lots of people drawn to you as a confidante?

This got touched on in Una's DID-dar thread...

Have you noticed that people are unusually drawn to you, confiding in you, sharing secrets, wanting to talk about their inner turmoils?

I always thought this was a unique to me experience but it looks like it might be more common among the DD community.

Are we more empathetic? Do we lack boundaries?

Idk. Let discuss!

BeccaBee wrote:This got touched on in Una's DID-dar thread...

Have you noticed that people are unusually drawn to you, confiding in you, sharing secrets, wanting to talk about their inner turmoils?

I always thought this was a unique to me experience but it looks like it might be more common among the DD community.

Are we more empathetic? Do we lack boundaries?

Idk. Let discuss!

Very interesting, and I did not know this was something common among the DiD community. I have always been that way, I could just meet someone and next thing I know they are telling me many things about their lives, just like you put it. I am actually so used to it that I expect them to tell me things when I ask. If they don't trust me then I would actually feel put off and wonder what I did wrong.

Why? I don't know, I don't think I lack boundaries, I am very empathetic though.

My mother and I discuss this a lot, although it's more-so in the context of strangers and acquaintances. Often times when we're at a store, social event, etc. someone will pull us aside and just start talking, and soon enough they're on some tirade about their life. This was especially common when I ran a festival stand - people would come over, for no obvious reason, and just chat between customers for a solid hour. I'm usually (as far as I'm aware) not a talkative person, so it's always a bit awkward.

It'd certainly be interesting to see if this just a common occurrence or if it has anything to do with DID.

I wonder if it's sometimes a form of projective identification. For me at least, I have very strong feelings of really really wanting to tell someone my secrets (childhood trauma, being a multiple), and simultaneously feeling very strongly that I cannot tell anyone. So I wonder if the need to tell secrets gets projected onto the people around me, because I shove my own need to talk about my secrets away so intensely.

Also, I think people confuse my dissociated face with my attentive face. People love a captive audience so probably are willing to take advantage when someone is quiet and looks like they're listening.

Yes, yes, and yes. I'd like to think I work hard and can be creative but I sometimes feel my career has depended on my being a basically trustable, well-intentioned, non-judgmental, objective listener. And it's not like that's the primary qualification in my field, like I'm not in human resources. I'm not immediately trusted by everyone, I've had some people develop an instant wariness about me when they couldn't figure me out. (If I couldn't, what chance did they have?) But after a while, most people tend to feel they can confide in me safely and in fact they can.

Related maybe is that several staff who have had problems or been unproductive elsewhere have been reassigned to me. Often people just aren't treated respectfully where they used to work. Maybe it was just them but that attitude wouldn't have helped.

Are we more empathetic? Do we lack boundaries?

I think many of us are empathetic but I'm don't know if it's related to the DID. It's said people with DID tend to be more sensitive and empathy and sensitivity are similar. I don't know if this is lack of boundaries, but Johnny can spend way too much time greasing the social wheels, talking, commiserating, trying to make people feel good, to feel included or safe or heard. I John will sit and listen for long periods of time to others even if they're verbally dragging me down to their own pit of hell (it's a familiar if unpleasant place). Momentary needs of other people tend to make us forget about other priorities.

In the past, as I became aware of the pathological pattern of being the confidante for dozens of people while I had no one I felt I could safely, reliably confide in (looking back, I don't know whether this was true or I just couldn't trust), others inside began making me pull back as self-protection. Some people can be emotional leeches, you know?

There's another category of interaction I do. People who need someone who can help calm them down, let them know they're not in it alone, that help will come. Being willing to be the cavalry or find a cavalry for someone under siege is a definite thing we do. And I'll give away the house to do it, which is certainly a boundary issue.

Much of this has been to create loyalty in others to us. When someone has self doubts (and who doesn't) but there's a person out there who believes in their innate abilities (and who doesn't have some), it's hard to turn on the one who believes in you. It's like destroying a positive image of yourself that you have and need someone else to believe in.

All these behaviors originated from attempts to control the abusive behavior of parents and other relatives, to attach to what was good in them and to encourage that good behavior. No wonder I've profited from these habits in adult life. If I'd been able to put that time towards practicing piano, I'd be a freakin' concert pianist.

I like to think I have okay boundaries after years of working of them, but every once in a while there's a big gaping hole in a specific area of my boundary walls and I'll think "how did I miss that for so long?"

Empire, I love that observation about your dissociative face being taken for attentive, that is so true.

Yes, yes, and yes. I'd like to think I work hard and can be creative but I sometimes feel my career has depended on my being a basically trustable, well-intentioned, non-judgmental, objective listener. And it's not like that's the primary qualification in my field, like I'm not in human resources. I'm not immediately trusted by everyone, I've had some people develop an instant wariness about me when they couldn't figure me out. (If I couldn't, what chance did they have?) But after a while, most people tend to feel they can confide in me safely and in fact they can.

This is totally what happens to me, within a few minutes of knowing someone I get their whole life story........ its a bit disheartening and maybe my fascinated face that I have is the fact that they actually remember they have a whole life to talk about, whereas I struggle to remember anything before 13/14, and some after as well.

I have to be very careful now as I tend to get burnt out and it causes me more issues due to the fact that I have issues that I need to deal with.

I am not sure multiples are specially gifted (vulnerable?) as recipients of other people's confidences. I think there are many, many people who go around looking for anyone who will hold still long enough to be unloaded onto. And when they find someone who allows them to do that, the floodgates open.

For a few years I was one of those people looking to unload. After decades of maintaining complete silence, I needed to talk about my problems so much! At first I was pretty indiscriminate about it. I spilled. Some people shut me down fast. Some people listened and said I was welcome to do it again. Some listened and thereafter avoided me! A few told me they don't want to serve as my Agony Aunt. I like those people. Most gave me no information about where they stand. I got better at anticipating the various responses and began to ask first if someone would listen to my story. "Is now a good time? Are you okay with me talking about X?"

On both sides, this is all about personal boundaries. What do you choose to put out to others, and what do you choose to take in from others? One thing we multiples all have in common is poorly defined boundaries, at least until we become aware of our boundaries and begin to maintain them.

Lacie wrote:. I'm usually (as far as I'm aware) not a talkative person, so it's always a bit awkward.

Empire wrote:Also, I think people confuse my dissociated face with my attentive face. People love a captive audience so probably are willing to take advantage when someone is quiet and looks like they're listening.

These both are how I feel.

Una+ wrote:One thing we multiples all have in common is poorly defined boundaries, at least until we become aware of our boundaries and begin to maintain them.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but can you give more insight into this? Like just a couple exmaples.

ShawTrav wrote:Don't want to hijack this thread, but can you give more insight into this?

Try this thread:
DID Forum: Figuring out Personal Boundaries

V interesting thread. I think it's probably a bit of both - a tendency towards being more empathic plus not always having the strongest boundaries.

Personally I've always been aware of being (and often been told that I'm) a good listener, quiet observer, intuitive, counsellor type (long before being aware of dissociation stuff). I don't know if I'd say people are drawn to share things with me exactly, but I and most of us are very good at reading people and knowing when something is up - people can't get away with lying or saying they're 'fine' or whatever around us. Mostly we'll just stay listening and let them just open up by themselves.

I think it makes quite a lot of sense re. growing up in abusive situations. We had to learn finely tuned observation and emotion-reading skills way earlier and with much more at stake. I think survivors of prolonged abuse are bound to be more empathic and keyed in to other's needs/wants/emotional states than most.

Where less-than-healthy boundaries come into this I'm unsure (I know I have some major issues with boundaries but still don't like to admit it) - I think I'll go have a look at that linked thread right now!