keep on keeping on

TW sexual abuse, trafficking

we are making unexpected progress but I am not sure if the timing is good. it just happened.
So Tara realized that she was used by family members, trafficking story. she always enjoyed the attention and the sexual interactions and the extreme side of things. long trauma story behind that, that she wasn't aware of and still is only partially aware of. what she did realize is that she was used for abuse material and that the abuser did get something out of all of this. she realized there is a major betrayal. went nuts with anger and rage for a while and it keeps coming up when there is a little energy to spare.
we kind of thought we could contain everything around Tara, secure what we have achieved in the clinic and wait a little before we move on. but like we have seen it in numerous accounts, the dissociation just dissolves without us actively seeking more integration. these realizations are major integrative actions that happened because she somehow got access to the way I evaluated flashbacks and media.
she still does not experience her memories as painful, there is just this element of betrayal for now. I hope we can slow things down a bit. between her and Asti who is working on a major paradigm shift there is pretty much no capacity left. can't even read much or listen to audiobooks because my attention is just gone.

Things are kind of slow. we try to get ready for winter. got all the meds we need. we noticed that we stop taking pain meds when there are only a few left and then slip into a trauma mindset that tells us that we don't have enough, won't get any more, we have to save them up... which is not good pain management. our doc was very helpful and prescribed a ton of what we need so we can be extra sure that we won't run out. that was kind.
I also ordered a new light box, a good one. life is so expensive right now but we know it does help.

struggling with my shame issues. so far it feels like I am not getting anywhere. I still do what I think is important, almost die from fear and shame and after a while it goes down. no change, nothing getting better, just the stupid old game.
corona cases are going through the roof and we need to discuss if we can still travel all the way or if it is better to switch back to video.

I am constantly at the limit these days.
Work with Tara is hard. It gets a little easier to stay co-con but she is intense and what she shares is extreme and I wish I could hide from it all. She is bonding well with me. It just sometimes feels like I have a pet crocodile, like she will turn around and 'attack' me with her memories, her way of being, she still feels so dangerous and intimidating. trying to show acceptance and love is almost beyond my ability. but I do have compassion... I want her to be ok.
the corona situation is bad. we do what we can. wish we could get a third shot. our GP was an asshole about it. wouldn't let us take a free spot because we are 'too young'. he is taking patients 55+ without any health issues but he can't take us when we basically fall apart. mental health is worth nothing. we were so close to SH but that doesn't change a thing.
It is hard to withdraw again when we just started to have a bit of a life.
Asti is making progress with the shame topic.
we found out that her reactions are often mixed with Danielle. they both have a lot of the memories about school and bullying and about having to manage our home situation with a helpless mother. turns out that we picked up some of the shame that really belongs to other people. they never owned it so it was kind of standing in the room and we picked it up. they have been going through shame memories to figure out in which situations they both picked up shame that doesn't belong to us. it seems like a relief.
We also got a bit more of an understanding about a transference thing that happens when we have contact with the Ts who write us all the time. again, stuff got mixed up, passive influence from other parts but we didn't realize what was going on. understanding the dynamic helps a lot. last therapy session was a bit hurtful, she keeps forgetting that she is privileged and healthy and that she can' compare her abilities to ours, but it was also really helpful when it comes to the shame topic.

Sorry we are writing so little here. we really struggle to relate to a lot of the things people write. Sometimes it feels like our reality is just totally different and we have nothing to say.

we dont have anything helpful to say but we're thinking of you & hope things get better soon!

<3 <3 <3 <3

That image of a pet crocodile is very powerful.

Here third shots are open to all, but before that people any age with health issues or high-risk occupations could get one. I'm sorry that your doctor is being such a jerk about it.

That shame thing sounds really complicated.

It's always good to hear from you, whenever you write here.

our body work T helps me to learn how to regulate when facing Tara. It is such a relief, since I just can't find any words to talk about the situation and with body work I don't need to.
we went through the process and she taught me when to take a break, regulate, go back to it. it feels so much more manageable than trying to force it. at this point I am convinced that confrontation and pushing and all that are rubbish. they just add to the stress responses, which deepens the conditioned aversion instead of dissolving it. it doesn't need a breaking through. just a gentle widening of my window of tolerance. what we did there is actually working and it gives me hope. maybe I can do this.

That sounds very hopeful, L. I wish our experience with bodywork had been better.

Do you mind explaining the details of the process that she does with you? When you said you "went through the process" and she taught you when to take a break--what does that mean? Are you just internally facing Tara and interacting with her, without speaking out loud, and then noticing how your body feels and taking a break from it?

There's a bodywork T that we spoke to initially who wasn't seeing patients in the office at that time, and that's why we went with the other one. But I liked that first one a lot--maybe we'll try contacting her again.

the basic tools she uses is pendulation and titration.
so she was looking for the smallest step, the first sign of dysregulation. in this case it was me just thinking about getting in contact with Tara.
I had somatic memory come up right away. that is a clear sign to stop and regulate. pendulation means we went back to resource topics, basically until she made me laugh, a clear sign that I am within social engagement again, and the somatic flashback went down. then we would gently look at that thought of contacting Tara again. The stress response took longer to show up. back to regulation.
we got to a point where Tara was watching what we were doing and starting to understand that I am trying to find a way to make it possible to pay more attention to her. capacity for that grew even within just that one session. I have been practicing more today and got some more improvement.
it is key to stop right away as soon as signs of stress show up. not big stress. the longer you wait with the break for regulation the harder it will be. and waiting doesn't help at all. I am not sure why Ts usually let people get so stressed and beside themselves in session, it is just sooo much harder to calm down... well, what you can talk about IS very limited when you do it this way. you would have to expect that the T would interrupt you within 2 sentences to make you pay attention to resources. it really isn't the kind of therapy where you share a lot. or where you lead a lot. it really is necessary to trust the T to guide in a way that teaches the body to move through changes in arousal levels and move away from trying to talk about things in depth or making them understand.
usually there is reflection after creating an experience, not before.
I am a bit proud because the work we do now is more advanced and tapping into phase 2. she is relying on our ability to regulate ourselves now. we spent quite some time establishing that. lots of time learning orientation, grounding, different resources. and being able to use them while there is also a stress response happening.