Birthday *Trigger Warning*

Today is the body's birthday. We are feeling very alone. We live alone and choose to be alone, but then we feel isolated in having to deal with all the stress in our life. The last five years have been extremely difficult.

Our father got sick in the spring of 2010. We had to help take care of him until he passed at the end of September 2014. We did not live with him, but we spent considerable time and physical, mental, and emotional energy helping to take care of him. Now that he is gone, we feel a tremendous sense of loss.

One of our two brothers ("B2") has special needs. He lived with our father, a short distance from us. We have another brother ("B1") who is married and has two teenage daughters. They live four hours away. B2 is self-supporting but has been sheltered from many things in life. Now he has to get re-situated. The house has to be cleaned out and sold, and B2 has to find an apartment. He is clueless in a number of ways regarding how to function independently, so we and B1 are left having to guide him on a step-by-step basis, *in addition* to dealing with the estate and such.

We/MDs are feeling very resentful. We didn't sign up for this. There's a reason we never married or had outside kids. We have enough to deal with by ourselves: Having to work when we hate working; dealing with system issues; dealing with therapy; dealing with depression and anxiety and CPTSD; dealing with mundane day-to-day things.

Enough already.

Happy birthday? NOT.

Various MDs

Hello you guys,

I am celebrating with you all this day. I know things are tough, very, but maybe because of that, you guys could use a moment of celebration. A cup cake with a candle? A hot chocolate with marshmallows? Glaring at the wonderful moon that is in all its splendor for all of us?

I've read that you guys feel very alone. I've read it in past posts. I understand that sometimes we want to be alone for so many reasons. Laura is the one who really hates gatherings? But how about if you invest some time in strengthening your friendship relationships? How about if you get to know others, and let others get to know you? People of good quality, people with whom have nice conversations, or walk on a park, or play a nice game? How about volunteering with something you like or maybe assisting to one of the company parties?

Relationships can be a lot of work, and surely it's frightening to be vulnerable to others; however, they can also bring great benefits. A strong social network, people who you can interact, trust and love, I think, would certainly do more good than harm.

I hope you guys know that today, I am celebrating with you guys, I'm watching at the same moon you guys are watching, we are in many ways connected, and I'm happy you all exist.

Have a happy birthday, and may every day of the rest of the year bring wonderful surprises for all of you.

Sea

From Laura:

Hi, and thanks. Yeah, I hate socializing with a passion, but I'm not the only one. I'm just the most vocal. I should have a t-shirt that says "I think; therefore I b*tch."

Part of the issue is that I can't stand superficiality, and I can't stand small talk. The greeting "How are you?" from acquaintances feels like fingernails on a blackboard. I'm tempted to say, "I'm on the rag, I feel gassy beyond belief, and I have to fight to keep from wanting to off myself. Sorry you asked?"

I don't want connections. I f****** hate that word. I'm not a circuit board or a plumbing system. I want our relationships with people to mean something. I want us to be able to be who we are, *all* of who we are and what we are. Not living a segmented existence, drifting from our multi friends to our menopausal friends to our work friends to our relatives to....a whole bunch of different groups of people, all of whom only can welcome a small part of who we are. It feels like it's destroying us.

We appreciate you, Sea. We don't often find singletons who "get it." We can probably count on one hand the singletons that we can trust enough to communicate with them about what we're going through. Even our circle of multi friends was shrinking when we came here, for reasons that have nothing to do with us personally, as much as it has to do with the natural life cycle of communities. [That was from Allegra.] So we have a lot to thank the people of this place for. (Pardon the preposition at the end of the sentence.)

I ramble. I ramble to calm myself and the others down; I ramble to step away from the constant pain. I need to give us a voice in a world where people just don't seem to hear us.

Laura and others

MakersDozn wrote:Hi, and thanks. Yeah, I hate socializing with a passion, but I'm not the only one. I'm just the most vocal. I should have a t-shirt that says "I think; therefore I b*tch."

hahaha

MakersDozn wrote:Part of the issue is that I can't stand superficiality, and I can't stand small talk. The greeting "How are you?" from acquaintances feels like fingernails on a blackboard. I'm tempted to say, "I'm on the rag, I feel gassy beyond belief, and I have to fight to keep from wanting to off myself. Sorry you asked?"

hahaha this is really funny, and I'd love to see someone answering like that; at least once, specially to those who seem fake.

I totally get Laura, and like your point of view. I do enjoy deep meaningful conversations. It's weird, now that I think about it, here in this DID-forum, I've enjoy deep meaningful conversations with many. I've met many people in the LGBT community with whom I've had wonderful conversations and I think it's because they have taken the time to wonder who they are. I guess something similar happens here.

MakersDozn wrote:I don't want connections. I f****** hate that word.

I don't like it either, when using the word connections I feel as if people is being used to acquire something else; instead of enjoying the pleasure of the person themselves.

MakersDozn wrote:I want our relationships with people to mean something. I want us to be able to be who we are, *all* of who we are and what we are. Not living a segmented existence, drifting from our multi friends to our menopausal friends to our work friends to our relatives to....a whole bunch of different groups of people, all of whom only can welcome a small part of who we are. It feels like it's destroying us.

I understand. Hmm... I don't know if I even have that, I guess that I share different "hobbies" with different people. Very, very few would get me as a whole. My expartner (not the one with DID), was one of those.

MakersDozn wrote:We appreciate you, Sea. We don't often find singletons who "get it." We can probably count on one hand the singletons that we can trust enough to communicate with them about what we're going through. Even our circle of multi friends was shrinking when we came here, for reasons that have nothing to do with us personally, as much as it has to do with the natural life cycle of communities. [That was from Allegra.] So we have a lot to thank the people of this place for. (Pardon the preposition at the end of the sentence.)

I like you guys too. I get it, get what you say.

I thought once that I expected too much of a partner, I wanted them to be my everything, to give me everything, to be there for me always. I've changed that point of view a little, fulfilling my different needs with different people, and thus giving a break to my partners. I also get to understand that they can get their needs fulfill from people other than me. Humm... I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Anyway, totally understand that finding those meaningful relationships is hard, that's why many don't want to let them go.

Did you guys have a cake? I had a full Nutella spoon for you guys. Tomorrow, I might have a nice peace of chocolate cake.

Sea

Thanks, Sea. Glad you enjoyed your Nutella. We've never tried it, but our father liked it.

We're at work now, and we're going to try to make the best of it.

I thought once that I expected too much of a partner, I wanted them to be my everything, to give me everything, to be there for me always. I've changed that point of view a little, fulfilling my different needs with different people, and thus giving a break to my partners. I also get to understand that they can get their needs fulfill from people other than me. Humm... I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Oh, we don't want any specific person to be everything to us. We know that this is toxic, and we wouldn't want to be put in the position of being someone else's "everything" either. What we do want is to feel that we're accepted unconditionally, and that we don't have to enter every setting being afraid to be ourselves. We don't have this anywhere, with anyone, and that's why we feel so alone and empty.

Laura and others

MakersDozn wrote:Oh, we don't want any specific person to be everything to us. We know that this is toxic, and we wouldn't want to be put in the position of being someone else's "everything" either. What we do want is to feel that we're accepted unconditionally, and that we don't have to enter every setting being afraid to be ourselves. We don't have this anywhere, with anyone, and that's why we feel so alone and empty.

Oh, I do see your point. :/ I hope you get to find places where you are accepted unconditionally.

Have a nice day at work.

Sea

PS: Never have tried Nutella? Nice.

Seangel wrote:Oh, I do see your point. :/ I hope you get to find places where you are accepted unconditionally.

So do we.

Seangel wrote:Have a nice day at work.

Six hours down; two to go. And we haven't throttled anybody.

Thanks,

Laura and others

Sea, I just finished an entire jar of Nutella this week. That stuff is happiness on a spoon.

MakersDozn, I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I wanted to share this. I am a support person. My SO had a very difficult time with birthdays. He couldn't celebrate and just wanted to be left on his own; it's a very difficult time for him, as it clearly is for you, too.

But I want to tell you, don't lose hope. There are good people out there. I would have done anything to lighten the burden on my SO and help him carry the load. And actually, I did many many times. He can't be here with me right now, but if he were, I'd still be sharing and helping him.

Don't worry so much about the birthday day itself, and maybe one of these days you can spontaneously do something nice for yourselves. Hope you feel better.

Patience wrote:Sea, I just finished an entire jar of Nutella this week. That stuff is happiness on a spoon.

^_^

Thanks, Patience. You clearly live up to your nickname.

We're calmer today. Seems that the menopausal hormones have settled a bit. We've also been drinking chocolate soy milk, as we've heard that soy is supposed to be good for this sort of thing.

Leaving work early for a routine doctor's appointment, then time to pick up our Prozac and get some groceries. Just needing some peace.

MDs