keep on keeping on

Wow. This is so useful, and very reassuring, in a way. It means that calming down from talking about difficult things is just as important as talking about difficult things. And that whatever time we need to take to calm down is ok. (Putting this simply to make sure littles really understand it...) Thank you for explaining it.

one of our homework asignments is actually to replace the words 'distraction' and 'avoidance' with the word 'regulation'. because that is really what we are doing when we pay a lot of attention to things unrelated to inner struggles. we regulate and that is necessary and opens up new capacity to deal with the things inside. its really of little use to try to do things while constantly dysregulated...
there is a conditioning effect. our body connects these actions with the sense of dysregulation and threat. next time we try, it will be harder because we have hard-wired ourselves to connect these things and the stress response will show up automatically. we just drive the conditioning deeper into our system when we push too much. approaching things when regulated is kind of important.

everyone has calmed down a bit and we have something like a proper christmas time.
Annett asked us hosts to address our fear of playing in therapy. it sounded small enough.
turns out it is a can of worms.
we are glad that our T actually knows so much about how organized abuse families work. she gave an example and we hosts don't remember that happening but we do remember very clearly how we reenacted that with a friend when we were about 8 or 9. how would a child come up with that...
it is daunting, there is nothing innocent about it. it explains why we are especially afraid of childrens games. turns out we aren't just too stiff and intellectual. we go into a freeze response. it is weird for the others to witness a therapy session like that, to see that we too have our symptoms and limitations and that there is a good reason why we are so afraid. even with the actual memory of most of it missing we understand that this makes sense. we even remember once 'game' with dice that took part in the context of trafficking.
we thought it would be easier... that this was just a small thing. but now we ran straight into a bigger trauma issue.

Sending a lot of moral support. It is never easy to open the old cans of worms. At least you manage to have some festive time to enjoy, which is a nice thing to have.
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Daniel.

I'm glad things are calmer.

Sounds like you got some useful information out of exploring those fears, even though it turned into a much bigger deal than expected. It's good that your T is familiar with this kind of issue so you can tackle it a little bit at a time, as you feel ready, and don't have to worry about overwhelming or horrifying the T. I'm sorry you have to deal with all that though.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

happy new year!
we didn't have therapy since our last post here. Tara is making good progress. she is showing signs of being more grounded and connected to actual sensations today. She is also asking for help in situations when she is stuck in reenactment, showing that she realizes something is off about it.

family has been trying to contact us and things were a bit messy. but our coping skills totally worked and we could manage it. what a difference to past years!

2022 is very scary for me. lots of new things we need to start, no way to know how it will go. and it is time for more trauma work. I wish the pandemic was over, it makes everything so much more difficult.
basically, we are just planning to get covid sooner or later but probably sooner. We froze meals and got a third vaccination and now we will just go and take part in normal life again and see what happens. we have reached the limit of our ability to stay at home and be alone. it is showing serious effects now. no more being alone.
there is even the wish inside to see our T live instead of doing video calls (which have worked for us) we are just so done with it all.

Congrats to Tara for all of her progress!

And it's great that you were able to keep your boundaries firm and not get too triggered.

I find it scary to think about a whole year--maybe you can think about one new thing at a time and/or one month at a time, and it won't seem so daunting.

Going out and taking part in normal life sounds like a good idea. Hopefully the pandemic will be over soon--there's talk that it will burn itself out within the next couple of months.

Happy New Year!

Happy new year and a lot of moral support!

It is difficult to realize it has been two hears of pandemy already. It is exhausting for even the toughest loners.

Congratulations on the good therapy work Tara, and congratulations all of you for your boundary setting.
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The Mirror.

isolation and loneliness are becoming a real problem. I think this might actually be passive influence from Tara. She is getting closer and learning quite a lot about the world. now I become more aware of how lonely our life is. Being alone is hard. in a way that is always close to a crisis because I start to lose it. I cannot remember a time, ever, when being alone was dysregulating. and now it is.

After reading another mediocre book we decided that we will try to publish something after all. it will take ages but the books on the market are just not very satisfying at all. even the latest one by the golden child.

We contacted our paperwork lady to get us an appointment with the agency that offers the work rehab programs. a new beginning. we will try to get out of disability. I felt a lot better when the first step was taken. It was important to check with our T if she thinks we are ready or if it is just my dysregulation that make me want to do all kinds of crazy things right now. It is hard to trust impulses when you were always taught not to.

it looks like our T relationship is slowly getting a bit closer. it brings up all kinds of old beliefs. I am not allowed to cause worry. I am not allowed to cause work. it is scary to move against the things that have always been the foundation of relationships.

I am not feeling well today. nothing is fun. nothing is even a little bit nice. don't know what is wrong.