keep on keeping on

the homework is actually what we have wanted help with all the time while the T was gone. the urges are there for trauma-specific reasons (not a regulation problem) and could easily be lethal if we can't figure out how to redirect them. Always having to hold that back has been a main reason for the recent burnout. so it is actually part of a crisis intervention to solve that issue before anyone else burns out.
I am trying to take things slowly. only one bigger task a day. a lot of rest. I have been doing this body-focused relaxation exercise recently that helps me a lot. as far as I understand it the pain is escalating because of stress. we have always had flares when we get stressed. and I get triggered a lot. everyone is stressed a lot. it kind of makes sense. hope to be able to see my doc or hear from him about an email to figure out what else to do to manage pain.
we were able to talk to several friends today. it is pretty rare and it helped a lot. We might also have ice cream with a friend tomorrow. not being all alone in this makes a big difference. thanks for reaching out @TheGang

I think we are making progress with our T. When I listened back to the recording of the last 2 sessions (reluctantly, I don't like to hear myself) I noticed that the way she tries to approach emotion, the way she is trying to communicate empathy, is actually triggering. one of the main female abusers did that. We noticed weird gaps before when the host would feel totally not understood and when we listened back the T was right there, saying all the right things. Somehow she was unable to hear it. it makes perfect sense when there is actually a trigger there.
Being able to write her really helps. She keeps confirming it and that helps me to be more open when I write. We've had a bit of meta communication about talking about emotions and there was some understanding about how tricky it is and how narrow the window where we can tolerate it. It was good to see that she really does understand.
We've made big progress with Age. I am so glad that she basically made her own progress because I don't feel like I am much help. But she understood what our T was trying to say and totally came up with a solution that seems effective and smart. I do wish we had the same for D. but well. One problem at a time.
it looks like the pain is slowly going down. it was a pretty bad flare. I just want everything to calm down.

That all sounds really positive. I'm intrigued by what you've discovered by recording your T sessions. I wonder if I should try that. I know that in the performance I was just involved in, I would recall things from rehearsal a certain (upsetting) way, but then when I watched the videos we were sent to use for practice, I would see that things had gone a completely different (more positive) way than I had thought. It would make sense that the same thing happens with our T.

Anyway, I'm so glad that you're making progress!

the days feel long and unhappy. I was not aware how much physical pain we have and what it is like to feel that 24/7. it is so exhausting! and it has a noticable impact on my mood. depression is creeping in. I have some strategies on how to manage it but we would need proper pain management. So I am looking for ways... seeing specialists here is frustrating af. the waiting lists are endless and then they don't do anything, they just give you another appointment you have to wait for forever. looking at all options now, including the tricky access to a pain therapist. our T suggested a pain clinic 10h away from here... I just feel so drained and nobody is helping.
I am ready to dump more system stuff on the T. its just too difficult to handle.

I'm sorry things are so rough right now, Asti. I hope you can get good pain management somehow. Maybe the bodywork T can be helpful?

birdsong87 wrote:I am ready to dump more system stuff on the T. its just too difficult to handle.

Do it! She seems like she can handle it.

Anything that might decrease your stress and feeling overwhelmed right now is probably a good thing to do.

Sending positive thoughts...

It looks like we are slowly gaining stability again. the kids that were triggered are more calm. our daily life looks more stable. and I started the first round of editing for the book for real. I am still giving the T some background info about the system to make work easier in the future. not feeling very connected though. it will never stop feeling weird, to not get responses.

That's great that things are more stable. I hope the pain has improved!

Things that have to do with the interaction with the T are always negotiable and up for discussion. Would it help you to get back "received," or a thumbs up, or some kind of return email that didn't take any effort on her part? Perhaps on the morning of the next business day, or whatever she feels will maintain professional boundaries? You can think carefully about what might help with the connection if it's hard to be sending these emails and getting nothing back until you see her.

I think we might have an answer.
we tried some light processing with our T, IRRT-style. she is very organized, very thorough, very clear in her guidance. and there is the same emotional disconnection and distance that we always have. She is not different when she is doing trauma work. And she did not listen to what I wrote, she needed pushing even after I had expressed a clear wish. We've been wondering about her so much and I think the answer is that she is not a good fit. Even with all her knowledge, we just don't get each other. She isn't doing anything wrong. And it also doesn't work out for us when it comes to the emotional and relational side of therapy. There is no other DID T in the area. the other one retired. But I think we will bring all the tricky trauma work to our clinic T.

even light processing leaves us feeling vulnerable and tender. and very sad. for our friends this must feel like the millionst time, no big deal. and for us, every single time is so painful and raw.

I am happy for you that you are figuring things out and planning solutions!

Good luck and tons of moral support!

I'm so glad you will likely get to see the clinic T again and have a chance to make further progress with the trauma work that way. Even if it's not ideal and I wish he could just be your regular T.

And you know, I can sense the tenderness and sadness. You're taking such brave and big steps by processing and trying to help.
Warm safe hugs.