Need Support

Thank you, L.

Colin, shawn says thank you.

BeccaBee wrote:###$ no with the back to the door. this remodel sounds like a big fat ball of suck. how long is it "supposed" to take? I feel pretty confident that you will work out the details with the fassholes. you have a solid history of working it out.

Thank you. The renovation is supposed to be done by "Fall 2017." Things never get done as quickly as planned. Laura says, "Our over-under is Groundhog Day 2018." It would make sense, since Groundhog Day is the story of our life.

BeccaBee wrote:I missed your October posts. I feel kinda #######5 about that.

Not to worry. You're always so supportive, and we know you have a life, as does everyone else.

BeccaBee wrote:we are here. and I mean like all of us here on the forum. we are here because we are ######6 fighters. endure and survive. it's a slog. it's a damn bitter difficult muddy slog through the mire.

Yes. We endure and survive as well. We've had many dark days. shawn keeps saying that of the seven billion people on this earth, very few have had a perfect childhood.

BeccaBee wrote:work from home? snowballs chance?

Not even a snowflake's chance. We work off of portable hard drives. So we have to be on-site where we have access to them. They have to be those files, because accessing them from the cloud changes the iteration, and it's critical that we use the master version of each file.

Thank you all,

Charity

how is is going today?
we are thinking of you

Hi, L. Thanks for asking.

The remodel situation is looking a little better. "Co-worker 1" found electrical and data outlets hidden in a built-in cabinet on the opposite side of the room from where we intend to sit. Our new plan B is to sit on the side of the room closer to the outlets, but that would require Co-workers 1 and 2 to move several rows of freestanding shelves to make room for our desk to move.

We have an ally in the project manager, though some of us don't fully trust her, as she's been known to be insensitive in some situations. But she says that either via Plan A or Plan B, we'll get what we need.

Then there's our annual job review, which went only marginally better than last year, with a score still lower than what it needs to be. We have twelve more years until we can retire with full benefits.

Charity

Of course if there are no outlets that means you couldn't do any work so you'd just have to sit there and play on your phone all day. Pretty cool!

Iain

hey MDs. we are cheering for you.

Hi Iain and BeccaBee and everyone else,

This weekend we've been feeling what some of the others call "meh." We left work on Friday on a decent note emotionally, as we'd just had a productive conversation with our boss about a specific project, and about having more one-on-one conversations about maximizing our value as an employee.

But it was very cold on Thursday and Friday, and it snowed a few inches on Saturday. We didn't go out all weekend, even though the weather forecast rang true and the temperature rose to the low-to-mid 50s F and melted all the snow.

We learned that Deborah (23) doesn't like snow, or cold, or winter. Her reaction to the weather was a good part of why we slid downhill emotionally. The good thing was that it gave us some clarity in that there had been some confusion between Deborah's feelings and Aurora13's feelings. They are close. But we've known for some time that Aurora13 likes winter, because it feels peaceful to her, especially when the snow falls and the world slows down around us. Aurora13 sees the cold and the snow as a blanket of safety.

Newfound clarity aside, there's still the matter of our current mood. It's nowhere near as bad as last weekend, when our hormones were in flux. Despite our biological state in life, we still get hormonal fluctuations and really bad PMDD-like mood swings. What gets us through the dark times is knowing when the problem is biological. And not wanting to hurt our family.

Most of our current stress is work-related. We'll leave it at that, rather than go into details that would only trigger us again. We're hoping that as many of our co-workers go on vacation during the next two weeks, being in a quiet office will settle us down.

Charity

Hi Charity,

I'm glad you got some inside help. You are lucky to have a friend. I hope between the two of you, that you find some relief.

Hi, and thank you for writing.

ColouredLeaves wrote:I'm glad you got some inside help. You are lucky to have a friend. I hope between the two of you, that you find some relief.

Friend? As in an outside person? No, everyone that I mentioned in my last post is a system member.

We do a great deal of isolating. We don't like superficial relationships, and working through our deeper issues is a priority. That's too much for any outside people other than our T, even if they understood. And most outside people don't.

Charity

***TRIGGER WARNING***

We are in that dark place again.

We are overwhelmed with anger. Every moment of every day feels like a constant struggle to keep the anger at bay.

The main object of our anger is our mother's inability to give us formative nurturing. As we were growing up, we never asked for what we needed, because we believed she should automatically know and automatically be perfect at meeting those needs.

When she wasn't, we wanted our life to be a "do-over." Erase the problematic life from history; it never happened. Do it over again and get it right. We never got a "do-over." All we got is further trauma that we weren't equipped to handle, because we weren't nurtured in the first place.

Why did we even think our mother could or should be perfect? Our trauma started during our gestation, when we absorbed all of our mother's anxiety and her somatized reactions to her past. Our grandmother, may she rot in hell, always expected perfection (by way of obedience in particular) from our mother. While our mother thought that she could get away from this by marrying and moving out of the house, our grandmother continued to insert herself and her bullying opinions into our parents' everyday life. How could we expect anything less than perfection of ourselves and our mother, when we saw that nothing less than perfection in our mother was acceptable to our grandmother?

We will never get a "do-over." We hate being alive. For the sake of our nieces, we endure it. But we want so much to end it all. Yesterday.

MDs

Hi MDs,

Sorry you're hurting. I wish I could say something funny and make you laugh like I do sometimes. But I'm not very smart and this is really sad stuff.

Iain