keep on keeping on

I emailed her, a bit more diplomatically than what I wrote here...
its just that I am not comfortable with writing her so often between sessions.
it was one of the first things she established, boundaries concerning emails.
I know we are far from what other patients do in demanding her time but still...
it doesn't feel right. even after being encouraged to write before the clinic stay
and yes I addressed that too...
right now this is necessary cause L is so discouraged she wants to quit. it is hard for her to let go of the clinic T and work with someone who doesn't understand us so easily. he made even the hardest stuff easier... Even I cannot imagine sharing so freely with her

today the Ts absence is hard on us.
or maybe noticing our own reaction is what is the hardest.
no attachment cry, no shame, no attacking ourselves as being bad or not good enough. there is no panic or hyperarousal. No fear of losing her or of being left alone.
there is just a sense of loneliness, sadness and resignation.
we kind of react like the child who learned not to expect anything.
just a disconnection with a distance so wide it seems impossible to bridge.
we don't get loud. we get quiet.
I do feel compassion for ourselves. this is hard. it is like it used to be.

<3 <3 <3 <3

our T is back. and I was kind of numb, just trying to keep going and working on a topic.
after the session all the previous feelings of resignation and loneliness flooded me.
I am also slipping into denial more often again.
why is this so hard. She picks up everything when we hint at better ways to handle us.
she has just been gone for so long something in us gave up trying to connect, just like with the mother.
she confused me because it looked like she misplaced last sessions notes and again I was not able to speak up and point it out. will there be a session after which we won't have to send an email to clarify something?
our life is kind of going well otherwise. we keep up with the workouts most of the time. weight is under control. still not eating super regularly but we are closer to finding solutions that work for us.
construction is still really loud but we get some stuff done.

the headaches are the end of me. the day of therapy and the day after are complete hell and then it gets better slowly.
somehow we had a relatively neutral session. the chat before we started was more meaningful than the session itself. her brain somehow works different from ours. With reflection we can see where her suggestions aren't working for us and we remembered a better way to approach the topic, so it feels like we are getting somewhere.
I just wish I wasn't in so much pain. I can't take the migraine meds every day and the regular meds aren't strong enough so I end up with opioids again...

Sending moral support your way. I hope it will get better soon. At least the therapy session seems to give interesting results.
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David.

we hope you get relief from the headaches!
and glad you have some progress with the therapy stuff

<3 <3 <3

It sounds like the headaches are related to the therapy process. I hope you can sort it out. Losing more than two days a week to so much pain seems so awful. Have you talked about the timing of the headaches with the T? Maybe some of you feel like you're making progress and some are worried by that? Or likely a more complicated dynamic, but you know what I mean.

I hope things improve for you.

I think you are right, some of the headache is related to the therapy process. I still think it is mostly stress related.
we had a video session this week and managed to catch it that day but the next 2 days, with a lot of reflection and questioning and trying to figure things out, were lost to migraine.
we made an appointment to discuss meds for winter with our GP. I hope he will support us the way we need it. we should find a psychiatrist but where. they are even less available than therapy here. that is why we hope our GP can cover what we need for now.

we got new living room furniture. pretty exciting since we never had the money to buy stuff before. being able to seat 2 friends comfortably in our tiny studio will be a huge improvement. We want L to host tea parties over the winter months.

a sibling contacted us. not a good situation but we managed it.

Congratulations on the progress and on being able to manage the sibling situation.

I understand the excitement of buying new furniture, especially when we are used to second-hands and hand-me-downs. Fingers crossed for the winter tea parties!
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Daniel.