An introduction and some questions

So I am pretty sure I have this, but I dont know how severe. I got out of my abusive home and had some intense psychological help from someone and did some myself in 2000 and quit (completely?) having missing time. So there is that I am coconsious and it seems that theres onlyy maybe three or so compartments (i do not want to say personalities cause thats not how i see it). Anyhoo....Its scary to think but explains why a few years ago i remembered some things that who could forget really? But its like i always knew but it was separated into another file or personality.

Not to be wierd but I also have strong suspicions that some of my DID was not an accident, as in, it keeps certain information quite well contained...Have any of you read about the Monarch Congressional trials where the CIA is blatently accused of running 'create DID in genius children' programs? (genius runs in my family strong-hey how bout you guys, lots of genius in your families??)Also Project Paperclip has been declassified mostly and is also very strange. But naywho...

I Have recently come to the realization anyway that not all of me is likely trustworthy! For this reason I am leaving some questions unanswered lately. I do also have huge issues with HUGE differences in what I think of my romantic parnters...
***Trigger warning - violent thoughts***
Is my one 'mood' just being paranoid or is the romantic partner a threat that needs eliminated?
***End trigger warning***

I dunno I am not all the way privy to the goins on of the hardest, most protective part of myself...they fight out of some type of complex understanding of the undersides of the world I believe. Hmm...I cannot unbond myself sometimes, i find it so hard to know if its love or placation of a potential savior/enemy or desperation since I have no support system. I find it annoying how so many people can not tolerate the diversity of my mind, which, to me, is a miraculous thing that has allowed me survival where nearly all others would have died several times over, etc. At times i have no tolerance for the weakness of those with normal lives...sigh

I don't think I'm all the way multiple somehow, its like integration has partailly taken place, Although trying to understand why i did/said things has been hard, but i think now i accept that there are indeed very different parts of me inside and that finally really explains it. Again though, I do not feel my DID was entirely natural in its creation, etc. Don't ask if you dont already know what I mean BTW. From this perspective missing memories can be good from the standpoint that there is no risk i will tell someone, but of course, it leaves open the reality of, just a random metaphore here but, a dangerous enemy from the past with me not recognizing them or knowing what their beef is, etc...with the tightly enforced coconsciousness and host control, I mean, blackangel type things cannot exactly grab the wheel like it did when I was 14...

I dunno anyone can realte? any thoughts?

I have a childish part of my mind that is sexual which is also mildly confusing and...obviously vulnerable...hmm...Also I would say that somehow my 2nd rape as a teen seemed to snap me permenantly into something different....is that common? BTW I think it's incredibly stupid for a system to reveal names, dates, etc. I mean that defeats the purpose of compartments, which is part confusion in its defensive moves...part surprise, etc. I dunno I don't think My parts have names and i appreciate them better after having some memory revelations, honestly-yes, I think I would have died or ceased functioning, been severely punished for speaking of said thinig, become suicidal. Other times it pisses me off because I made such STUPID choices due to lack of information but it did get me through the day without killing myself or getting myself while trying to kill an enemy that was too great (those constant trauma concentration camp-like experiences)Good idea mostly mind, good idea mood that eventually became a compartmentalized part of me...I saved that crap for later and it worked out sometimes.

Should i tell people i date, part of me feels it gives away my hand that I am not completely vulnerable and stupid, part of me thinks the snotty easy living average persons couldnt deal with it. Oh well I will tell If i ever feel i do not need or particularly want that person at all.

I have couple memories that intrigue me, like breaking into someplace stealthily at night with a woman though i have no knowledge of ever knowing how to do uch thigns but i was doing them...sexual things that seem more posative than makes sense, little flashes of things that make no sense...I am extremely curious by nature but it can 'kill the cat' i know...sigh...I am interested in my own intrigue! Is it wise to open these boxes? I can't seem to succeed anyhow...so oh well.

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I haven't read any of the stuff you mentioned but I understood the rest of your post anyway so I can make an educated guess at what you were referring to with that. I'm sorry your DID wasn't naturally created. That will make your journey so much harder because they knew how to make it harder for you because it was in their interest.

I think a lot of people here might not understand much of your post so if you don't get lots of detailed replies, try not to take it personally. It is interesting for me to read your post because I'm aware that I can sounds similar when I share lots about what I actually think about how things work for me, it can be like that when you suspect your DID was created like that I think. So I wonder if people might read your post and be a bit confused by what you've said.

It is up to you whether you open the boxes. I think either way is dangerous, you will get problems if you do and you will get problems if you don't. It sounds like your mind is strong enough to lead you to the point of questioning what is going on for you anyway, so the boxes might get opened whether you want them to be or not. So it will probably pay to be prepared.

Anyway, welcome and hopefully you settle in ok here.

salted lipstick wrote:Hello and welcome to the forum.

I haven't read any of the stuff you mentioned but I understood the rest of your post anyway so I can make an educated guess at what you were referring to with that. I'm sorry your DID wasn't naturally created. That will make your journey so much harder because they knew how to make it harder for you because it was in their interest.

I think a lot of people here might not understand much of your post so if you don't get lots of detailed replies, try not to take it personally. It is interesting for me to read your post because I'm aware that I can sounds similar when I share lots about what I actually think about how things work for me, it can be like that when you suspect your DID was created like that I think. So I wonder if people might read your post and be a bit confused by what you've said.

It is up to you whether you open the boxes. I think either way is dangerous, you will get problems if you do and you will get problems if you don't. It sounds like your mind is strong enough to lead you to the point of questioning what is going on for you anyway, so the boxes might get opened whether you want them to be or not. So it will probably pay to be prepared.

Anyway, welcome and hopefully you settle in ok here.

Thank you so much. I have put off talking to anyone in communities like this for years because I cannot relate to having different names for my states, for one thing. I am trying to prepare as it seems things are coming through again, but i think i may keep more of it to myself this time.

So nice to know I'm not alone.

I used to have a boyfriend who said he was involved as a child in certain programs which messed with his mind, similar to what you allude to.

On the genius front, I come from a family of crazy smug geniuses. Seeing how miserable and narcissistic they were, I decided to reject this concept for myself and to use my mind for good in a more underground kind of way. Then as a teen I had a drug reaction to antipsychotics that nearly killed me and slowed my brain down permanently, either through brain damage or the trauma of it. Plus I have extreme dissociative amnesia even aside from memories stored by other alters, so I'm definitely not functioning at genius level these days.

Many people initially or only experience their other minds as compartments without names. For many it becomes useful to choose names if they decide it would be best to have the minds interact and be less compartmentalized. Some people use descriptions or even numbers instead of names to keep track of their minds.

Welcome to the forum.

Nondescript wrote:I used to have a boyfriend who said he was involved as a child in certain programs which messed with his mind, similar to what you allude to.

On the genius front, I come from a family of crazy smug geniuses. Seeing how miserable and narcissistic they were, I decided to reject this concept for myself and to use my mind for good in a more underground kind of way. Then as a teen I had a drug reaction to antipsychotics that nearly killed me and slowed my brain down permanently, either through brain damage or the trauma of it. Plus I have extreme dissociative amnesia even aside from memories stored by other alters, so I'm definitely not functioning at genius level these days.

Many people initially or only experience their other minds as compartments without names. For many it becomes useful to choose names if they decide it would be best to have the minds interact and be less compartmentalized. Some people use descriptions or even numbers instead of names to keep track of their minds.

Welcome to the forum.

Thank you, I'm not 100% i have this but i definately have had some dissassocative amnesias...nice to know its not too wierd to have no names or anything. There is also no missing time though was in before 2000. genius is not everything its true