I'm coming here for help about a possible alter

I feel very confused....I wasn't diagnosed with DID and I don't even think I have it, and I know no one can give a professional opinion here...I'm not here for these reasons.
I'd just like to share this experience, and since it sounds like some kind of dissociation, I'm in desperate need of help. I see a psychiatrist but she's not available now.

Ok, I've lived for many years with some weird feeling that someone else is in my mind and takes control from time to time, and that this thing, whatever it is, is bad. Like a bad personality, but like it's not me, I feel like it's not me, it's some kind of separated or semi-separated identity.
I've always called it "the dark side". I assume every human has a "dark side", but where's the line between ONE personality with a dark side and TWO separate personalities, each one with its own features? How can someone recognize that situation, when it happens? Because I don't feel like it's simply "the bad part of me"....I perceive it as some kind of separate identity.

Sometimes what happens to me is that I zone out, dissociate, and then it feels like "switching" and this thing inside takes control...and sometimes I perceive everything from the "outside"...like, I recognize that this "entity" took control....sometimes I don't perceive anything like that.
It's extremely, extremely complicated for me to explain and I'm not able to recognize what it is or when and how I get into this weird state....
And this morning, it happened...I kinda zoned out and then felt something changing in me...bad thoughts, and this thing taking control and I (or he?) even wrote here....

Again, I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me or something....just please help me recognize if this could be a possible alter and if it sounds like an alter, how can I control the situation, and what should I say to my psychiatrist?
I'm really confused about it and in desperate need of help. It has been bothering me for years and now it seems like it's "coming out" more. I'm not sure what it is or how to describe my situation.
I'm writing here because I feel like you people here are the ones who could at least try to help me with this, maybe even help me figure out how to bring this up with my psychiatrist.

I don't mean to offend anyone here, not even when I call it a "thing"...I'm just confused, and I don't feel safe calling it an "alter" because I still can't recognize what it is.

Feel free to ask me questions if this doesn't sound clear....again, it's hard for me to describe this experience.

Sounds to me like it could be an alter, but can't say for sure. When this side of you comes out do you lose time? That can happen a lot with DID. I've read in other threads that when or if that happens it's called dissociative amnesia. (Someone correct me if I am wrong please).

Print out what you wrote here and share it with your T. He/she will be able to help you sort it out and learn to cope.

If this other other side of you is an alter, one of the things you can try to do is talk to him/her and see who they are and why they are there. Sometimes acknowledging them can go a long way to calming them. Maybe he or she is trying to get your attention. In off chance this other side of you is an alter, don't call them an it. Until you know for sure, I would refraim from calling this aspect of yourself an it, just in case. JMHO

That's what I have to offer. I'm sure someone with a lot more knowledge and experience will come along and offer more, better info. I'm still new and learning myself.

Definitely share what you wrote with your T. Hope things get better for you!

This reminds me of whar psychologist Daniel Siegal describes as "the low road," when people's minds get triggered into a mode of their past. It could be an alter or it could be an altered state of another kind. You might want to educate yourself on the concept of structural dissociation. It may give you a better idea of what is happening in you.

Ok, "I'm back"....and before something weird happens again, I'll write this.

First, I feel horrible now. Not only am I extremely confused, but I'm also really scared and I want to cry. I feel like I'm going completely insane....I don't know whether this is real or not....is it real or is my mind playing games with me?

Ok so I tried to communicate with him (it's him) an hour ago or something. First, I'm checking the time now and I can't believe it took so long. Like wait a moment....I had no idea it is so late. I don't know, whatever....
So I attempted to communicate with him...like I really focused hard on calling him or something, and I suddenly "zoned out" and felt some kind of pressure in my head/neck and then I began to change....my body language, my facial expressions, my movements....he had this bad smile, I could feel it.
He looked around....with that evil smile....then I "snapped out of it"....it was like something startled me, I felt like I was moving my head in weird ways and then I gasped and started to look around, lost, as if I suddenly woke up from a bad dream. After a while, I started to get this intense pain in the left eye, I had to try hard not to scream. Later, it happened again...I made weird head moves and there he was again. He took control. He walked, went to the kitchen...he met my dad but fortunately, my dad didn't talk or anything....he (the possible alter) hid in the dark, then proceeded when my dad went to sleep. I noticed he moves in weird ways and does facial expressions I believe it's called Tourette's Syndrome? I don't know, it's like he has facial tics and walks strange...

What scares me the most now is that I absolutely have no idea and I have NEVER read about this syndrome (just saw the name and vaguely knew it had something to do with tics) but now where did it come from??? I'm watching videos of people talking about it and he's like that!!! When he takes control. He doesn't have it very bad, but he mostly has face/shoulders/head tics.

Another thing that is scaring me is that it's like a thought, a whisper suggested me this "Tourette Syndrome", and that I'm speaking in 3rd person.
And of course, what happened these past hours....the headache and nausea and the huge confusion and fear. Yes, I still have a headache, left eye to be more precise, but now it's getting weaker....
It really hurt after "switching" though.
I don't have Tourette's, and I don't walk like that and I don't.....I'm not that person, or whatever it was that somehow took control of me.
Again, I don't mean to offend anyone, but I'm trying to figure things out and if he's really there, if I really have an alter, I'm trying to get to know him, but I'm scared.
I'm confused...is it possible that it's just me being paranoid or overanalyzing things? But then WHY is it happening to me? I can't just make things up, I DON'T HAVE TOURETTE'S SYNDROME and I can assure you it wasn't me a while ago!

I'm really scared and confused also, am I supposed to be aware of this now? Am I supposed to decide when to let him take control? Also, is it normal that while he's in control he can hear me thinking in the background? (and he told me to shut the f**k up a few times, too).

EDIT: today is the first day this happened....I mean, I've always thought something was going on inside me, that I wasn't "alone". But never took it to a physical level until today....

You should go to your doctor and get a complete examination to rule out other medical possibilities. Then if everything checks out, he/she can refer you to to a good T. They are the only ones who can help you get a diagnosis. Again print this up and take it to your doctor.

You said he met your father so I am making the assumption you are young and may need to ask them for help so they can take you to a doctor. If your 18 or older and still on your parents insurance you can take yourself. I don't know what you'd do about paying for it though.

Remember no one here can diagnose you. We're not supposed to do that. Writing about it might help. A lot of people like to journal, or draw or something else that can help you feel better.

I can identify with headaches on the left side. It started happening when my T would mention the slightest thing about my parts. She noticed the headaches and told me to go inside and ask them to stop hurting me. It works for me. But I don't know if you have the same situation.

I really want to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I'm extremely scared.
Thinking about waiting for a little bit. I still live with my parents but I'm older than 18...I'm not financially independent. We can't afford other therapists now, as the psychologist and the psychiatrist see work in public institutions, I mean, I don't know how to explain this, but when I see my psychiatrist I only pay once and then get a certain number of free visits, before paying again. Well, at least that's how it works where I live.

Of course, I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me, I'm just expressing what I'm experiencing to get some help figuring myself out....ways to deal with this before deciding to talk to a professional about it.
What scares me is therapies I can't afford, and my parents' reactions. They know about my mood disorders and stuff, but letting them know I'm probably dealing with an alter? I don't know. It's so scary for me though...
I just feel incredibly scared for some reason

Nondescipt said to educate yourself about structural dissociation. Do some research on it and see if it applies to you.

What you're going through IS scary, but you are your best advocate and only you can make sure you get the right help. If you have trouble talking in therapy, write it down or copy this and read it out loud and go from there. Take care of yourself.

Therapy can be scary but it can also help a lot. Give it a chance.

Hi El. It is possible for alters to have disorders of their own that the host doesn't have. For example, Cynthia has OCD but I do not although her OCD affects me somewhat in certain situations. It sounds like this alter has a mischievous side to him. All alters are fragmented parts of the host's whole personality so it could be this part represents something from your past in terms of the way he acts. I'm also told that at times I walk with a limp and other times I don't but I never notice the limp unless someone points it out to me because it feels like I'm walking normally. One thing to do is make sure you don't panic. Panic causes stress which can throw the system off balance and that may be a reason why you're feeling overwhelmed. Just try to relax and take it one step at a time. Have you tried journaling or writing to this alter? Maybe you'll get more answers that way.

Violarules wrote:Hi El. It is possible for alters to have disorders of their own that the host doesn't have. For example, Cynthia has OCD but I do not although her OCD affects me somewhat in certain situations. It sounds like this alter has a mischievous side to him. All alters are fragmented parts of the host's whole personality so it could be this part represents something from your past in terms of the way he acts. I'm also told that at times I walk with a limp and other times I don't but I never notice the limp unless someone points it out to me because it feels like I'm walking normally. One thing to do is make sure you don't panic. Panic causes stress which can throw the system off balance and that may be a reason why you're feeling overwhelmed. Just try to relax and take it one step at a time. Have you tried journaling or writing to this alter? Maybe you'll get more answers that way.

I'm actually very scared now because I can't believe this is happening to me. I've always seen having alters as something very distant from me, something interesting, fascinating, but impossible for me to have. Or is it possible that they are just dissociative issues coming from my Borderline PD?
BPD has dissociative symptoms too, just not as severe as having alters.

Anyway, I felt like I switched a few times yesterday....and it seems like there are actually 2 alters, and they struggled to take control and my body started jerking....I felt a pressure especially in my head and chest....and felt like going "back and forth" from places....then when I came back to take control of my body I felt surreal, I felt lost, as if someone pulled me from a leg and locked me up in a room and then set me free again....

This is extremely confusing and scary. But if they are really alters, am I supposed to be aware of them now? And why just now? And why am I not experiencing amnesia, why do I remember what happened?

You're co-conscious with your alters like I am. I do have times when I have amnesia but for the most part I'm co-conscious, where I know what's going on but it feels like I'm in the passenger seat and have very little influence on what's going on. I felt like that a moment ago when my protector, Cynthia, made me go get breakfast and then picked it out for me. She got fruit, yogurt and a croissant. It is possible to be aware of them. I just became aware of my alters recently. I don't know why yours showed up but for me, I think mine did because I was under a lot of stress and they help relieve the stress. I would try to communicate with your alters to find out why they're acting the way they're acting. Keep in mind, that your alters are a part of you and have a specific purpose. While denial is common with DID, try to avoid it since sometimes alters can take offense to it.