keep on keeping on

Hi L and everyone else,


We hear you, we hear your struggles and we know your struggles. i know this sounds cheesy but after seeing Lady gaga on the weekend, it is true. we just need one reason to go in in the face of a million reasons to not go on. Also on her new album she has a song called Joanne her born name. it is worth a listen.

attachment is at the core of our issues too. And I wish every wish I have that you will find a new good T.

H, it is ok if you don't feel safe. What would you like to do. Would you like to just sit with others, or go off on your own to do something you like? Would you like to be left alone, not ignored, but just not focussed on. Can you be half in the old dark forgotten/unknown world and half on the inside known world? Our new part Charcoalle is there, half in half out. Just there being her. Is there an animal you can have with you. Maybe a dog, or a lizard? Charcoalle has ants. The walk all over her allowing her to feel alive.

H you are important. You will feel more safe when the system is more stable and maybe taking a deep breath and "just be" is the best thing you can do right now.

thinking of you all, often.

thanks for your support Sam and all

i am pretty sure H heard you and maybe she will do something with it. she is presenting herself as perpetrator-imitating. her answers are generally mean and cruel, so we probably wont let her write here.

small act of selfharm, just scratches, but it makes me wary.
i will totally fail with todays plans simply because someone turned off the alarm clock.

we discussed it and wanted to go back to better habits. but there is a reason why we have been avoiding sleep during the night. dreams. last night it was a message from H and she was trying to hurt Maya by destroying things she needs. it took us half of the night to calm her down and show her that her minni mouse t-shirt is not burned... stuff like that just makes me want to sob uncontrollably. not fair.

sometimes just making it to the next day is success enough.

in early work with out new T we had an issue where J was frantic about things A was doing and upset and damaging and it turns out there were things that A was doing that triggered J. He didnt mean to hurt her out of anger and punishment, he was reacting and protecting himself from his feelings.

It took a few weeks but we figured out the trigger and made some changes. It was a dress she wore that she loved but he found triggering of some creepy memories. She wanted to wear the dress and he couldnt handle seeing the dress. he remembers things about the dress that she doesn't. But since she doesn't she doesn't see it that way. So now they play dress up and the dress is one of many dresses in her costume closet. And she does wear it often but he sees it more now as one of the dresses in the costume closet instead of the trigger of what it is, and he dresses up too so they now have fun together.

How does it make H feel when she punishes others? What is the goal of feeling that way?

H- if you want to write here, it is ok if you are cruel. We know you need to let it out somewhere. Your system is beautiful so I have a hard time believing cruelty is the core of you. I think cruelty is masking something that is much bigger, and probably painful to you, but something that needs some attention.

thanks for sharing Sam and all, its encouraging to hear that there are compromises and solutions, even for very stressful stuff.

i wont let Hannah write here. she is not ready for polite company.

she believes that she can only be safe when she hurts everyone else enough to break them. i dont believe that this forum is a good place for any of her talk.

we believe that there is a sadist in everyone. for normal people that might be mean thoughts every now and then. for us... we might have split them off to store them in an alter. that makes the whole system look very nice as long as the dark parts dont show up.
i hope that nobody believes that we are safe. we are not.

Mike just said that i am trying to scare people away so they wont try to talk thru. it would be more honest to just say that i dont want anyone to get close to H. i think that this is seriously dangerous stuff and we are not exactly doing a good job with staying safe and self-care already.

I know it is tough Annett but I can't help but think because H has presented herself, that she needs attention. She needs to be heard. She needs some support. That the "ugliness" you describe in her words and thoughts is a defense under which lies profound sadness.

and perhaps keeping this all in is part of the difficulty in self-care and perseverance. But you will keep going, I don't see any other way.

I really hope one of the T interviews works out for you guys keep us posted. We are rooting for you!

You just need one reason to keep going.

I may be totally wrong. So please just disregard if necessary.

you are probably right about H. we have seen how this worked for D.
but we dont have a T to help us with all of this and i dont want to start something that we cant handle.
we could use help from outside the system, someone who is actually around to catch us when things go wrong.

we got some more stability concerning house work.
but there are daily acts of selfharm. its reenactment of traumatic stuff. i am not present enough to stop it during the day.
now i am keeping the vigil for another night, hypervigilance is going thru the roof and the body is very uncomfortable

Hi Annett. Sorry to hear about the self-harm. It can be frustrating not being able to stop something because you aren't around for it, and sometimes all you can do is keep a close watch while you are around. But also, don't wear yourself out. Conserve some energy for the T interviews if you can?

Keeping you all in my thoughts

maybe my joke is not appropriate but the chocolate bars might have something to do with it....

ok take your time with H. You are right I wouldn't have been able to contain Charcoalle without T. She is the part that emerged during the crisis we had a few weeks ago. She is still there half in the inside world and half in the outside world. And she has ants. That is what she chose to keep her company.

Does someone like to be with H? Or maybe there is an animal she likes that she can hang out with. Or is there something that she can go and do, work out, go to concerts, build something (all in the inner world) to keep busy until you can have the support of the T.

Is H self harming or someone else? For us it is usually many, but all for different reasons. There are probably many of you that need support atm.

thanks for the support guys
i am not sure who is responsible for the selfharm. its def H who is speaking stuff, demanding it. but i am not sure who is obeying.

there was one incident last week when H got involved with L a little bit. they worked in one of the appartments inside. the one that belonged to the old lady. L somehow inherited it from "the old lady" nobody even remembers and its cramped with old stuff and pictures and all that. no matter how much energy L had put into it, the room somehow stays full of old stuff. somehow H wanted L to clear the space.
we are not even sure what that room means.

Our Terrin once wrote some pretty raw stuff on the forum. We deleted it but gave a synopsis in safer language. Could you try that with H (if safe for you) in order to give her an outlet? I am concerned about the SH. Something we did when Terrin was intent on sh was we bought body art markers and wrote on ourself. It helped.
C.