On being a "boring" multiple

TheCollective wrote:How do you know whether they actually felt like that or whether it was a facade?

The couple I knew best were so invested in their separate identities. It was really beautiful, actually, the way they orchestrated themselves. They had been self-aware for many years and generally rejected therapy as the main way towards sanity, were more in line with the "natural multiple" concept, which acknowledges that multiplicity can be a response to trauma but that trauma is only one way a body ends up multiple.

Nondescript wrote:Maybe we are just a plain, old multiple. And that's not a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let's just revel in who we are, in getting to know ourselves, in learning to live a fuller life out in the open. Goodbye, pressure to be fascinating or brilliant or inspiring. Just be. Honestly. That is enough.

I think paradoxically this is the start of becoming that brilliantly inspiring persons. I hope for your sake that you really do feel that being multiple isn't something to be ashamed of, and I hope we will genuinely get there too one day.[/quote]My statement is more something for me to hold onto as a goal than as something I have been able to fully and wholeheartedly embrace. I'm just at the beginning, and for now much of the time shame and fear about this story dominate me. But I just want to let go of worrying about not being a "boutique" multiple as ellenofnine said, so I can focus on moving forward as the "we" that I am.

Nondescript wrote:They had been self-aware for many years and generally rejected therapy as the main way towards sanity, were more in line with the "natural multiple" concept, which acknowledges that multiplicity can be a response to trauma but that trauma is only one way a body ends up multiple.

Wow, in a sense, this is very beautiful. Natural Multiplicity. Haven't thought about that before. Had never heard of it.

Sea

vertices wrote:I feel yah. I get so tired when my T act like it's supposed to all happen in some certain neat and tidy pattern and I'm supposed to say the magic words and my alters all appear and present a new fabulous drama for each session on cue.

I felt that way with my old (non-DID specialist) therapist. She was waiting for me to make something happen. It was stressful.

vertices wrote:And tries to treat me like I'm just some basicakly normal person who also has crises sometimes. Like if I'm not in crisis life is peachy? Life is a crisis

This reminds me of a thread in which Una+ pointed out that trauma can cause emotional dysregulation that makes us freak out over just existing or be outrageously calm over some shocking event. What I mean is, I can relate.

vertices wrote:It's ridiculous. I spend every day wanting sooooo badly to have even the tiniest smeblance of a normal life. I'm not putting on a show here. :/ there is nothing remotely fun about any of this. I hate did. i hate neglect and abuse. I wish I could feel like just a human being someday....

Yeah, not putting on a show. That's the pressure I'm rejecting with this post.

When I read "there is nothing remotely fun about any of this," I feel a stirring inside because someone(s) do feel like it can be fun at times to be here for each other. I don't experience that so much myself, but I guess they do, and I hope at some point it can be less awful. Not that long ago, I read this post about hating DID, and it stuck with me: http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/02/28/what-if-you-dont-like-being-multiple/

MultipleMinds, I love reading your perspective. I have such difficulty discerning between my alters. It seems like we are getting a little better over time recognizing who is who. But it can be complicated with blending happening. Sometimes it seems like right when I get things figured out, everything re-arranges and I can't recognize anything or communicate.

am4kds wrote:Because we are so covert and subtle most of the time no one ever sees our multiplicity. We could be in utter chaos and experiencing extreme derealization and yet outside people never seem to notice. Only family and a close friend have been told about my diagnosis and for most of them it is still this abstract idea. They just don't see the differences. When I am around them I feel that either they don't believe me or are just waiting for me to do something totally crazy to prove the diagnosis. (bolding by Nondescript)

This is how I feel about other people but also about myself! I don't want to ever appear disordered because it makes me feel far too vulnerable, but when I do (often with my husband lately, I guess) I feel affirmation and then horror. Because it's showing.

watcheroflights, I feel you on the point of DID being awful. On the other hand, I guess there can be a point in healing when it is less disorderly but still multiple. I think that's where the people I refer to were. Or maybe they were very good at accentuating the positives of having a mind that developed to remain capable of building other identities.

Thanks for your kind words, Journalgirl, and sharing that you can relate.

I wrote privately to Seangel to thank her for her wonderful post to me. Such a gift to me. Thank you again!

Melissa of am4kds was right about what I was referring to. I'm working on getting past all these mechanisms of shame and denial that are getting in the way of going forward in healing and knowing myself. Thanks again, Melissa.

edit: sorry nvm

I am sorry. I was trying to keep things open ended.

Nondescript wrote:I wrote privately to Seangel to thank her for her wonderful post to me. Such a gift to me. Thank you again!

: )