keep on keeping on

the body work T. the summer break is over and we had our first appointment back there.
it started out like usual SE with one of the main tools. it has you imagine the movement impulse from the trauma scene, but as successful defense. in that case it was a ducking movement with the head and a defense with the hands. we just got too scared to actually do it or think of it. there was also a tiny abreaction. that is when she had us pin the feeling to a different place in the room.
the thing we focus on always changes a little. Sometimes it is how the emotion feels in the body. then a pendulation with attention between the body sensation and a resource.
sometimes its the 'imagine to follow the impulse' tool. those show up most of the time. always grounding.
the externalization was new. we like to learn new things.

I am glad we made a later appointment with our regular T. we always only make the next appointment with her so we can choose how much time we will need to do homework, experiment, get chores done etc. we have another full week to recover and come up with a new topic. probably preparing for more processing for next month.

we are in the process of changing meds. we've taken a betablocker that was supposed to prevent migraines. but ti didn't. so the neurologist put us on a new med (for epilepsy) that is supposed to do the same. the betablocker effectively lowered our heart rate, which made it easier to be regulated and stay regulated. like an addition to the vagal brake. we are reducing it slowly but I do feel the moments when the heart rate suddenly goes up a lot more than we are used to now. scary.
its been only a day with the lowest dose of the new med. so it is impossible to tell if our struggles to stay calm in bed are related. we had to sleep with the light on and still jumped out of bed many times because of restlessness.
the kids are exhausted and overwhelmed. even when they get time for themselves, they are unable to use it in any fun way. no playing. only watching a kids serries, maybe. but even those get overwhelming easily. I came here to ask for advice but maybe I answered that myself when I wrote 'exhausted'. like, it probably needs rest and not play.... resting is hard when my brain tells me that there is so much that needs to be done.

Sending a lot of moral support. I hope this gets re-balanced soon. I have had weird effects from getting off of a medication in the past so, I get what you are going through. I hope this shall soon pass.

situation kind of escalated today. we decided to keep the betablocker for now. it is helping with the PTSD, even if its not doing anything for the migraines. it is simply too difficult to come off it. and the new meds happen to increase heart rate and a common side effect is anxiety. well, yeah. we felt that. thanks. I hope that if we just add one med without reducing the other it will be easier. had to cancel therapy today because we were so beside ourselves that we couldn't talk.

Lots of moral support! It can be so difficult to find the right combination of meds! I really hope things will stabilize soon.

I hope things will get better and soon. I know coming off of beta blockers is difficult, and getting the right medications is a real pain.

Vi.

I hope things are better today. It must have been pretty bad for you to cancel therapy.

Adding one med without reducing the other one sounds like a good plan. Do you have to get off the betablocker at all if it's helping? We took propranolol for awhile to help with social anxiety, and it helped a ton with calming down anxious parts (and that was even before we knew about the parts).

I hope the other med helps with the migraines, and that things stabilize for you soon.

We need to discuss things with our GP. When we talked about the high heart rate before he said he won't give us heart meds only because of the high heart rate. Maybe we can change his mind. if we have to come off it, we need a different plan that is not ' take half for 3 days, then quit' because that is obviously not working.
The new meds snuff our sense of hunger. We aren't eating properly. they also make us sweat like crazy and the mood has changed noticeably. they weren't lying when they said that most people get depressed and suicidal thoughts are among the most common side effects... still getting used to the lowest dose. Migraines every single day.

today we've been trying to write something for the blog. it feels like walking through a swamp. anxiety. thoughts of not being good enough. of not having enough scientific sources, not being allowed this opinion. the expectation that people will hate it. its just so totally out of proportion. its just a small blog post by a survivor who blogs about stuff she thinks are useful.
we are still intimidated because a famous author is following us. its crippling our ability to publish anything. so is the general pressure that seems to be growing the more attention we get.
being in pain all the time and being so intimidated is not helping us to move our projects along

meds situation partially resolved. we get to keep the betablocker for PTSD. We quit the epilepsy meds because they were destabilizing. We also count 22 migraine days this month. yay.
I think I might have been provoking numbing to drown out the pain but it didn't really work. I have done all the most triggering things and it really doesn't sound smart but it must have had a purpose like regulation, otherwise it wouldn't make sense at all.

We finally got our copy of the Finding Solid Ground Program. Read through 3 modules (we can do it so fast because we know all the tools already and can use them in our sleep) and it looks very solid and like the very thing we've been waiting for. Only that now its a bit too late for us. We will see if maybe it will change our own book project. its not like the world needs more books that all say the same... So far it is a 90% overlap with the things we have written about. I honestly don't know if that is encouraging or discouraging. But it gives me more peace of mind about blogging.
We read a truly awful self-help book not that long ago and it created a ton of doubt in us about how dangerous it is to let 'experts by experience' publish anything. That author read all the right books and then shared the content with errors. you could see she did literature research but she didn't understand half of it. It feels scary to realize we could make similar mistakes and simply not notice. Without feedback, it is probably impossible. Seeing the professionals write about the same things, just in a different order, helps me a lot.

we need new topics in therapy. there is always a plateau happening when we have worked through the stuff on our list. and it needs a new list. working with the short-term lists for goals turns out to be the most effective strategy right now.
temperatures are in the mid 70s right now, when they should be around 50 or lower. it is the most ridiculous autumn we have ever experienced. sweating like crazy in a tank top while buying an advent calendar. Colored leaves but you want to jump in a pool. We are not made for heat. 50s are the comfort zone. how are we not getting the comfort zone we've been looking foward to for half a year!!

I know right?! I wish we had actual autumn.

I think you do have feedback right there... and also on your website, right? It's no wonder that quite a few Ts read your posts and would like to share them with clients.
I am really interested in the last parts of the Finding Solid Ground Program. Let me know when you've made it that far!

I really really hope you will have less pain. <3