Mindfulness and DID

I'm curious if others with DID have been involved in mindfulness practices, and how it has affected them.

In the world of trauma treatment (and psychology in general), mindfulness is a big deal these days. There is research that shows that the brain is more able to connect its parts to integrate systems of function when one meditates. Executive function is stronger. I have read that meditation can even activate parts of the brain associated with healthy attachment in people who have had attachment trauma. There are other benefits. Sounds great! Sign me up!

I did start mindfulness meditation as well as other types of meditation from a fairly young age, and have also especially worked on being intentional and mindful since becoming a parent. But it seems like mindfulness is contrary to dissociation. In my case it resulted in me becoming more aware of my dissociation, which is progress of a kind. But it took years and years for me to wake up to that.

In response to my ambition to learn mindfulness as a kid, my mind seems to have created a "meditation alter" that is so thick with meditation that others around me seem to be affected by it. But it's not mindfulness; it's dispersive. It just "takes over" if I or anyone tries to meditate or pray. It's a very nice kind of cloak. It often leads me to mystical type experiences, but I think it is maladaptive. I asked my therapist what to do about this, and she said I should ask the meditation alter to move over so that I can experience meditating for myself, or share in the benefits he provides. It doesn't work like that, though.

Just wondering if others have worked with this, and how it has worked for you.

Interesting topic, I've been thinking about this myself lately because there are characteristics of mindfulness that I do use and because there's so much attention paid to mindfulness recently.

The current Wikipedia media article on mindfulness wrote:Mindfulness is "the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one's attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment", which can be trained by meditational practices derived from Buddhist anapanasati.

In addition to or as an expansion of the open, relaxed focus on emotions, thoughts, and sensations I would include a focus on body sensations, feelings, images, words and phrases, ideas, beliefs, points of views, attitudes and any felt sense of anything. In other words, whatever is in or floats into consciousness may be worth focusing on.

The article also makes a difference between mindfulness as a mental state and as a set of skills and techniques. I did a lot of consciousness raising and group meditation in the past and my awareness of the DID just never came to the surface. In fact, I tend to assign blame to increased use of self-calming, centering techniques to contain and assign false explanations to stuff that did come up. If I had simply crashed and burned more frequently, I might have been forced to seek answers sooner.

Here's an example of how mindful meditation didn't work for me. When I use to avoid something that might backfire on me, I would use the phrase "I'm not going to get slapped in the face." In a meditation, I recalled a long-forgotten memory of being in my back yard with a neighbor girl around age 8-9. I thought she was cute and spontaneously kissed her. After a couple seconds, she slapped me and ran home screaming. Understandably, a negative event. But I thought it was a key to my reluctance to pursue girls.

I only had that memory, no more, so came to a false conclusion. All the rest of the associated memories were held by other alters. I didn't know was that it was Jack who switched momentarily and kissed her nor that there was massive terror that my abusive mother would find out. She said a thousand times to alters she would do horrible things if I ever did nasty little boys things to a girl and backed that up with physical abuse (to put it mildly). I focused on other stuff during meditation and from an absence of further detail came up with conclusions that were invalid or at best only the tip of the iceberg.

I don't believe that the dissociative barriers that exist in the DID mind can be overcome through mindfulness alone. There are characteristics of mindfulness and meditation, like openness, calmness, and focus on what comes up that may be useful to someone who has a strong motivation to deal with everything from the past and who isn't in constant denial about the DID.

There is a state I go into which is conducive to memories returning from my alters. I'm relaxed, holding on to the safe present while allowing stuff -- everything I put into italics above -- to rise up for me to look at. Sometimes journaling gets me there. Usually therapy does and EMDR in therapy almost always does. That state, which someone might label mindfulness but I don't, is conducive to our healing.

Before being diagnosed with DID, I was in residential treatment for an eating disorder. This particular treatment center was focused on treating the "whole person" so they tried to treat body, mind and soul. This included mindfulness and such practices such as yoga.

I can put it no plainer than that I failed badly at all mindfulness. I didn't know why at the time but as soon as we'd try to do any sort of mediation I'd become floaty and far away (what I now recognize as dissociativeness). And pretty soon I'd fall over (my body's most severe reaction I believe to a switch) or become non-responsive. I was quite simply prevented by a group of alters I call "The Hiders" from going very fall down into my mind and from achieving mindfulness at all. I believe now it was my alter's way of protecting me from experiences I was not ready for.

Now five years later I have experienced mindfulness for the first time but I was led into it by a very skilled therapist. I am receiving EMDR for a specific phobia I have and she uses meditation to create skills before moving onto the work. The T. uses an eclectic mix of Native American lore, Buddhist practices, traditional mindfulness work and psychological methods to create her own way of teaching her patient to mediate. It has been extremely successful for me. I don't know if it was the method, the timing in my life or the accompaniment of the little buzzers she uses for EMDR work but I now enjoy doing mindfulness work and have begun to explore even outside what she has taught me. And my alters are letting me and even aiding me in this process. They "meet me there" as I call it. As I mediate I can be with them in the best way possible Their presence fills me. Perhaps 5 years ago I was not ready for their presence in addition to the memories they could possibly retrieve and that was why I was kicked out.

Someday I want to pursue yoga and learn how to be mindful of my body however at this point I'm not ready. Being fully aware of my body is not something I am ready for.

occasionally we can do mindfulness exercises, but only on days when we have little to no dissociative symptoms and aren't switchy in the slightest. i feel too that they sort of are like opposites. my brain travels more towards dissociation/out of body experiences (OOBE's) if I try to meditate when not in full stability. I don't always like that because most people would meditate to GAIN stability. Oh well...

Every time I try to do meditation or even mindfulness I end up severely dissociated instead. Sometimes I switch, sometimes I am "out of it" for the remainder of the day. I get very spaced out and unable to think, sometimes I instantly get very sad without reason or thoughts and feelings from years and years ago suddenly pop in my head and I can't fix them. Most of the time it's impossible to climb out of it. Many of us are instantly agitated by even the thought of meditating or mindfulness.
I have never understood why I would have to be aware of a problem that I can't fix, a feeling, a situation, a thought. It doesn't make us feel better at all. I hate having to sit with things that I am unable to solve. In my mind it only makes it worse. I guess I know that that is not true. It's just that I'm more aware of it. But I hate that. I feel like I can't possibly be so full of unprocessed emotions and thoughts and I really can't face the reality of the kinds of thoughts and buried feelings. In order to function and feel okay I have to keep all this stuff out of my awareness. Especially since I can't fix it.

Even when I just try to be aware of my body, the tension, I can't escape the tireless tension. When I am aware of all this tension and the way I have no control over it at all, it completely drives me mad.
I can't do it.

We stay away from mindfullness. before aware of being DID, there took some mindfullness place and i/we wondert iof there is an meditating alter inside, still is to some extent as in becoming silent, and let communication rise. Were scared if we do mindfullness and meditation that we will get flooded and will result in an system breakdown as it very possible will cause an overwhelm. Right now, there is an stepping aside taking place, early stages communication and I experience still at times very much difficulties with coping, flashes, visions and all the sorts, causing our "symptoms"flare up.

I also get easily spaced out, unable at times to stay present at all, especially now our communication becomes more present and apparant. there are times switching goes somewhat fluid and co-operative, even in ways of play around, such as "oh I go to front" and I go somewhat pleasantly numb. other times its like the void and dissapearing WILL happen, no matter what, an switch happening no matter what, resulting in struggling.

I know relaxation works for me/us to an extent, but it also can easily overwhelm, when other, more traumatized members are around, resulting in panic attacks and inc4reased anxiety, yet these are also switching symptoms for us, and letting it go, result mostly in an more fluid switch and anxiety will wane off.

Mindfullness, as in meditation is at these stages an no-go yet as it will surely flood us and possible will throw us in fullblown flashbacks and an triggered state. Same for EMDR, it terrifies us.

TW* we saw someone the other day preferoming hypnosis, it caused an directly spacing out, even the mentioning, showing it, without even applying to us. An directly switching. END TW.