Feeling Alone - A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - Trigger Warning

We feel alone and isolated. And we don't want to burden anybody with how down we feel, how sad and angry and insecure and needy. Our T says that the ones at the heart of these feelings have to choose to work through them, have to choose to believe that they can achieve something better. These insiders say that they would rather give up, but yet at the same time, they want to prolong the pain because:

(1) they feel like they deserve it;
(2) they can't hurt the people who caused it, so they want to take it out on themselves instead;
(3) they don't believe anything better is possible;
(4) they're afraid of the unknown (that is, something better happening); and
(5) perpetuating the pain hurts more than ending it, so it's a more effective form of self-punishment.

We do not self-injure. But we're experts at prolonging our own misery. We really need empathy and support.

MDs

Hi.i have many of those hopeless feelings that you describe. It's hardest for me when an emotional part feeling those feelings gets stuck out alone with no point of reference to today and no help from other more stable parts.

So I can relate in many ways. Hang in there.

It's hard not to feel alone. I have joined a few groups/communities and it eases the pain a bit. Exercise also helps. I ran three half marathons and a marathon this year. Physical activity really helps the negative emotions.

Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. Keep writing to us.

Xoxo

Some parts are created with dysfunctional functions because said-functions were actually functional at one point in a very dysfunctional environment.

And it's not the same as a non-multiple working through issues like insecurity or self-loathing or fear or whatever, because non-multiples move forward with all parts as one whole, cohesive being.

The fact that dysfunctional parts are, well, parts and thus not fully connected to the rest of the system (i.e. person in their entirety), they can't just smoothly, inherently rely on every other part of the "whole" to make sense of things, heal, grow and move on.

This is my overall impression, anyway. And with that being the case, I find it almost critical to try to establish leadership in my system and to willfully try to reach other parts.

Like, you can't connect with the rest of the entire system yet, but you can connect to me, and I will do my best to understand and help you.

Because if no parts are able to take on that leadership, then I don't see how isolated and dysfunctional parts are ever going to be able to come together for the sake of healing and growth for us as a whole person.

But trying to be an official leader for a bunch of very dysfunctional parts is exhausting and stressful in itself, among other things.

I have no solutions but just trying to convey that I sort of understand where you are coming from.

I read your post, but I'm a little insecure typing anything, which is unlike me.
I hope things get better for you.

Journalgirl, thank you for your empathy. We too have joined several online groups. Our exercise consists of walking a total of two and a half miles per day as part of our commute to work (the rest is by train).

ellenofnine, thank you for responding and sending support as well.

CopperMoon wrote:Some parts are created with dysfunctional functions because said-functions were actually functional at one point in a very dysfunctional environment.

And it's not the same as a non-multiple working through issues like insecurity or self-loathing or fear or whatever, because non-multiples move forward with all parts as one whole, cohesive being.

I agree with both of these statements. Our life seemed normal when it was definitely not normal. What I remember most is being sad about it all.

CopperMoon wrote:The fact that dysfunctional parts are, well, parts and thus not fully connected to the rest of the system (i.e. person in their entirety), they can't just smoothly, inherently rely on every other part of the "whole" to make sense of things, heal, grow and move on.

This is my overall impression, anyway. And with that being the case, I find it almost critical to try to establish leadership in my system and to willfully try to reach other parts.

I am the leadership in our system. Or at least I was supposed to be; all five of us (the adults) were supposed to be leading the system as a team. This is the way we envisioned and built our system.

But it hasn't worked out as we'd hoped. We haven't functioned that way for over 17 years. We each have our own issues that impede us to one degree or another. I was supposed to be the leader. But I feel impeded most of all. And I feel a great deal of sadness and anger and shame. I feel those feelings overflowing until I can't contain them all, and the others end up bearing the burden, suffering because I'm unable to lead as I believe that I should.

We leave the system in care of our older teens, which is patently unfair to them. The fact that they are far more capable than we are is irrelevant when it comes to meeting the responsibilities dictated by age. The relationship between age and responsibility is a big, big issue for our system that continues unresolved, and this issue only adds to the burden at hand.

I don't know whether to yell or cry right now. I can't do either; we're at work now.

Charity (25)

MakersDozn wrote:We feel alone and isolated. And we don't want to burden anybody with how down we feel, how sad and angry and insecure and needy.

Massively relate to this. We feel alone but don't want to burden anybody either. We also feel like if we do say something there is a chance that they might not want to talk to us any more and we don't want that either. Our T pointed out that people are in relationships/friendships for a variety of reasons and if they go away, it might not be personally related but more related to what they wanted out of the relationship than anything to do with us...

As we are growing we are learning that even if we don't believe it is possible to connect with others, we have to keep trying to take a risk. So gradually we have been working on increasing our support system with people carefully chosen because we think they might be good listeners, communicators and accepting. We needed them to be good listeners so that we feel we have space to talk if we want to and they need to be good communicators so that they can respond to what we say and alleviate our fears about being too much of a burden. If they can communicate well then we trust them more to be able to tell us when they might need us to stop being open about stuff also.

We have been really afraid of the unknown of seeking connection from people in real life and being more honest about how things are for us. Like super duper ridiculously afraid. But as we are actually trying to talk to people more and become more connected to others, it has been strangely underwhelming. I thought people would react more, would recoil more, would want to talk to me less, would get angry or invalidating. But actually that hasn't really happened. In general they've asked a few questions and then gone on to treat me rather normally as an everyday person, maybe checking up occasionally on how I'm actually doing at a later time.

I think to make progress it is important to acknowledge your fear of the unknown and do it anyway, trying to work out the right way to go about things that can increase your connection to others. It is a learning process, just as people who grew up in safe environments had to learn it also, it was just easier for them. Once you can have a go at increasing your friendships and support systems that you can be open with and you see it going well sometimes, it is only then that you can believe that anything better is possible. As we are seeing that better is possible, we see that it's like other people care about us and we must be deserving of that in their eyes, it becomes easier to overcome the desire to stay isolated in a way that is hurtful. If other people act like we are deserving of friendship and caring then maybe we are actually deserving of that- it challenges our belief that we deserve bad stuff because other outside people don't seem to believe that.

Sorry I'm not sure if this makes sense. I can't express it as clearly as I want to. Hopefully you get what I'm saying.

Hi salted lipstick, and thank you for your post. It was very helpful, and I appreciate the time and effort that you took to write it. I'm glad that you can relate, although I wish that no one had to go through what they went through to be able to do so.

Mary (23) and Allegra (17) keep reminding me that I have made progress. In the past I've allowed my feelings to overflow into the laps of others inside, a number of our children and teens. Nearly half of the children and a few of the teens are nonverbal, and I think that this has to do with the difficult feelings that they carried for so long.

I don't want to put any of them in that position again. During the last few years, I've reclaimed my pain, and it's felt excruciating at times. But it means that I'm dealing with it, and I have to give myself credit for this.

Wednesday evening is T for us. I personally haven't spoken to her in a few weeks, as I've been constantly triggered. I have done a good deal of writing, though. She has our permission and our encouragement to read our blog, so that she has a better understanding of how we've been doing since our last session.

Charity