Very confused. Please help.

***Extreme trigger warning- talks of self harm and suicidal ideation and actions***

About 4 months ago I was hospitalized for *edited by mod so as not to give self harming ideas to others*. There they put me on zyprexa. That's when I noticed my first (and only) alter, Jacob. After being released I was immediately hospitalized again, where they changed my drugs, the zyprexa to abilify. 4 months, and 2 more hospitalizations, he's still there.

Jacob and I talk to each other, and sometimes he controls my body (usually with my consent.) (He has much worse motor control than me.) I have no memory loss though.

Throughout it all, Jacob's been trying to get me kill myself. After 4 suicide attempts (the second sending me back to atc&rtc, the third and fourth this week,) I finally told my therapist about Jacob. On the ninth I'm going back to my psychiatrist to get my meds changed(?I think.)

Anyway, I've finally convinced him (although he keeps arguing with me about it) to at least wait till we're 18. (that way either we'll change our mind as we mature, or at the very least we can *method edited* make it quick.)

I love Jacob and I know he's misguided and sometimes controlling, but I don't want him gone. Will he disappear after I stop taking abilify? I'm so lonely and ironically he's what has been keeping me alive these past months. I was so lonely and he's fixed that.

Also does this qualify as DID? I don't have any memory loss, which is what I read is a requirement, and he only rarely possesses my body.

A timeline will maybe help:
On Zoloft
On Lexapro (stopped zoloft)
1st hospitalization: (ATC)
-started Remeron
-started Zyprexa
-Jacob appears
-Jacob disappears
2nd hospitalization: (ATC)
-Ended Zyprexa Started Abilify
-Ended Remeron started Luvox
-Jacob reappears
-Jacob keeps asking me to die (constant from now on)
Pushed over the edge by a 'friend' (first attempt)
Second attempt (immediately afterwards)
3rd hospitalization (ATC)
4th hospitalization (RTC)
-Started Triliptol
First *method edited* attempt
Second *method edited*attempt
Told my therapist about Jacob (today)

And that's where I am now (thank god he (my therapist) didn't send me back to the hospital)

So questions:
Will Jacob go away when I stop taking abilify?
Do I have DID? (I know no one here can diagnose me I'm looking for opinions)

Sorry if this isn't DID and I posted in the wrong forum. I don't know what else it could be.

Hi incognitoboy,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time. But we are glad that you have a therapist. What did the therapist say when you mentioned Jacob? Do you feel safe talking more about Jacob and his feelings with your therapist? We hope so.

Yes, having only one other person inside still qualifies as multiple. From what you describe of Jacob, he has his own distinct perspective and way of looking at the world. And he has taken control at times. Not every dissociative person loses time or has significant amnesia. Each system does what it needs to survive.

We hope that you continue to reach out here. As the mod (salted lipstick) said, it's best to leave out details of what Jacob did. But people do understand how you're feeling, and we care.

MDs

He said it's a problem, and probably caused by my medication, so he's sending me back to get it changed. It really helps otherwise though and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeing visions again once I'm off it.

As to whether I feel safe talking about Jacob, yes. I'm not so sure about Jacob talking to him personally though, he's very aggressive.

Also two more sides of me have come out, Ana and Aiden. (I thought Ana had gone away a few weeks ago.) Aiden is very nice and wants me to not die. He's making sure Jacob doesn't manipulate or possess me.

Also thanks for responding!

Keep negotiating with Jacob the alter that is tormenting you. Repeatly talk with him or have someone in the system to speak with Jacob. Maybe something else can help him. It is hard for me to comment on whether you have DID or not...

Take care

IncognitoBoy wrote:He said it's a problem, and probably caused by my medication, so he's sending me back to get it changed. It really helps otherwise though and I'm afraid I'm going to start seeing visions again once I'm off it.

We're glad that you're getting help with the medication issue. Having the right meds can make a world of difference.

IncognitoBoy wrote:As to whether I feel safe talking about Jacob, yes. I'm not so sure about Jacob talking to him personally though, he's very aggressive.

Understandable. There are times when it's in our best interest to keep a disruptive one contained inside. But at least we have the option to talk to our T about such insiders, so the rest of us can deal with it in the meantime. We find that sometimes the difficult insiders benefit second-hand while the rest of us work on things.

IncognitoBoy wrote:Also two more sides of me have come out, Ana and Aiden. (I thought Ana had gone away a few weeks ago.) Aiden is very nice and wants me to not die. He's making sure Jacob doesn't manipulate or possess me.

We're glad that you're getting to know more of your others, and that you've found someone like Aiden in particular.

IncognitoBoy wrote:Also thanks for responding!

Glad that we can be supportive in some way.

MDs