I need tips and help with my boyfriend..

Hi y'all, I'm new to all of this, I don't even know if anyone will read this, and I'm pretty sure there is nothing in what I'm going to write that will trigger anything but.. Just in case, I'm going to give a warning up here..

Anyway, hi, I'm *mod edit* I'm a teen and my long-distance boyfriend is about a couple of years older than me. We've been dating for a good 2 years and 4 months. It's been on and off after our first year but we're going pretty strong. I honestly just feel like everything that's going on with him is my fault... After a year and a month (early September 2013) i broke up with him because I felt he needed space and I didn't want to smother him. He stopped talking to me, which is only natural, but when we started talking he always complained that he felt like he was just going insane. But it only got bad recently. We started "talking" in January of 2014 we were good minus a few weird things that happened along the way. But July 24 he just stopped talking to me.

I tried to get a hold of him, tried to talk to him, and I'd get these angry texts, threatening me and such. I then decided to text one of his friends (who also became one of mine) and we decided to start planning a trip for me to go to where he lives so I could visit him and figure out the deal. Still, after texting him, he'd send me these annoyed, grumpy, angry texts. It wasn't until October 30 that I was able to actually start talking to, what felt like, J (my boyfriend). Longer and longer this was kinda going on, and we kinda looked into together that it was possible MPD/DID and so we've been calling his other alter A. However, there are time when J doesn't text me for days, maybe even a week or so. I tried texting him, and I got replies like "if you come to Texas I will make sure you never return home." And threatening things like that, and even just hateful words. But J and I love eachother to death... And A hates me. We've come to the conclusion that A has no idea what's going on.. He just thinks he is fully J and that is that. So my boyfriend and I decided we'd keep it hidden from A.. I just.. Don't know if I want to keep doing that. I want his alter to know that me and J are dating and that we need to make some kind of agreement or decision on something.. I just am so clueless to all of this. However, I'm doing a research paper at school about MPD and im hoping it'll help me out with things. But does anyone have any advice? Me and J are the only ones who know about it and I just don't want him getting hurt or A getting him into any trouble...


Edited out identifying information -Riccola

Hi!

Im sorry this is going on. Things like this are very difficult if not heartbreaking. Unpleasant to say the least.

To be honest Im not sure what you could do. It sounds like there is an alter in his system who really doesn't like you. While seeing your boyfriend may make him happy, the alter who isn't to friendly will just get angrier. This will lead to more conflict. Chances are it has absolutely nothing to do with you, just the way some alters can be. But being honest, I would be careful. You mention him threatening you which isn't a safe situation. I don't know he will react, but under such circumstances traveling all the way to see him might not be so wise.

The best thing that can be done for your boyfriend IMO is therapy. I don't know how you could go about having the other alter like you, but if he doesn't want to be in a relationship he will just try and sabotage it more and more.

Are you still talking to J who likes you?

Yes, me and J talk, any time we can actually. He thinks that since J is his main alter, and what he calls, his alter of happiness, that there's hardly any chance that A would even show up when I would go over there. See, what I'm afraid of is, even if I can finally get J to actually go to therapy, A would probably not want to or wouldn't even continue it especially given A doesn't even have a clue as far as I know.
I feel so selfish for continuing to let this happen, because J says he only deals with trying to 'get back to reality' so he can talk to me and I feel like it causes pain for him. And I'm honestly terrified to go see him given the whole threatening situation and also, my mom wants to go with me and she has no idea about any of it and I don't want to tell her. I love him to pieces and I know he wouldn't want anything to happen to me but I A won't talk to me enough for me to try and figure out what's going on with him and what I've done. When I tried to ask him, he said 'you do nothing but weigh me down, friend.' And he just wants me gone.. He doesn't know J and I are in a relationship anyway. But I want him to and I want to figure out anything I can do to just have J around instead of A all the time.. Is that selfish?

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:Yes, me and J talk, any time we can actually. He thinks that since J is his main alter, and what he calls, his alter of happiness, that there's hardly any chance that A would even show up when I would go over there. See, what I'm afraid of is, even if I can finally get J to actually go to therapy, A would probably not want to or wouldn't even continue it especially given A doesn't even have a clue as far as I know.
I feel so selfish for continuing to let this happen, because J says he only deals with trying to 'get back to reality' so he can talk to me and I feel like it causes pain for him. And I'm honestly terrified to go see him given the whole threatening situation and also, my mom wants to go with me and she has no idea about any of it and I don't want to tell her. I love him to pieces and I know he wouldn't want anything to happen to me but I A won't talk to me enough for me to try and figure out what's going on with him and what I've done. When I tried to ask him, he said 'you do nothing but weigh me down, friend.' And he just wants me gone.. He doesn't know J and I are in a relationship anyway. But I want him to and I want to figure out anything I can do to just have J around instead of A all the time.. Is that selfish?

I don't think it is selfish. I think you just want what is best for him. And you love him, which is normal to have such feelings.

If you do choose to go, by all means your mom should go. I am going to be honest, there is no way to know whether or not A will come out. If A was truly hidden, or just didn't care, he would never be coming out to threaten you. As is A already has knowledge that you are going coming to see him... so he might be on the look out. J might be the alter who is happy, and even if he is the main alter, A could always jump out at any given time. A seems hostile, so I really wouldn't want you getting hurt.

Going back, you should not feel shame. DID is very, very complicated. Clearly J is trying to keep everything stable and A (possibly others too) destabilize the system. No offence to you but A sees you as a threat in some way. Its not your fault, but just the way some alters see people, even good ones.

A therapist you specializes in DID would know how to handle A and make everyone happy. But in your case doing it all alone might not work out. I can see this turning into a struggle where you are dealing with both J and A.

How much do you know about A? Is he a protector? What is his job in the system if any?

If you do go, saying it again, make sure your mom is with you the entire trip. If A comes out things could turn ugly. If I were you I would choose not to go since A has already made threats. But in any case have an adult with you of you truly feel like you have to see him.

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:But I want him to and I want to figure out anything I can do to just have J around instead of A all the time.. Is that selfish?

Humm... It would be like him saying that he just want to have Hannahgrasaurus around just when she's nice, fun and in a good mood. How would you feel if you were angry or sad and he wouldn't want to be with you?

It's a tough situation; however, A is also part of that person you love to pieces. It's good that you want A to know what's happening.

Be careful about the threats A has made. Tell J about them, and ask him to be proactive about it. Your safety can be at risk. In any case, don't let him, any part of him, hurt you under any reason.

It's possible that the feelings A has towards you are not about you, but about them, and how they are feeling. Maybe vulnerable, maybe loved, and that triggers a protection system.

Be safe.

Sea

J does know about the things A has said to me, because A doesn't delete the texts. It's all so much to handle and I feel like the worst thing is that I miss him soooo much even though he's still available and such. Next time J is back, I want to talk to him about telling A some things, but I just want to know if it's smart of us to? What could be some of the cons to A knowing that he's all part of this disorder and has another person, basically, inside of him? As far as I know, A is the only other alter and I feel like it's all my fault that he's here and that he hates me. J never had these problems before we broke up, and I feel like BECAUSE I broke up with J at one point, that's why A hates me and I also feel like that's the reason A is even here. At the same time, however, I wouldn't think that me breaking up with him would traumatize him so much into creating another personality in his system. I honestly am still trying to get used to all of this and trying not to get in fights with A, but I just need some major advice and things to get me through the day. I feel like if I can't make J happy enough when he's here that I'm the reason A comes out for the rest of the time and that's just not a comforting feeling to fall asleep to..

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:Next time J is back, I want to talk to him about telling A some things, but I just want to know if it's smart of us to? What could be some of the cons to A knowing that he's all part of this disorder and has another person, basically, inside of him?

Humm... For anyone it is important to have good internal communication. However, it would be good to be accompanied by a therapist. Is he going to any?

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:As far as I know, A is the only other alter and I feel like it's all my fault that he's here and that he hates me.

No, I don't think so. Alters develop usually at childhood, because of severe trauma.

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:J never had these problems before we broke up, and I feel like BECAUSE I broke up with J at one point, that's why A hates me and I also feel like that's the reason A is even here. At the same time, however, I wouldn't think that me breaking up with him would traumatize him so much into creating another personality in his system.

No, I also don't think a break up would traumatize him to split, also because DID develops before the mind has created a sense of one self together. So, no. However, creating an alter to compartmentalize a feeling, or compartmentalize his feelings of anger, or sadness in this alter, when you broke up with him, I think it's possible.

If that was the case, which we don't know, and he will know by working it in therapy or... talking with A about it; so if that was the case J will have to work on those uncomfortable feelings that are usually handled by other parts, when the host is unable to, or when the host needs to stay functional in daily life.

What is your relationship with A? How did A "meet" you? Are you a friend to him that suddenly starts talking with?

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:I honestly am still trying to get used to all of this and trying not to get in fights with A, but I just need some major advice and things to get me through the day.

It's good to not get into fights, that works with anyone.

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:I feel like if I can't make J happy enough when he's here that I'm the reason A comes out for the rest of the time and that's just not a comforting feeling to fall asleep to..

No, that's not your responsibility, that's his responsibility. You're not in charge of making him happy, he is in charge handling his emotions. He is the one who has to learn about him self/selves, and find ways to respond to the situations he faces. You are responsible for your feelings and actions.

I would suggest if A comes out, to welcome him, try to establish a relationship with him. What does he like? Can you guys hang out and do some of that stuff? Let him get to know you, and get to know him.

Hey I wish you good luck with your meeting with him.

Sea

... For anyone it is important to have good internal communication. However, it would be good to be accompanied by a therapist. Is he going to any? No, he's not. He was.. But she moved away and his parents didn't think she did any good. They also don't even know about the whole thing.

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:As far as I know, A is the only other alter and I feel like it's all my fault that he's here and that he hates me.

No, I don't think so. Alters develop usually at childhood, because of severe trauma.
But, you see, he never had any.. As far as both of us know, anyway. He was totally fine and mentally normal before the break up and such. However, afterwards, he did get into some drugs, alcohol, and was even a part of a gang and I believe that that could play a major role in everything. He stopped when we started talking again because I know how it can affect all of this.. However, sometimes A smokes weed and the outcome is J, and we talk for a bit.

What is your relationship with A? How did A "meet" you? Are you a friend to him that suddenly starts talking with?

I honestly don't even remember how we started talking. All I remember are threats and rude words and hatred.

I would suggest if A comes out, to welcome him, try to establish a relationship with him. What does he like? Can you guys hang out and do some of that stuff? Let him get to know you, and get to know him."

I try, but he won't talk to me unless I somehow manage to get his attention. He doesn't answer texts or phone calls. Do you have any ways that would possibly get his attention enough to talk to me? He wants me dead so I can't reallg hang out or anything with him..

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:But, you see, he never had any.. As far as both of us know, anyway. He was totally fine and mentally normal before the break up and such. However, afterwards, he did get into some drugs, alcohol, and was even a part of a gang and I believe that that could play a major role in everything. He stopped when we started talking again because I know how it can affect all of this.. However, sometimes A smokes weed and the outcome is J, and we talk for a bit.

Humm... As far as I know DID develops only in childhood. Chances are he didn't know it, or he's just discovering it, if he's around teen years.

What is your relationship with A? How did A "meet" you? Are you a friend to him that suddenly starts talking with?

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:I honestly don't even remember how we started talking. All I remember are threats and rude words and hatred.

Humm... this shouldn't be accepted in any relationship.

Hannahgrasaurus wrote:I try, but he won't talk to me unless I somehow manage to get his attention. He doesn't answer texts or phone calls. Do you have any ways that would possibly get his attention enough to talk to me? He wants me dead so I can't reallg hang out or anything with him..

Humm... I don't have any ideas for getting his attention. Though he's sending a pretty clear message.

Why do you think he has DID? Why was he going to therapy?

Sea

Well, J is my boyfriend and A Isn't, that's why I can take what A says to me. He was going to therapy because I guess his parents suspected something going on earlier this year.
If he is just now discovering it, this is the first time A has ever shown to either one of us.
He's important to me, and I wouldn't let him go for anything, so I was there for him any time I could be. I guess his parents, and even his therapist thought that he just had anger issues.

The first time I remember talking to A, actually talking, is one night in early September. I was suuuuper upset and I was alone and so I texted J and told him that I needed to talk to him and that no one else would talk to me and how upset I was, and he answered and called me. However, I could hear that he wasn't doing okay. I could literally hear another voice along with his. One telling me he loved me and another telling me he hated me. It was a hectic, traumatizing night but that's when it became clear to me that J was not alone in his body. A absolutely despises me and I don't know how to change that.