Understanding the Alter

I desperately need help. Me and my Fiancee just discovered that she may have DID. She has begun treatment. I have begun studying DID and cases with other people, and i eventually came across this site. I realized that there is hope in helping her to possibly gain control over this. The alter seems to have an addiction to sex as well, and it attacks her with thoughts as if it is compelling her to do these things. I want to help her for the sake of her sanity and health. I know I cannot do much, but i need to know if there is a way i can help her. Her alter is a mechanism to help her cope with certain childhood traumas, and i really want to help her because i love her, & i want to see her do well. She has told me her "alter" does not like me, She thinks it's because i care about her. It is an destructive alter, which causes her to do some foul things to hurt me (the alter seeks other men out for... pleasure). However, I have for the last few weeks been trying to understand her alter to see if there is a way we can try to help her... Is there anything that i can do on my end to help her?

It's natural to have favorite moods in someone you care about. And you'll probably hit it off better with some parts than others. Normal. But showing favoritism, which includes expressing or aomehow expressing a preference for who you spend time with, will be alienating to those parts of your fiancee who are left out.

Learning as much as you can about DID is definitely a great idea, while keeping in mind each person is going to be unique. Ask questions here for sure. And accepting all parts of her as having unique value (if not always in the present, most definitely in the past) will probably bring them around -- if not to the same level of affection, then perhaps to acceptance.

*** trigger warning: talk of SA ***
Many, many of us have sexualized alters, parts who had no choice but to comply with horrible sexual abuse forced on us at a very young age. These parts were likely lied to, manipulated, humiliated, blamed, threatened, and punished for offenses that were imaginary. Child sexual abuse often results in an adult part repeating echoes of the abuse in order to soothe or normalize the original emotional trauma. That's how it's been for me.
*** end trigger ***

One thing that this alter may hear well is to thank her for protecting everyone in a way she knows how. Something like that, hopefully you can come up with something that alter will understand as an actual acknowledgment of her value (originally, if not now).

I made a break through with my fiancee's alter. I discovered when & how she is triggered. Certain directives and things that make her feel angry, or negative triggers it. When i spoke to her about it i asked her about when she was sexually abused. She remembered several things previously forgotten. 1st she discovered she had it for a long time, second, she learned of when it started happening, and she learned who was the main and only one responsible. She has seen a therapist, and will be prescribed medication. She fears it will not be healed and may leave me if she cant be healed. I am trying to tell her things can still work out even if we have to get treatment long term. Perhaps i will discover more. Researching solutions and treatments so that it can alleviate some things and help us get to the root of it. I will keep you updated.

You can also tell her that you love her and everyone inside. Tell her that you'll be there for them and that they can talk to you. They'll be listening, you'll most likely have to say it several times.

Don't try to call an alter out, rather speak to the one who presents him/her self. That way you're not playing favorites. The others will see how you interact with whoever is out and if they see you're loving, respectful and take them seriously, more will talk to you.

Whatever you say to her, they will hear too. Just keep that in mind.

firelamb67 wrote:You can also tell her that you love her and everyone inside. Tell her that you'll be there for them and that they can talk to you. They'll be listening, you'll most likely have to say it several times.

Don't try to call an alter out, rather speak to the one who presents him/her self. That way you're not playing favorites. The others will see how you interact with whoever is out and if they see you're loving, respectful and take them seriously, more will talk to you.

Whatever you say to her, they will hear too. Just keep that in mind.

Honestly I cannot say it any better, this is spot on.

I honestly hated our boyfriend at first. I didn't like that he was getting close to us, I didn't trust that he wouldn't hurt us, and I didn't like that he could become aware of us. It took him some time to realize that there were more than one of us because we used to be very protective about our mental diagnoses but once he noticed he started to inquire. I wasn't very thrilled to be prodded at but he was incredibly patient with me and he and I (personally) have been dating for some time now. He doesn't try to play favorites with us, which is a particular issue that Nini has (feeling inadequate). He will occasionally direct a question or comment to one or the other even if they aren't fronting because of how fluid we are but he's very conscientious about each of our personalities, the moods each of us are currently feeling, and limitations.

As long as you treat the alter(s) as their own people you should be alright. It might take some time; it's very possible that you might be disliked by some, but respect their right to dislike you, just like you would anyone else. As the alter(s) reveal themselves just get to know them like you would any stranger. Ask their names, what they like, etc.

If you're able to develop some kind of relationship(s) with her other alter(s) it might even make it easier for her to cope with it. Having an aware third-party can be so very helpful. But if the alter doesn't want to interact with you, don't force it because you're likely only going to anger it.

- Nokomis.

How will i know if the alter is agitated by me?

I'm sure you'll be able to tell because they'll act agitated towards you. Like if one is mad, angry or frustrated, they'll either tell you or they'll act like it, she say things, etc., etc.