keep on keeping on

I wish I knew what to do with Tara. Sometimes this lack of wisdom becomes so obvious and it is hard not to know who to talk to about it. we are not ready to share these things with the T.
she is discovering that violence is not a given and that things work without it.
she is also still very limited to her action system and doesn't notice things outside of that.
usually I have seriously good intuition that tells me how to move forward. not this time.
it feels like its been a year since we saw our T at home.

It must be hard to work so closely with the clinic T and have such a good relationship, and then have to go back to your regular T that you haven't really known as long or in as much depth.

Maybe you can talk with the T about whatever makes you feel not ready to share these other things, so you can move closer to that point?

we need to talk to her, tell her about the work we did in the clinic. the plan is to slowly introduce her to our sand tray items.
the main issues that I see are transference based. and then 2 small things she actually really does that support that feeling, that she is like the mother. we should be able to fix this somehow.
but then it is still a very different matter if we can talk about shame topics with her. Tara means shame. and memory content we barely manage to tolerate. the T cannot play it all neutral and like there is nothing to it. she tends to normalize things to a point where it isn't helpful anymore, it just shows that she lost connection with our feelings.
right now we try to include Tara in more things of daily life while also allowing her her focus on sexuality. but we don't support that more than we've already done. we kind of hope that she will learn that there is a world outside of sexuality she can take part in... we also want her to learn more that sexuality can happen without violence. it is just hard to decide which one first. we think the danger of her hurting us is reduced. maybe it doesn' even matter how we continue.

Good luck on working with Tara. Sending moral support your way.
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The Mirror.

so we had our first live session in 1 1/2 years. it was weird to see that we slipped into our dealing with amnesia mode. like, we smoothly pretended like nothing has ever happened and this was normal.
there was no conversation between home T and clinic T. so L had to share a bit but she wasn't prepared or organized for it at all.
transference based expectations were that she would be jealous or somehow upset and devalueing when it comes to the work we have done without her. she was not. she made an effort to show happiness for us. we just struggle to receive it as real.
I did email her a summary of the clinic work, pointing out that we won't speak about some of it for now. it just feels overwhelming.
our body got sick when we returned home. not sure if it was the stress of the day or the stress of having to hold things together for so long without support.
next session we will discuss new goals. hoping for some easy wins and more focus.
the transference is a major issue and it shows.

body work was brilliant as ever. she helped us sense a very fine line before things get out of control and it was a real revelation. we hold still because the body feels safe when it holds still. that makes perfect sense since we were punished for moving. of course stillness feels safe then. our homework is difficult but also exciting because it could help us catch ourselves before we enter the taught state of immobility. the body work T is super experienced, had been doing the work for ages, and she said that what we did in the clinic was done well. that means a lot to us. especially since we know that the clinic T was using techniques he just started to learn and we had to help him a bit with pacing and that.

with our regular T it is frustrating. we haven't seen each other for a long time. I try to tell myself that this is the reason why connecting is so hard. she doesn't see us for who we are. she explained stupid basics about how trauma is processed like we haven't gone through that before, using a handful of different techniques. we know exactly what it needs. when you google body flashbacks it is our article that comes up. We know how to approach that. But instead of being able to tell her that I entered the still face mode. not showing any emotions, not telling my thoughts. I become like a wall. then she repeats things again and again because she thinks I am not getting it. and I let her and make the wall bigger. I know this is conditioned behavior just like the holding still we are working on. it makes me frustrated with myself and with her for not noticing. it would help if she asked what is going on instead of repeating herself. we answer questions when they are asked.
I guess it will take a lot more emails to make it possible to address these things

Good luck and tons of support! I hope the T from the second paragraph will understand it was a triggered traumatic reaction.

Which is kinda ironic, that the one trying to teach you stuff you already know about, cannot see it when it is happening righ under her nose.

BTW do you feel safe enough to share the name of the sort of body therapy you follow? (Here or PM both are fine) We could see with our own T if it is something that could be integrated into our therapy plan, or if the ones she gives us is already efficient enough so far.

Thanks and again good luck with the T from the second paragraph!
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Zamiel.

not a secret, we see a Somatic Experiencing therapist. We see her about every 6 weeks for 90 minutes.
she is mainly teaching us regulation and managing stress responses. she does not work with parts.

Thank you! We will write this down for our next T appointment.
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David.

Can you just email that post to her? It explains things very clearly. She’s been smart about things in the past. Once you tell her about this pattern she’ll probably be able to adjust her response.