keep on keeping on

Hi Asti,

I think you're right about what your T called you triggering L. It's SO easy for us to be like 'Tell us who you want us to be and we'll be that' when an authority is around. We're like super sensitive to expectations and can totally remake ourselves to meet them. That's really hard on Host because he just gets dragged along. He starts to feel crazy.

Iain

so, the T wasn't able to give us an appointment and asked us to call during her phone time. when like 20 people try to call her. I tried for more than half an hour, then things inside escalated. Danielle is deeply convinced that we need to figure things out alone and that there never will be help when we need it. she is right this time.

**** trigger warning**** self-harm
the impulses for dangerous self-harm, like cutting our throat, got really intense. I ended up using an old strategy that I haven't used in ages. Whipping is a form of self-harm but it isn't dangerous and it kind of clears everyones head and tells them who is the boss. we ended up in the typical fatigue that usually sets in after trauma. It did stop the dangerous stuff completely though. It is not the optimal way to manage all this but it worked.
**** end trigger warning ****

I keep trying to analyse what exactly happened. I think L was already at the end of her integrative capacity when she went into last session. We'd talked to the T about the topic we wanted to discuss before and she picked up that topic without realizing L was at the end of her capacity already because of pandemic stuff. the topic was difficult and would have needed a lot more capacity than she had. that is when her problems started.
the issue with Danielle and being triggered by emails is a bit of a separate matter. It mainly comes up because the system is already ready for defense and the protectors were activated because of the inner chaos. Not getting help when we tried it the third time was a bit too much, even if it was our own messy communication that made the first attempt go sideways. there was no way to explain why I couldn't reach her on the phone when she said we should call.
at this point, I agreed not to tell her anymore if we are struggling and stick to the appointments we have. the inner struggles are too big. we can walk through crisis with some switches. I am not a good host but I can keep our life running. we can wait for our regular appointments and until this is solved we will.

talked to the T. the plan for now is to separate the issues that came up as much as possible. too much happening at once while capacity is too low to manage it all.
We are trying to get L to put the thoughts and doubts about diagnosis into containment. then what should be left is the weird issue with the dissociative barriers. When she doesn't question all her reality, maybe it is possible to figure out who exactly is intruding on her and why. that would be the issue to figure out right now.
And we need to separate that from what protectors are triggered about. I will closely take notes for the next therapy session and respect that contact between sessions is off limit for now. compromise.
This seems more manageable. Hope it works.

I'm glad you were able to talk to the T and now have a good plan. Separating the issues sounds like a great idea. I hope things improve for L and all of you.

A system led by me is weird. I work, do chores, and learn. there are hardly any emotions, social interactions, problems. the kids didn't show up at all during the holidays, their chocolate bunny is still waiting for them. I sleep well, something L never does. I barely know what to do with myself. I learn and I work because that is what I am best at and I can't think of anything else to do. there is practically no work with the system. I am not good at making connections. I even think I am designed to not have anything to do with it so I can keep up daily life when $#%^ hits the fan.

L is calming down a bit. the intense and confusing intrusions have stopped. she is more sure of herself. the denial is slowly going down too. I got her a book on ACT. wonder if that helps... maybe we can have her back soon. there is something tiring about hosting. my need to keep myself busy to avoid inner experiences burns too much energy to keep this up forever.

I have been in charge of things for a little while during a crisis, so I know the feel. But, it gets better.

I leanrt that "keeping myself busy with mindfulness meditation" helped me slow things down, not burn too much energy. There are YouTube videos of rivers, sea, wind in trees... That I found enjoyable to practice mindfulness. This might help you, maybe.

Good luck.

__
Hohenheim.

so, we made it. we got our first vaccination.
most of the core team was aware of it and after we left there it was the first time that our body was able to relax in months. the Littles are livelier. we are currently taking a few days off to enjoy this and let it sink in and hopefully catch up on present life. yay, we probably won't die.
there have been times with amnesia that never got solved. no clue what happened there.
L has been co-present as her old self and as if nothing bad had happened. just like it was normal and everything was normal. we will have to evaluate that situation a bit.
the next big thing I am worrying about is the planned stay in the clinic. probably toward june.
the facial pain in intense. I want them to check if it might be related to migraines.

Hi birdsong,

You got your first vaccine! Yay! That's awesome!

Iain, Colin, Cody, & Evan

our T was sick last week. this week she doesn't have time for us. so we will see her next week.
I wish she wouldn't leave me alone with everything. It's been ages since we talked.
I cried all day after hearing that there is no earlier appointment

That's so hard. Do you usually only see her every two weeks? That doesn't seem like enough, especially with everything you've been going through.

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Sending support and good thoughts.