Need Support

LittleMie wrote: Nothing like a bit of overanalyses to complicate things!

I could have a trophy in that. for real!

I have been having a very difficult time again lately. We are safe, but dark thoughts plague me constantly. I am out and fronting more than I have done in decades. Allegra and a few others are helping with day-to-day things in the background, but I am alone. Mary is still absent, and without her I feel very alone and vulnerable.

I had some very bad days during our recent vacation. I slept far too much. I find nothing enjoyable or hopeful in life. I hang on so as not to hurt our family, but my pain is immense and ongoing. All of the unresolved feelings from a lifetime of trauma keep me stuck in the emotional perspective of a child, and I can't work through the pain. I see it as hopeless and don't want to bother.

I don't like that we live alone and have no relationship. The others prefer it. We don't have anything to give a relationship, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone. But the loneliness is crushing. When our brother and his family were visiting, we all spent a few hours together, and this felt safe. Yet the part of me who experienced those few hours from the perspective of a needy child was devastated when they all left to go home again. Again we were all alone. And again we spent the whole day in bed.

Our T is there for us. She makes room for extra sessions when needed. But the healing process is agonizingly slow and painful, and I just want all the pain to end.

Charity

i know. life sucks. big time.
i am so tired of it all.
wanna make a pact? of those too stubborn to give up?
L

Hi Charity,

I'm seriously lonely right now too. Life really sucks big time. I hope it gets better soon for both of us.

Oh and your system writes the coolest posts!

Iain

Hi L,

Thank you. That sounds like a good idea. I/we also wanted to let you and your others know that we've been following your Keeping On thread and are encouraged by your progress. You can be proud of what you've accomplished.

Hi Iain,

Thank you. I'm sorry that things are difficult for you now too. We're glad to know you, and we want you to know that your others are lucky to have you among them.

Charity

Finger-pointing? So be it.

Today we stayed in bed all day again. Lots of anger. Darkness in broad daylight. Mary trying with all the dedication she could muster to get us going. Yes, she's back. We still haven't resolved the issue of her repeatedly disappearing, but that's another issue.

It wasn't until the sun started to go down at about 6 p.m. that we got out of bed. We hadn't done laundry in two months. As we've said here before, we've been known to buy more clothes rather than do laundry.

But I'm not here to write about laundry. What bothers me is the fact that I end up being portrayed as the only one who struggles with the darkness inside. The truth is that not only does Rachel feed our anger, but she feeds the darkness as well. She has just as much of a desire to end the pain as I do.

The difference is that I talk about my feelings and my struggles. She says nothing. And she calls me a coward.

I'm not one to swear. But I'm seething right now.

Charity

Things are bad again now. This fall, we finally found ourselves coming out of two years of devastation from losing our father, and we started to make some progress in T.

Then the intended major remodel at work (gut job, major logistical changes) becomes a reality. People will have to move to a very....chummy....temporary space. Everyone has to throw out as much as they can. We have to go through more than 25 years' worth. We buckle down and get used to getting rid of things that gave us comfort--not so much individual things, but the collective environment. 11 years in the same office. Things are a tangible reminder that we are real and valid, and we've lived through what we say that we've lived through.

We discuss logistics with our two colleagues with whom we'll be sharing interim space. We can't have our back to the door, so we propose blocking our desk with a dividing wall made of two cabinets. Okay with them and with Facilities.

Then Facilities tells us they won't put wiring in our corner. "We're at capacity." Our others say that this is doublespeak for "we don't want to pay for it."

We spent the entire weekend in bed. All we did was take our meds and get up to use the bathroom. The only thing that got us out of bed was the psych appointment that we have this afternoon. I owe a great deal to our shawn (16/f) for getting me out of bed and keeping me busy.

I can't stand feeling this way. One thing after another. It's like an offensive player in American football taking a blindside hit from the opposing defense. Repeatedly.

I need to know that someone cares. Not just acquaintances who act in empathy, but people who mean something to us. We don't want hugs. But support, other support, goes a long way.

Charity

hey Charity and all,
that sounds very very very hard. i wish i knew how to make it easier for you.
and i wish that i had something smart to say. i hear you. i am sorry for this loss and the difficulties.
i know how losses and change and getting hit all the time can wear you down to the point that you just dont want to get up anymore.
it doesnt seem fair that its never getting easier no matter how hard we try.
our thoughts are with you.

Way to go Shawn!

Colin

###$ no with the back to the door. this remodel sounds like a big fat ball of suck. how long is it "supposed" to take? I feel pretty confident that you will work out the details with the fassholes. you have a solid history of working it out.

I missed your October posts. I feel kinda #######5 about that.

we are here. and I mean like all of us here on the forum. we are here because we are ######6 fighters. endure and survive. it's a slog. it's a damn bitter difficult muddy slog through the mire.

work from home? snowballs chance?