keep on keeping on

its been 4 weeks without a T. 2 more to go, if she recovers well. it is getting hard.
the adults distract with work but we are exhausted. it starts to hurt. we probably should try to meet with friends but the coming heat wave makes meeting outside impossible. it feels like we will just shut down and survive for a while.

That's hard. I can't even imagine being without our T for that long.

I was glad to hear that you reached out to the clinic T recently.

I hope you can do lots of self-care and soothing/distracting things for the littles, since it's probably the hardest on them.

Wishing you the best.

we have a bit of a drama unfolding.
the T is back in office but she didn't offer us an earlier appointment than the one in 12 days. because she didn't offer, everyone is sure that she doesn't want to see us. triggers a whole world of transference issues because of course she is like the mother now. an ocean of shame flooding the system. Our first response is to flee and hide. when people don't want to see us, we need to hide and not bother them. we are deeply aware of the transference unfolding. it just paralyzes us completely. we cannot reach out. we can barely keep ourselves from giving in to the enormous shame.
I was not aware how much devastating shame there is in our mother relationship.
we've had a couple of bad triggers happen lately. it feels like there is no way. she is just like the mother. there is no way to have a relationship with her. it scares me to be so aware of the way our mind is dominated by this. if we had an impulsive bone in our body this would look like a borderline-ish meltdown. pushing and pulling. mostly pushing. because we are us, it looks like control and avoidance. if she approaches now we might not cope well. she needs to stay away from us where she can't hurt us. endlessly more mother transference.... $#%^

Sending tons of support. Discovering triggers and the like is important in order to work on them and get better but heck it does hurt like all hail is loose.

we finished the first draft for the book. 240.000 words. need to slim that down a bit and we already know areas we need to re-write. but this was our first time getting through all the topics. exciting. not as terrible as I thought it might feel.

not sure about the whole therapy situation. I know that I might be splitting. I don't feel like my usual self. a lot more serious and ambitious. harder too. 6 days until we see the T and I really don't want to talk to her.

Remember how this thread started?
We are in the same situation again.

Do you mean you're overwhelmed and exhausted? I went back and read the first page of the thread. There was a lot of support and good advice there.

Did you see the T yesterday? Is that part of the problem? It sounded like her long absence had caused a lot of difficulties and that there was a lot of stuff coming up about the process of trying to reconnect with her.

I know that we project a lot of how we feel onto our T. So if we're feeling distant or disconnected, it can feel to us like it's the T who is feeling that way. As if he doesn't want to see us and hasn't been thinking about us--when it's actually we who have pulled away to protect ourselves.

Is there a way to temporarily increase the frequency of T appointments in order to work through some of this stuff?

And of course, staying on top of self-care is important. Eating, drinking, sleeping, exercise.

Sending you positive thoughts and lots of support!!

more like host getting exhausted and vanishing...
I think that a couple of things got too overwhelming to cope. the issues with conditioned responses and constantly supressing impulses, then the work rehab with little hope for a good result. that alone was crushing. add the Ts absense and her struggle with her friend...
we've had this happen before. Host vanishes in a state of crisis. and eventually returns, as someone similar but not identical to the one we had. so currently we have a dormancy situation.
I am not mad with our T and our conversation seemes productive. she is helping us to find a way around the consultant to get access to better help for a job perspective. obviously there is little we can do to influene the dormancy. I'll just be here and try not to mess up our life.

my pacing is terrible. it is so obvious that I exist for sprints and not as a part who is constantly active. I just burn thru all our energy before noon and then we break down and we're froced to rest. it makes me feel powerless and it sucks.
the pain issues are exploding. fibro pain is much worse, migraines are out of control and I can't take meds for them every day, weird pains that seem to be neuropathic too... maybe I can just tolerate it a lot less than our usual host. but is driving me insane. Tara has been acting out in response to unmanageable pain. of course. and the part who usually coaches her to avoid harm isn't there anymore.
I am so easily triggered and starting fights with people almost every day. nerves are paper thin. seeing our T on monday. little hope that she can offer relief. I failed to do any of the homework we agreed on. it just wasn't possible. we use very controlled self-harm and the homework was about redirecting that but I just can't approach that topic without feeling utterly overwhelmed.
then I try to share with people online but the responses I get are basically 'thats your own fault, you weren't able to receive help', like duh, that is the problem. or totally misplaced awe for the great author who is able to express things with so much clarity. like, wtf. what do you have to take to read about someones suffering and your only response is praise for their writing style? like, how far removed from empathy can someone be. I keep looking for compassion and I find none. I am obviously a person with thorns but this is just absurd

So sorry you're going through this. I don't know why you were given homework to redirect self-harm. If you're already very stressed and in pain, that's not the time to try to learn new coping skills. It's a time to scale back demands and expectations and focus on the essentials.

Maybe a rest in the middle of the day needs to be your temporary new normal instead of another reason to beat yourself up as a failure? Also, do you have exercises that help you focus on the body and what it needs? Perhaps there are signals you're missing that will help you respond to self-care needs more quickly so there will be less physical pain.

It just sounds awful and I'm sorry you weren't even able to get support by reaching out online.

Can you give this post to the T on Monday (or email it sooner)? Can you see the bodywork T, if that might be a helpful direction to pursue?

I hope things improve for you soon!