keep on keeping on

Sending a lot of moral support about the migraines!

Regarding the book, I think that we DO need different books written by different people who all say "the same thing" (aka the Useful Things That Work For Real). There are many different persons out there who will need many different ways of explaining the same things. Some will need it written by experts, wome will need it written by the survivors, and so on.

If reading a book by a DID person could encourage other dissociated/traumatized persons to look for the proper help, because they can see the proper therapy is useful and does no harm, then you book is worth publishing and reading.

It also means that you are saying the right things in your book, btw. Compared to other DID persons who went on TV in my country and spent 2 hours explaining that DID cannot be cured, describing cooperation between the alters and calling it "functional multiplicity" and "the best a DID person can do" and other stuff like that.

The world needs more DID people showing that healing is possible, that there is hope, and how to do it.

Your work is worthy.

I never expected this, but I am working on appeasement patterns in myself a lot. I am too focussed on other people and not centered with myself. Basically, I am trying to prevent burnout. misplaced expectations. high demands.
I have been working on this pattern of chosing behavior based on what they would do in others for a while now. It makes working with our T so hard. We rarely do things just because this is who we are. We always check what it will do in others, what the expectations are, how it will make others feel etc. we lose ourselves over that. And then other people have a hard time seeing us for who we are. we get a ton of projections instead.
there is been a lot of idealization of us lately. People who think we are famous or special. People who tell us that we saved them or who demand being saved. it all got a bit too much. Especially with that base pattern of meeting people's expectations... it feels like I am starting at 0 when it comes to learning about boundaries. and how to be myself without checking what everyone else needs me to be.
I slowed down the book project a lot. taking this opportunity to learn as much as I can.

That sounds hard, but very worthwhile. Although I think even if you're very clear about who you are, people will still project a lot--that's not something you can control at all, and I don't think it happens more because of this pattern of yours. But knowing who you are and what you want will help you keep from getting lost in what other people want or expect.

We're very sensitive to people's projections and expectations--it's a very triggering thing for us. We'll withdraw because while we can't stand someone being wrong about us, it also feels hopeless that we'll ever be able to change their minds.

Anyway, maybe the T can help you with this if you bring it to her attention. You may not have to work on it all by yourself.

I had a very weird encounter with the neurologist. our GP refered us to her for migraine treatment. She has been treating us (4 1/2 months of documentation, 3 changes in meds) for the chronic migraines. Yesterday she barely let me sit down before she started to aggressively tell me that I have too many issues and that she can't treat me. she said weird things like pain management 'wouldn't solve my problems'. I know, but it would be one puzzle piece in treating my problems and no pain management is not an option either. the weird thing was that she was in a deep fight response. I have made a study of physiology. she was somewhere out there in the battle field. I even told her that her tone was not appropriate and that nothing bad is happening, we are just talking about the future of treatment. and it helped her calm down for like a minute before she started to fiecely attack me again. I wish there was a way to report terrible social behavior here. Honestly, I am not sure if she is struggling with an addiction or she is in the last phase of burnout but hell, she is treating chronic pain patients and one day one of them will leave there and kill themselves if she keeps doing that.
long story short, she ended treatment. because she suddenly realized that I have commobidities. she has a full list of them from day 1 but it took her almost 5 months to realize that she is not the right kind of specialist. Which means I just wasted 5 months, there is still no pain management and no way to get pain management and the next stop for me is a pain clinic, that has a 5 month waiting list. I am not up for 5 more months of untreated pain. not sure what to do. probably find a dealer to give me cannabis. which is like the last thing anyone would expect from me. but hell... its not like people are overwhelming me with options.

I understand the need to resort to self-medication options. I hope you will find some nice and cheap CBD produce to help you manage the waiting list.

Sending moral support. It is unfair that a specialist takes 5 months to connect their two brain cells!

feeling extremely tired and sad. worried that this is another depressive episode. It would be just on time. Hits us every other winter...
small tasks take so much energy. even thinking of small tasks takes energy.
the fallout with the neurologist hit me harder than I thought. because it is very likely that it was plain discrimination because of my dx. Being mistreated for being traumatized comes as a shock to me. I thought these days were over. I am doing what I can do get pain management but I am not sure that there will be any help soon.
there has been self-harm... to get my $#%^ together because I lost it for a moment.
we are so not doing well.

How you were treated was awful and we hope you can feel better soon. How they treated you was absolutely horrific, but it was their fault not yours.

With all the support words can send,
Pippa

The way you were treated was horrible and completely unprofessional. She can’t be the only neurologist available to see. Have you told your GP and your therapist what happened? You don’t have to put up with that kind of treatment, and nothing about the situation was your fault.

It’s possible that your current depressed mood is 100% related to that.

I hope you were able to get cannabis and it was helpful. If not, it’s a great idea to try.

And I think you can report the neurologist to someone, when your energy and outlook improve.

Rooting for you and hoping things improve soon.

oh wow i'm so sorry about what happened with the neurologist. that is terrible.. I have dealt with not nice people in various medical fields and so my trust is like so low sadly. it's too bad that people like this can do this. I hope you can find something for pain management.

thanks for the support everyone.

we saw our T yesterday. Some uncontrolled switching that included someone hitting our head because of overwhelm... the T did so well. I very much liked her serious face. her showing that she knows how serious the topic is. and she didn't get off balance because of anything that happened. Was clearly able to keep track of things. I surprises me, how much I appreciate her earnestness, without any attempts to smile or make us feel better. She is kind of good at attunement when we connect. doesn't always happen and she didn't get it when I summed up a key point of what I just realized later in the session. but there are bright moments when it works. and the serious face in the serious situation was one.

family has been trying to make contact again. same stupid story every holiday season. I am pissed. If we were less stable those kind of blaming messages could trigger a suicide attempt. I am full of fight energy and very angry and at the same time its so sad for others inside who just want to have a family and be loved. not an easy mix. close to angry tears....