May I have some input?

Hello all,
I'll start this out with I've never had a formal diagnosis of any dissociative disorder, save from a few unmentioned depersonalizations and brief dissociative episodes, but never enough to actually be called a disorder. I do have a diagnosis of bipolar type two, suspected (pretty much meeting all criteria for) BPD and schizotypal (the magical thinking, the divergence from any 'set' religion, few friends, uncomfortable in relationships, blahhh)/avoidant personality disorders.

A little background information: I grew up in an odd household. My mother has MDD and my father does as well, just a milder form. My mother was overtly affectionate and my father was pretty much emotionally null and absent until I was 13, when they divorced and I grew close to both of them. I didn't have many friends growing up, save for 2-3 close friends. I spent and spend most of my free time day-dreaming and writing stories...

Around 17, I took some...psychological alterations, and had a bad time. I heard a voice come to me and coach me through my hard-time, and then my life, and then told me how to do things, etc.

She's an internal voice. I'm not sure if anyone has alters with an actual auditory component, but all I hear is internal dialogue.

I can understand the fact that she's still apart of me. I don't meet any of the DID criteria, except for the fact she's...different from myself. Older; about 25 or 26. Myself but on a different level. The voice is different, and it's generally a softer, more diplomatic/assertive tone telling me to get things done, what needs to be done, talking me out of situations, etc. It doesn't feel right to give her my name, but it does feel right to refer to her as 'her', separate. So, for simplicity's sake, I call her Alice...or Surrealism (the username comes from my depersonalization bouts prevalent in my first term of college).

Now, I understand that this could be written off as my conscious. However, there's another voice, again me, that completely conflicts with her. Again, it's me at 15 or 16 years old. Angst-filled, angry, bitter, spiteful, and curses like a sailor. Very mean, however sometimes nice when she's realized she's gone to far.

Saying 'she' feels off. 'It' feels appropriate, but they're still female.

My bf, who has alters, jokingly tells me that I can't be just one person. Maybe because of my mood or I don't know...and one day out of the blue, he names one something between Karen/Carol/K(C)atherine.

I named the younger one that. Katherine.

Now, here's the thing that's stumped my therapist and friend (who prompted this thread). They have different voices and opinions, but never take-control...they more or less tend to leak out. I rule it out as my levels of mood eeking through. Therapist didn't know how to respond, and my friend though it was interesting.

I stand by as a bit of middle ground. As I call them both, my black wolf (the younger one) and my white wolf (the older one). I refer to myself as the grey wolf. *The wolf is my spirit animal

Some of the dialogue goes like this, maybe it'll help figure what I should call the quarreling...
"You know what you have to do, so I don't see why you're hesitating on following through. It's not that bad." (Alice)
"And? So what if it isn't 'so bad'? I don't f**kin' want to do it! You realize how much easier it is to just slump back, curl up, and watch the world turn? I hesitate because-" (Katherine)
"Because I'm stuck in a cross-road with knowing what I have to do and what I want to do. Now please, both of you, shut up. I'm trying to sleep." (myself)

I've talked out-loud to myself before, letting the dialogue for Alice run smoothly...it felt weird, but I was much calmer afterwords.

With bipolar 2/depressive traits, my head is pretty consistently noisy. I get quips of advice from all voices of family members, etc., etc. But these two stick out. Since I wrote so much fantasy, did a lot of RPing back when I was younger, drew plenty of original characters for stories and such...I don't know how much of this leaked into their voices/place in my head.

What are they? And what should I call it? I just need some input on a.) is this normal for most people? and b.) is there anyway I can hush them up so they're not bickering to me? I'm a bit embarrassed...

Sounds like DID to me. I have the same inner Posse walking me though shi* all the time. Never thought it was anything but the way everyone was.

Hunh. Then maybe my system of thoughts are very tightly integrated together, so much so that there's no break or loss of thought? Purely from my bf, I use the term 'we' now >.< before I just said 'us' as in 'let's go!' to nobody but myself.

I wonder what it sprouted from then? An over-zealous child with too many fantasies and stories??

Still not sure. I just know they're there, and it is what it is. *sigh*

Ok wait, let me ask you a question first. Do you actually hear the voice or is it just spoken thoughts? If you get what I mean.

Pasquale

Hey Pasquale,

This is something I wrestle with. They aren't auditory (I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you mean as in physically hearing them, versus hearing them as internal voices??). It's more like dueling levels of dialogue. I have about four-six layered thoughts running at once (generally on bad days, good days are about 2-3 layers). My head's noisy from depression/hypomania; when I'm stable they're still present, but not as prevelant...if that makes sense.

The dialogue is internal. But there's definitely some level of difference between the two. Kinda like a yin and yang deal, except I'm the middle ground.

I'm not asking if I have DID, more of what exactly should I call this? If we're going old school psychology, my Id and Superego?

They're unfiltered thoughts though.They respond impulsively as well. Maybe they're my levels of mood, since one is more depressive-prone (the angsty one) and the other is...stable? I generally fall on the spectrum of stable, but that one is more...positive. More enduring and driven. :/

Yes I meant physically hearing them as if they are a real person speaking....
It happens to our host, to hear us internally speaking to each othet or to him, but in our case it is DID because we are different identities, we experience switching, etc. Do you experience switching, like an identity takes control of the body? We do. I was writing something for Joseph and noticed we even have different handwriting!

Yours doesn't sound like DID to me, more like bipolar racing thoughts, something Joseph experiences too because he's also bipolar. But again, I'm not diagnosing, just saying what it could be.
Hope it helps.

Pasquale

No, no, they're internal. I've just read that it can be both inner dialogue or auditory, but I've never asked anybody before, so I was unsure. However, they always refer to me as 'you', in different tones. It's not always me. Occasionally the topics that come up can be awe-inspiring, or disgusting to me. Sometimes it's family or friends, and other times it can be with accents. It varies. The two I'm talking about are myself, but on a different level. If that makes sense...

I might have to agree with the bipolar thoughts. I told my dad about it, and he confided he has the same deal. He calls it multiple layers of personality (versus just multiple personalities...but in more severe cases I would think this would lead to DID). I suppose that's a right way of looking at it. Now, whether or not the general population experiences this to the level my family does...that's up to debate

We/I/my human husk don't switch, but certain aspects 'leak' through. I have my derealization and dissociation bouts under control now, but mainly because I've been more on top of taking my anxiety medication. When I'm off of it, I tend to act very differently (the point of going on it in the first place was for foul mood, anxiety, and sleep issues). I wouldn't go so far as to call it switching, but it can sometimes be a severe change to how I act regularly. Again, this might just be me being bipolar. An example though: when I'm off my anxiety medication for a long enough time (say for it to be out of my system), I become very much like the younger of the two. Angry, filled with angst, violent (or prone to tendencies), depressive...that depressive part of bipolar, but I tend to be stuck like that. Kinda dysthymic. The older one is more prevalent in times of stress. Stressful times where I'm not allowed to panic >.< In situations like these I tend to derealize, sometimes dissociate. Very quickly though; it's like looking through the world through thick, foggy, glass.

I don't know or think it could be justified as switching, and if it is, then it's very mild. Bipolar (I'm type 2, a mild case (which is the new name for cyclothymic in the DSM-V)) is a bit of a mimic, so that's why I'm at a loss >.<

Dissociation runs in my family, alongside fun mood disorders and don't forget those anxiety disorders! -.- If anything, I'd considered it DDNOS, as well as the whole multiple layers of personality.

Input??

ElKahn wrote:Yes I meant physically hearing them as if they are a real person speaking....
It happens to our host, to hear us internally speaking to each othet or to him, but in our case it is DID because we are different identities, we experience switching, etc.

Ohh, I thought you meant as in hearing it as someone outside the body speaking to you...as I said, internal dialogue. And, Pasqual, I think Joseph is the host, right? I have to send your system a thank you, you guys helped me out before in the bipolar thread on self-harm, and I appreciate it

If I'm going to write it off as anything, it'd probably be a touch of DDNOS (tendencies slightly at DID, but generally not), but with a huge influence of bipolar disorder. I like the multiple layers idea, especially because that doesn't rule out internal (multiple) dialogue, various/multiple opinions, different opinions from the core, and different voices or views of the body (as in how the body is physically seen or how it's interpreted).

Hi Surrealism. Yes, I'm the host of the system. You're very welcome

Derealization and dissociation (zoning out) happens to me too. My pdoc said it's a symptom of strong stress and anxiety, a defense mechanism of the mind.

Bipolar disorder can sometimes make you feel like you have two different personalities. Your situation sounds like a mix of DDNOS and bipolar disorder. I was offically diagnosed with bipolar disorder but without a specific type so I'm either type 2 or NOS, because while I don't get the type 1 mania, I get psychotic thoughts (not present in type 2).

Regarding DID, I clearly experience full switching with changes in body language, way of talking, body posture, even handwriting.
Also, when someone else is out and they look in the mirror, they don't recognize themselves, as if the body is a foreign object.

If you have questions feel free to ask me or Pasquale. we're glad to help!

I'm a psychology major...err, going to be a psychologist one day. I'm post-graduation and trying to find a school, not sure what to call myself >.< Counseling is my next step though...Besides the point. I was surprised when our teacher, an old psychologist (probably had been in practice 30+ years), mentioned dissociative disorders are both hereditary and more likely to be found in people who are both fantasy-prone and hypnotize easily (forget the term used). I'm extremely fantasy-prone...maybe because I'm a Pisces I'm big into the zodiac signs...

Dissociation and derealization are also signs of BPD, and I suspect I have that, along with schizotypal traits (both are hereditary...yay -.- ) Anyone who's seen me on other threads kinda knows what I'm going through. I finally get to see my therapist this week and meet with a nurse practitioner to talk about some things. I wanted to see the pdoc, but I couldn't get a closer appointment just yet. Oh well...

I have been inducing trances/hypnosis since I was little. Unknowingly and mainly because, again...I'm a writer and didn't care much for people. It's a reason why I can stare at walls without any stimulation for hours on end. Freaks people out

I almost feel like they're two separate personalities and I'm that middle (euthymic) ground, and we all morph into one when things are going right (grey wolf). There's some little oddities about them. I dissociate, but not fully, and have been called out on some things. I tend to have a more mature and almost English or Irish accent with the older one, not always. The second one is higher toned and aggressive in speech. Internally they echo my own voice, and sometimes have the accents and sometimes don't. Writing style is fancier for Alice and much more pressured (pushed into the paper and quickly written) for Katherine. I bounce between names because I have spirit animals and I name them. No set names, except that it's easier to reference certain ones when you know the name...I usually see them as wolves (Alice is my white wolf (purity, happiness, calmness...generally good things) and Katherine is the black wolf (negativity, harsh truths, anger, fear, and aggression (which is sometimes good).

My head's quiet right now though