Familiarity Seems To Trigger My System

Feels like I haven't been on here in ages, even though I think it's literally only been a matter of a few days. The house has been empty for a few days and it's just been me by myself. My mother and her husband are out of state on vacation. It feels like it's been a long time since they left and it feels really weird to me knowing it's only been a few days when I glance at the calendar.

In just this short amount of time of being by myself and not around anyone I know (just went to the store a couple times) seems to have caused a massive shift in passive-influence (or so it seems anyway). My sense of time feels really jacked up and it's like I've been a totally different person for the past few days, mainly happier, more confident and relaxed, and way less anxious or depressed. I feel like I've been living a different life and have been a different person, and oddly again it feels like it has been going on for weeks or months, but it's only been a few days.

Then my brother and his fiance came over to hang out for a couple hours this past evening, and even though I have no bad feelings at all towards my brother and enjoy his company, it's like everything massively shifted internally. I've been chatting up a guy I met online a lot and we have a lot of flirtatious and comical conversation with each other.

After my brother left, though, I went to text this guy back and it was just totally different. The confidence, the relaxed and flirtatious feeling, the general happy and outgoing demeanor - all of it was totally gone. I didn't even know what to say and felt like I was trying to force out or fake the personality that had previously been talking with this guy. Instead I found myself feeling insecure, anxious and a little depressed about myself.

But again, my brother and I get along very well and I love him to pieces. So I don't really understand why this very noticeable (and unfortunate) internal shifting would take place, for worse and not better, from hanging out with my brother and his fiance for a couple of hours. (I also adore his fiance, she's an awesome, sweet lady who cracks me the hell up.)

I strongly suspect that it's simply because they are familiar to me, because I've known my brother his entire life. There's something very.. grounding? About being around people that I actually know, especially if I have known them for a long time.

When I moved out to another state a little over a year ago, I was really shocked with myself as far as how quickly and easily I managed to get my **** together in a totally new/foreign city/state with almost no groundwork laid down starting out. I found it very easy and enjoyable to socialize with total strangers, I found it easy and not at all stressful to get a feel for where things were in the town and to travel/navigate my way around, I was confident and at ease and had a feeling that "everything will work out, I just have to keep on at it." I landed a job within two weeks, took good care of my hygiene/appearance. Etc, etc.

It was really like being away from anything and everything I'd ever known did total wonders for my mental health. It was a very pleasant and comfortable feeling. I'm not sure if it's that happier/confident parts can come out way more easily when there's nobody familiar around, if anxious/insecure/depressed parts are triggered by familiarity in other people, or a combination of both.

I've considered if it's just my relatives in particular, but I don't think it is. I have issues with job-hopping, get increasingly uncomfortable with roommates the longer I live with them, and let's not even mull over my ridiculous history of dating attempts while we're at it.

I don't really understand what's going on, why it's this way or how it works. But I've just very recently at least become aware of it, what actually seems to be going on.

It's so weird being a multiple because I can actually feel and detect internal shifting. Whereas I imagine most people just embrace whatever they're feeling in the moment as 'true' and 'normal' - for me it's like "no damn it, that really confident/social part has gone missing and I want it to come back to me."

Hi CopperMoon,

Yeah, for me it also seems like long time since I saw this forum full of your replies. I was missing it.

Not having your mom around I would totally see how it affects positively to being more relaxed, and less anxious. She's not there, she won't fail you, she won't invalidate, you won't have to believe and be scared of her letting you down.

Regarding your brother, and others that might be familiar as roommates, or partners, some things come to mind:

Familiar, means vulnerable, means having feelings, any sort of feelings for someone else, building trust and sometimes expectations, and thus the possibility of being hurt. And that's scary. So, any reminder that that could happen, would contribute to building barriers with potential people who can hurt you, and shifting towards feeling more anxious and insecure about any relationship that you're building.

Hanging with strangers is much more easy because you're not invested. Because you can leave, and no one can hurt you, because you haven't built any expectation, nor have let anyone come too close to getting to know all of you and being able to harm you.

So, I'm guessing that a possibility could be that anytime you "get familiar" with someone, or get that close that they are familiar, well, alarm bells ring and very loud, because it reminds you of your first relationships and how that hurt you, and you don't want that. And that may make a part of you feel anxious and insecure, because it's scary.

Regarding why your brother, if you love him to pieces, might also have triggered a similar feeling; hummm... he could remind you of childhood, and thus everything that happened and that may sadden you somehow. He can also remind you of one of the few good close relationships you might have and thus that feeling of vulnerability is awaken again, and it might be scary to feel a similar way to someone else.

Well, I'm not so sure what could be happening, but those are things that come to mind.

Sea

Seangel wrote:Familiar, means vulnerable, means having feelings, any sort of feelings for someone else, building trust and sometimes expectations, and thus the possibility of being hurt. And that's scary. So, any reminder that that could happen, would contribute to building barriers with potential people who can hurt you, and shifting towards feeling more anxious and insecure about any relationship that you're building.

I agree with Seangel here. Those who you have built a close relationship with mean they have a history with you and can activate different parts and feelings, even when nothing "bad" is really going on. My T describes it as waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expect these people to let me down or hurt me at some point so those protector/vigilant parts are activated.

Also, you have different dynamics going on. I didn't realize how much of a difference it could make until I have spent the last month traveling back and forth between my family and my family of origin. Each location activated different parts so strongly that eventually I (the whole system) became very confused. I was waking up and couldn't tell anyone where I was or even what year it was. The parts felt different or maybe they were different and unknown ... haven't figured that out yet. It has taken me days to settle down and I'm still not there.

One of my goals is to get the anxious, vigilant "PTSD" parts better. They are the way they are because of our history. The better they feel may lead to those confident, positive parts being out front more often and more effectively. At least that is what I am hoping in my case.

am4kds wrote:Those who you have built a close relationship with mean they have a history with you and can activate different parts and feelings, even when nothing "bad" is really going on. My T describes it as waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expect these people to let me down or hurt me at some point so those protector/vigilant parts are activated.

Yes, something similar I feel too. I fear they might do it again. Hurt me, or me feel hurt, and yes, those parts are activated, and I think with a good reason, it's a protection mechanism. It's tough to try to see the situation with new eyes, and open up to explore new feelings in a familiar, maybe hurtful, situation.

Sea

Glad you're back. First Una+ and then you was too much.

Ican relate totally to everything you said. Especially the last paragraph about this feeling of wanting such and such to come back. I wonder if nondissociatives do experience that? Like, they want to feel confident but don't? When I had a crisis around my second pregnancy, I would wake up each morning in a state of terror and disorientation, not knowing how I could get through the hour, nevermind the day. Knowing that I needed to get back to the one who thinks, feels and acts well as a pregnant women and doesn't notice the past, I would go for a walk and immediately "she" would be there, listening to Belleruth Naparstek affirmations and getting into the expectant spirit. She was a radiant, determined, and strong-willed woman. It was amazing to experience that, even if from the foggy outside. I wonder how nonmultiples would see that experience or others like it.

Am4kds and Seangel as usual had plenty wisdom. Thanks for sharing.