keep on keeping on

by **birdsong87** » Sat Jan 09, 2016 6:01 pm

CollectivelyMe wrote:We have a bulimic, and self starver, in our collective as well. The bulumia tends to be a trigger reaction by one who is dark and uses self punishment and self degradation as her "coping" response. It can last a few days, and can get pretty messy, but she can usually be reasoned with to not hurt the body too extensively. The one who starves is harder to negotiate with when she is determined to have her way, and she would like for none of us to ever eat. Sometimes she can freeze the mouth of whoever is fronting, this can be scary, and she can be very strong.

that sounds a LOT like what we have here. it helps to know that i am not the only one in this struggle.
eating is more stable now.

over new years eve we had an incident...
dont know what triggered it but we stumbled into a ritual of self-punishment. this has only happened twice last year. i can only guess what is happening, but it seems like we follow a set of rules and actions that result in pretty serious and terrible self-harm.
this time, for the first time ever, the emergency stop i have been working on actually worked. what a relief! i have tried to figure out the different steps of what we do while blacking out completely and found one situation where i might be able to get out.
i have started a different ritual of self-care after doing our workout, which we enjoy a lot, and used just a tiny bit of the self-harm ritual in it, combined with an intense good smell.

when we went into automatic toward self-harm we got to that point and somehow changed direction into the self-care ritual from that crucial point on and woke up. this wowed me, that it actually worked. some of us were terribly scared afterward cause its very scary to lose control and there is great fear of that kind of self-harm.

Mike is back. after months of hiding in the black. we didnt have a chance to talk yet. he seems ok and willing to stay. i really want to know what was wrong with him... but i am glad there is some help. especially with Thamara being very needy i am so glad to have some help again. things look so much better right now. planning to do some more trauma work toward the end of the month. that will be stressful again but right now i am just thankful for things being easier for a moment.

That is good BirdSong that you had a plan that worked to help you prevent self harm. Very good indeed. Also good that Mike is back and perhaps you can help him with the reasons why he left in the first place. Might have something to do with the self harm. Hang in there, and keep doing that self care plan of yours.

by **birdsong87** » Mon Jan 11, 2016 9:15 pm

i talked with Mike and i almost wish i hadnt.
it looks like all of this is my fault.
before L broke down i asked her if i could have my own T because hers just wouldnt talk to me. when everyone was upset with me i withdrew and didnt come back til some time after the breakdown.
during that time Mike struggled with D for control and lost. i knew that she had the body for at least 4 days of uncontrolled and extreme behavior. she remodelled half of our appartment during that time.

**** trigger warning **** prostitution

Mike said she also spent a lot of money and because there was none she got some, the way she knows how to get money. but she didnt do it herself, in the end she pushed a little one to the front.

**** end trigger warning ****

Mike has been inside with that totally traumatized child, trying to take care of her worst wounds and fears and the terror of all this. that is why he didnt show up for so long. i had no idea.
pretty much shocked. i didnt know. cause i was like a spoiled child, sulking for not getting my will.
i am ashamed for the way i acted and for being so upset with Mike.
this life is full of horrors

by **IainEtc** » Mon Jan 11, 2016 11:39 pm

Hi Asti,

I read your post but I don't know what to say. Just maybe to let you know I'm thinking about you and know what it's like to fight the horror. We don't always win - that's fairytale stuff. But I've seen you try so hard and do so well. Everybody be safe and heal ok?

Iain

by **CollectivelyMe** » Mon Jan 11, 2016 11:57 pm

Asti,

I can relate. Happens within this system sometimes. Hard to admit. Harder to comprehend and deal with the fall out. Not your fault though.

by **Noppera-bo** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 3:55 am

We see the world only through our own eyes, if you want to know what some one else's eyes see, you have to ask them, because you will never see through some one else's eyes.
-A joint system sentiment.

by **birdsong87** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:00 pm

IainEtc wrote:Hi Asti,

I read your post but I don't know what to say. Just maybe to let you know I'm thinking about you and know what it's like to fight the horror. We don't always win - that's fairytale stuff. But I've seen you try so hard and do so well. Everybody be safe and heal ok?

Iain

thanks for your kind words. no, we dont always win. i won a couple of times lately and i am trying hard to keep in mind that this is not throwing me back. i do have all those times i won as well as some disaster... i really dont know what to say either. basically trying to keep up all our routines so nobody gets more confused.

CollectivelyMe wrote:Asti,

I can relate. Happens within this system sometimes. Hard to admit. Harder to comprehend and deal with the fall out. Not your fault though.

any advice on how to handle this? cause D already has "terrorist status" within the system and she just cant be worked with. thanks for reminding me that those who do bad things are guilty of bad things... i was stupid but i didnt do this to anyone...

Noppera-bo wrote:We see the world only through our own eyes, if you want to know what some one else's eyes see, you have to ask them, because you will never see through some one else's eyes.
-A joint system sentiment.

thats a good quote. we try to talk a lot but i keep forgetting that maybe i dont know everything... i expected him to do what i did before, sulk. that was not fair.

i guess i will leave the child to Mike cause he is way better at all that. and i am scared of knowing details. i want to keep all this as far away from everyone as i can.
just the thought of what happened drives me mad and i feel so helpless, cause i cant change the past and i really have no clue what to do right now other than keep going.

by **IainEtc** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 11:01 pm

Keep going Asti. We know you can do it!

We used to have trouble with some really angry alters but now Safety takes care of us. Safety's a part that takes over if it sees self-harm starting. It's like a robot with a totally limited instruction set, no negotiation, no excuses, don't break the rules. It can be a total pain in the a*s, but it's also saved our a*ses too. We're a lot less tense now that we have Safety as backup.

Good luck.

Iain, Colin, & Evan

by **LearnToLoveTheRide** » Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:47 pm

birdsong87 wrote:
it looks like all of this is my fault.

Hi birdsong87 (Asti?)

Please, do not blame yourself. This is not your fault. It just is what it is, right now. Be non-judgemental, of yourself.

We used to have the following posters taped to our refrigerator door:

Stop
Breathe
Feel
Accept
Release

It's based a bit on DBT distress tolerance skills.

Take care...

by **birdsong87** » Wed Feb 03, 2016 5:20 pm

we have had a busy time lately. i am glad to say that we found a good rhythm for working together in a small team. with time for A to do her intense workouts and time for the kids to play.
the incident is far away. the memory locked up with a girl who is hiding. Mike is looking after her but i dont see what i could possibly do, so i focus on the outside.

we didnt find a way to talk with D about her behavior. she has been locking herself up, avoiding us all. its hard to try to stop her from doing horrible things to the body and the littles when there is no contact.
with Mike back on the team and only a limited number of therapy sessions left we decided to process one more trauma scene. we had picked scenes before we even started the trauma work and the time seemed right. it happened to be a scene D was very much involved in...

we started an EMDR session with the kids playing in a safe place and teens/adults present. everyone who somehow got in contact with that memory. on about the third round D showed up and started a major fight.
she stood there, yelling out all the things she believes about the body, nasty stuff, so full of disgust and rage, she exploded in an urge to destroy the body.
and we stood our ground. telling her about the present. telling her about good experiences with the body. telling her to take the rage and turn it away from the good body and against the bad people.

all this while somehow still following with the eyes... i think it was the eye movement...
our words didnt seem to have much effect, but there was so much present at that moment at the same time, the scene, her rage, our kind words, eyes moving, and somehow things fell apart around her. like D was a sculpture and there was an invisible chisel, breaking her free. she started to get a new perspective of the present. she seemed surprised.

i am not sure what happened to her, just that i saw something change. like the rage turned direction, away from the body. i know we are far from done here, but just that.... is such a relief.

i had no clue EMDR could help to get thru with our communication inside. i have to admit that i dont have a clue what really happens with that eye movement. all i know is that it looks like it worked.
i am so glad D showed up for this session. it was an explosion, but maybe there is more freedom now.
maybe this is solving this self-harm problem...

keep on keeping on

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