!

Iain & Colin

IainEtc wrote:Beautiful Asti!!! You guys are so good!

Iain & Colin

thank you guys, you are awesome as well

it feels like things are changing rapidly and i feel out of control. i really really like control.
L has been showing up more often lately, also spending time up front. she is weeping a lot. i kind of understand how helpless she feels. there has been a lot going on and she is sensitive.

i got a little confused, cause Annett started to go into rebellion against my rules. i am very structured. i make sure that everything happens. A got pretty forceful in destroying the structures that have kept us going for months. but i know we are no fighting each other anymore and she is not angry with me.

our T said that she is doing a good job. that was a little hard to hear. she wants us to break free from strict structure. L has been pretty depressed about meeting those demands in our life and she felt like she would suffocate in my control system.

so it looks like we gotta find a way to work this out. i will not let things get as bad as they were. but A is fighting for freedom from control so L might find some joy in life and not just pressure. i dont get it why they think control would be pressure, it just makes things work! but if that is what they feel...

its hard for me to let go and let Annett lead L back into a life that might not break her. i am jealous. am i the wrong person to do that? obviously. but i know A is ALL about safety so i watch and wait. so far things have looked a little chaotic and things werent done when i thought they should be done. but L spent some time in the kitchen preparing some real good meals. she likes that a lot. and while they didnt stick to my routine they got most of it done over the week and some more that i have been neglecting cause it was not very important. maybe its important for that feeling of being free and not just efficient. very thoughtful.

i guess its another season of learning new things. our T says its a good development, a new step into life and freedom. i hope she is right and this will not end in chaos.

Hi Asti,

You're doing really good things.

I like to make sure things are done right and sometimes Iain gets on my nerves when he interferes. I had to learn to let go and Iain learned letting me do it gets it done right. We negotiate things a lot.

One thing really helped was rating jobs. A physical safety issue and I'm in charge no argument. If social skills are required Iain's in charge. Stuff like that. Not everything has to be done right. Took me a long time to accept that.

Good luck,

Colin

Hi Asti

I also think you're doing a great job!

It's difficult to let go for some of us. We really want things to be done a particular way. But it's more important to celebrate everyone's strengths and allow them to develop themselves.

A good Leader is one who influences those around them to achieve their best.

Take care... Brett

IainEtc wrote: Not everything has to be done right.

LearnToLoveTheRide wrote:A good Leader is one who influences those around them to achieve their best.

thats some real wisdom right there

it looks like things are not working. i somehow thought they would, but A seems distracted and things are going down. dropped 5 pounds in just a week because this well-trained body didnt get enough food.
i struggle to understand the source of the problem. maybe its not A, maybe its because we started to focus on our last big goal for this therapy season.

we started to read a book about money. its not that we spend too much or get scared not to have enough. its more the opposite. we get very insecure when owning more than a certain (small) amount of money and we get out of our mind scared when someone gives us money. like a paycheck. i want to work again so badly but we need to get this thing fixed first or we will drop out of every job within a month.
or do what A despises the most, work hard and long hours without payment like we have done it all our life. i really want to get us out of poverty but its kind of difficult when you are afraid of money.

Mike and i are working on finding thought patterns spread over the system that are connected to money. we have found a few big ones. we consider them big when the basic idea of "when this and that happens" ends with "i am going to die" fear of death is the hardest to deal with. even now, when nobody is harming us if we dont do it ourselves...
i have very little hope. it wont be long and our T will send us to that other clinic, we will have to talk to new Ts, running out of time. but pressure isnt helping. and now, instead of working on the money issues, we work on eating again.

Hi Asti

Sounds like you and Mike are working on important stuff. What's the deal about the new clinic? Are you guys going to have to start all over again?

Iain

our T got a little insecure a while ago. she is not a DID professional and sometimes gets scared when dissociation is hard. we are trying to show her a stable face and keep the kids from coming up so she wont get even more scared. but she asked us to go to a clinic where someone can watch us 24/7 for another diagnosis. we have been diagnosed with DID about 7 years ago, that was confirmed again 2 years ago, but she is not sure, mostly because she told us that she doesnt want to see kids outside so we kept the kids inside and now she doesnt feel like there are kids around.... but then its hard to explain the time loss....
we somehow keep therapy working for us while pretending that we are all the same person to not frighten her further. its a miracle we still get something done.

our insurance only covers a certain amount of hours, those will be over soon, then we have to take a 2 year break before we can go on. we will be on our own then. this new clinic is supposed to help us get more stable quickly so we can go into a programm to get us back into work and the main thought behind it is to have us working for those 2 years to keep us busy while we wait to continue therapy. its a horrible system and i dont want to think about the future too much cause in my opinion what they are asking for is impossible.
if we want any kind of therapy for the next 2 years, starting this summer, we have to go inpatient, get to know new Ts, share the whole story all over again...
i believe that this system is way more expensive for the insurance company cause we will end up inpatient a lot, while we were able to get thru the past 2 years without seeing a hospital at all.

we are doomed.

Hi Annett - You guys can't be completely doomed when there are protectors like you.

Asti, that sounds complicated. Lucky you understand it. I don't get insurance companies sometimes because they complain about money then tell you to do it the most expensive way. Either way sounds like you need another T.

Iain

its not easy to find a good T, especially in the area where i live. she is the ONLY trauma T in the area so we were glad she took us in. we have tried to work around the problem that she has no clue about DID with an assistant T who has some experience, but hes pretty far away.

and when summer comes there wont be a T anymore. cant imagine how things should work out.
i am sick of having to manage on my own and i am sick of having to talk to new Ts and i really dont know how to tell the kids that help will be gone soon.

its almost like a violent act, clinic, get us fixed quickly so that they can push us into some kind of work, who cares what, to make everything look like its working out for us, then keep that mask up for 2 years... i dont know if we can do it. i could if i was on my own. but not with L just coming back to life and unable to take any stress.

i am seriously worried about the future.

Yeah. Two years without support sounds rough. How's L doing? Can she take the load? Any chance of changing things with your old T? Guess not or you probably would have done that already. Wish I could help more.

Colin