I don't think our system can do this.

Triggering Topics All Up In This Post

I disassociate and whatnot for a reason. If I didn't disassociate, if I hadn't developed this disorder, then I'd probably be in prison by now, or dead. It's what allows me to survive at the relative level of stability I can actually achieve. I am pretty sure nobody in my life actually, genuinely wants the whole me and nothing but me, so to speak. They can say whatever they want, but their records paint the actual truth. Even I don't want the whole me and nothing but me, and hell I am me. Am I really just supposed to embrace the full scope of the reality of my life. I'd go completely insane. I'd probably burn the house down, attack someone and off myself. I can't even function as a member of society without processing anything. So I can't even imagine what happens if I start to genuinely acknowledge things. I just want to drug myself on meds, get disability and spend the rest of my existence as a recluse in some low-income apartment.

When I moved to the other side of the country a year ago it was because I was done. DONE. I decided and realized that I'd rather die out in the wilderness than be stuck here anymore. And now I am right back where I started. When I lost my apartment my system absolutely could not handle the idea of coming back here and being right back where we were. We all freaked the #### out together and there was apparently some unanimous decision to just go be homeless and die. But at some point it was like the body's survival instincts kicked in and we came crawling back here and it's starting to drive some of us MAD. Despite all of the horrific things we went through while homeless out there, despite how dangerous and disgusting and crazy it was, there was an undeniable type of peace that we had never had before, that we had out there. It was like the peace of actually giving up. It was like we had all just accepted that we can't do this. We can't "life" like everyone else.

We go to therapy and it's totally pointless. I sit there and talk about stuff from the past and it doesn't matter. Nothing changes, nothing matters. We've done this before, multiple times. We're just broken, period. I hate this notion that there is a guaranteed solution for everything. What if there's NOT? Then what? I sit there and I don't even know what the hell we are doing there. What do people want from us? To go crazy? We're like this so we DON'T go crazy. That's the whole point. So what are we just supposed to go totally lose it, freak out and get locked up or something. Wtf.

And what is supposed to happen once we are "better" anyway? Go get a part time job at Taco Bell and live with our mother for the next 10 years. I'd rather bite it. We have nothing. We sit in a house all day every day and all night every night staring at the ####ing walls and I just want to get out of here. I am sick of these arguments. I am sick of Logic. I am sick working towards something that we're obviously never going to achieve. We don't even know what we are working towards anyway. We just get up every day with some vague hope in no apparent direction, and the "goal" is to apparently go crazier than we already are.

I am sick of therapy and just want some drugs.

I know how you feel.. really, I do. From your post I gathered that the people who you are in therapy with want you to get 'better' by being whole? I'm not sure how much experience they have with DID... But what you said was correct. you are this way to survive, because otherwise it might be too much to handle. If you're happy with having a system that's not just one-body, one-mind, then that should be up to you. Hell, even a lot of therapists acnowledge that. My own T did, and because I didn't want them gone, he and us found a solution by making my system work in harmony and cooperate fully with each other, instead of melding it all together.

It sounds like you've found yourself in a really bad situation.. but if you could move away before, you'll be able to do the same in the future. and maybe it sounds weird right now, but maybe you should take that job at taco bell, or anything you can find, just to get some money and be independent again. Only you should be able to decide what's best for you. All of you.

-don't recommend drugs though, but I don't have experience with that part so..-

I hope you'll be able to find your way. don't let others tell you what's best for you.

More Triggers Up In This Piece

I just KNOW we can't really do this. I think most of us know that. Despite whatever whoever is hosting ever thinks. I know because we have tried to do this several times before. It NEVER works out. It's not going to work out this time, either. I don't know how anyone in their right mind thinks that just because we have a therapist to sit there and smile and nod at us is going to make any ####ing difference this time around. Even that is something we have tried in the past. It does not matter.

I remember when we were 15 and we were forcefully hospitalized at some mental institution for youth. No matter what the staff tried, they could not get a reaction out of our system. There was one woman worker there who got up in our face and said, "I'm going to make you mad. It's my job to make you mad, so just so you know, I'm going to make you mad," and she was just pathetic herself. She was the one who looked crazy carrying on like that. Our host at the time didn't even flinch. There was no reaction. We were like a rock.

Then our mother showed up at some point and I just wanted to attack her. She didn't tell any of the workers about what was really going on at our home. She didn't tell them that she had abandoned us with our drunk, psychotic father for weeks so that she could go on a vacation, and that our host completely lost it shortly after. No, that would have made her look like a terrible parent. So instead she told the staff that we were just crazy for no reason, that we were suicidal because - get this - we wanted to live inside a video game. The story was absolutely laughable. Then she brought in our combined artwork so that the counselors could pick it apart in search for clues as to why we were so crazy. Then she met with the psychiatrist, and they approached us together - our mother and this guy - to make a deal with us. We had to admit that we had a chemical imbalance and agree to take Zoloft, if we wanted to be allowed to leave the facility. I remember I just wanted to tear her face off. I was so sick of us being the scapegoat. I was so enraged that I was actually going insane.

That would have caused all sorts of problems, though, yes? So our host didn't flinch. We agreed to everything. We got out of there. I remember everything. I am sick of hearing people in our life say things these days about us healing, or accepting all of us and all such manner of bull####. That's not how they really feel and they know it, we know it, I know it. We can't become one. Our host would go utterly insane. And I am just sick of this farce. Sick of it. The best shot we have in this life is to soothe ourselves and be left alone.

*TW swearing and hospitals*
Ok, so, what I say is not going to be all PC and appropriate.

The thing about getting all crazy when you were a teen. Happened to me. They searched up and down in all my private spaces for what possibly could be the reason for why this girl is so crazy. All kinds of tests. Hospital. Drugs. Diagnoses that would scare anyone. How could a girl be so messed up? They never asked about home. They never suspected anything. Even after we said, 'parents shitfaced every night' no one thought, 'maybe it's not just her who is ###$ up.' Continue pumping with drugs. Theories of genetically altered brain chemistry. Blah blah ###$ that. You know why I think that father is a raging lunatic? And his father too, and his father's father? CHILD ABUSE. It's not some destined to be ###$ genetic code, it's a destined to be ###$ social code. It is a trap you get born into. But we, I mean you and us, we have something going for us. We noticed. We figured out something is happening. And it is up to us to STOP IT. To live beyond that code. It might seem damn well impossible but it MUST BE DONE.

I read what you wrote, you don't think you can do this. Ok. You know, you guys are ######6 brilliant and if you give up on your life, mine is way past over. You are going to get better, damn it, because I can't stand the thought of this world without you in it to change it. ###$ no Taco Bell. Ok, maybe "Taco Bell" for a while, but not forever. *end TW*
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sorry if the above is triggering or offensive. Although i wouldn't write it that way, I agree that it would be sad if you gave up. You are a unique and valuable person(s) and based on what I have read here, I believe you can get better.

I find what you wrote so triggering (not a problem) because I can really relate to it. I would like to write a more cogent response but I'm too triggered. One thing that comes to mind is that you and your current therapist (and maybe past therapists) have not done much work on stabilization. And she seems oblivious to the extreme level of suffering you are experiencing. I think that might be a common problem because my old, inexperienced therapist was like that, too. She was sort of like, "ok, you have DID. Let's get working on the past, tell me everything you know." How many DID cases has your therapist treated?

The new therapists I have interviewed (all of whom have seen hundreds if not thousands of multiples) make it a point not to over-discuss the past at the early stage, and were more interested in working with the stabilizing work of knowing myself better.

So when I hear you saying that you have tried therapy a million times and it always ends up the same, it draws to mind my past 20 years of therapy experiences, which were mostly not that helpful or were even harmful. Contrast that to getting a good DID therapist, and it seems like... those other things I was doing were not even really therapy. They weren't the appropriate treatment for my situation. I wonder if this might be true of you, too. If so, don't judge what might be possible with appropriate treatment.

I'm sorry you're suffering so intensely. When I was younger, a friend told me of my pain and suffering, "but you bear it so gracefully," even though I really didn't. It lent dignity to my writhing misery. It made me see that there was something of substance and meaning in me, behind the agony and disability. I wish the same for you.

Oh, and by saying "when I was younger," I did not mean to imply "now I'm older and wiser, and you would be wiser if you were older." I am not trying to pull seniority on you or anything.

And I'm really sorry if I said anything upsetting. I am wanting to be supportive but don't really know how.

Me too, and I don't know why I think I need to curse to make a my point, but nothing that I write seems good.

Hi Copper Moon,

You're going through a #######5 time. Stay strong through this one, it won't feel like that for ever.

Make a goal of something you want to achieve; your own place, maybe? And have that in mind, when doing any healing work.

If therapy seems pointless, maybe this person is not the right therapist. Maybe you guys just need more time. If you've already tried this, try something new, can you try a new form of therapy? Can you work with the leading therapist on DID.

You're incredibly smart, just like the PhD girl in the DID case example, so you need a very, very good and logic therapist, who can give you answers, and also a logic plan to work with.

Don't give up just yet.

Oh man, your mother screwed you up, so many times. But you've been so ######6 persistent.

Hey, how about your brother? What if you stay with him for a while? You love him deeply. And he loves you back. Is that a possibility?

If no therapist can give you a solution, then let's create one. But don't give up just yet.

CopperMoon wrote:I am sick of Logic.

Feel then. Let your anger out, let your sadness out, do what's the opposite of logic. Try a new way of doing things.

CopperMoon wrote:We can't become one. Our host would go utterly insane. And I am just sick of this farce. Sick of it. The best shot we have in this life is to soothe ourselves and be left alone.

Then work for soothing yourselves. You don't need to become one.

Sea

Hey, we are holding you tonight.

I don't know if this will help at all, and you might say no that's not helping, it's all going to be the same.. but the way it looks to me is like dust being kicked up. It's the opposite of being squished by drugs or whatever (which just eat your money and don't cure anthing IMO at the moment), because it's right there nagging at you to be dealt with.

I've found, that since discovering that I'm not the only one with alters, and that there's all these people on here whose posts I can relate to, it's started off another process of having to look again at it all and see what damage has actually happened and try and figure out my past all over again.

Before that I was a bit oblivious and just lived with 'the people' and everything else just got in the way. I lost countless jobs, tried to move hundreds of miles away and that didn't work, periodically I broke down, general hopelessness in between, and I thought the people were *separate* from my illness. Now I see they're there *because* of something that happened that also caused it all. So it's got more complicated.

A good therapist I had once told me that work (on yourself) goes on in between sessions, not necessarily in the session itself. And I believe that, because with a therpist you have to explain things in a certain way and listen to their (almost right but not quite) answers and theories. For me, in between sessions, the alters take over and talk and write notes and it's all translated into another world (a bit more chaotic and random than the therpist thinks), but the notes might have a word on them that's a piece of the puzzle and something drops into place that was missing before. It *has* to be translated in this way for me because therapy in itself isn't good enough.

So what you write above, that you're stuck, and things go round in repeat circles.. but the fact you've written it all out, whoever put the words there, it's being translated away from therapy. And it is being worked on by the act of typing it out.

I moved back as well, from the place hundreds of miles away, back to the same street where I'd lived for a very long time previously, and I thought it was the answer, something all familiar again, but it wasn't. It was just that I hadn't dealt with something in the first place and suddenly upping sticks and moving somewhere random was perhaps avoidance of something. So I started again, and dreamed of moving not so far this time. So I had to get away still, but in a more measured way. It happened in the end (I don't remember any of it but now I'm here, mysteriously, and it feels like an old long forgotten dream of events that have been lost for good), and the combination of itchy feet still and a load of head-noise to sort out isn't finished yet.

The puzzle is so big with a DD. You know like those boring 1,000 piece jigsaws that never get finished. But I read in your posts not just frustration but also some determination that has been there before. Can it be there again? Although there may be some fuzz going on at the moment, your posts can also be really inisghtful. It's really difficult, piecing through everything, and I sometimes wonder for what? But there is a purpose, I'm sure. The alternative is to *not* do it and maybe that doesn't get the brain any further forward..

I'll post this rather than saving it to desktop and it never getting posted

Well, if you find yourself at the end of your rope, I've got a spare room. Seriously, bam, there's an option. Move in with a complete stranger. It's not the worst you could do. And besides my brand of crazy, I'm a normal fun loving 26 year old with two wolf dogs, very few friends, and a purple mailbox. I'm in Tennessee! Not the most fun place, but it's not the worst. And yes, I'm dead serious. Sometimes you gotta do crazy things to deal with your crazy life. You never know. Might be fun. And if I was in your position, I would be ridiculously flattered to get the same offer. Hell I probably wouldn't go through with it just because, you know, stranger on the internet. Sounds shiesty! But you're a different person! So there. I'm just gonna leave that here, and if you need a place to go, I got your back random stranger on the internet. Just as long as you don't like to kill sweet puppy dogs or silly 26 year olds, I'm groovy.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and kindness, very appreciated. I guess part of me was extremely riled up after our therapy session. I don't remember much of what was discussed but it was the same experience as of late, of feeling disoriented and not all there, with a lot of internal agitation, yet the conversation going on with the T seemed to be very calm and of nothing that significant. By the time I got home I felt really crazy and then the rest of yesterday is kind of a mess in my head. I feel hung over today. But I am okay. Sorry for any triggering/concern. I think some part just really needed to vent.