Scared about my SO integrating

I'm really scared about her integrating in the future. I'm scared of an alter taking over for a really long time. I'm scared enough of them will end up hating me and then they won't love me after they integrate.

**TW: Suicide, Depression**

and I am so dependent on this relationship. I know it's not healthy, but her dragging me along is the only thing keeping me from ruining my life. I always wanted to kill myself before I met her. I just couldn't do it. I was prepared to ruin my life and push myself into a corner where I would become desperate enough.

I'm starting to feel like that again. I get in these moods where I want to ruin everything so I can just die and it'll be over. I'm going to hurt her, but at the same time she's too dependent on me for me to leave. I'm going to ###$ everything up. I always push things closer and closer to the breaking point when I'm like this. I'll ###$ up I know I will. They should hate me. I want them to leave. I don't want to hurt any of them anymore. I keep telling myself they should have someone better and I want them to find someone else. It will kill me but it's what should happen. I want to die but I can't. I can't do anything right. I don't want to exist anymore.

At the same time I want to spend my life with her, but I'm scared that other alters won't let it happen. I don't want her to stop caring about me. I don't want someone else to take over and I never see her again.

Of the alters I know, I love one of them as much as I love her and she loves me too. The other two I don't know very well, but one likes me. The other hates me.

I'm breaking down and I don't know what to do and I don't want to ruin everything

Hi Scratch. Does your SO want to integrate? Also, if your SO didn't think you were good for the system, she wouldn't have decided to stay with you. While not all of her alters like you, it's evident that she needs you and you need her. Have you told your SO about how you're feeling? Maybe talking to her about the situation will help put your fears at rest.

She does eventually.. she can't get therapy right now though.

I've talked to her about it, but in my head I keep telling myself that she doesn't really know what will happen. We only know of three alters now but I'm worried more will show up and they won't like me and they'll leave.

Hi Scratch,

Being in a relationship, many times, it's an act of bravery. You put yourself out there, and you're vulnerable to be hurt, but you're also open to experiencing magnificent things. A relationship with someone with DID is in no way different.

Have you considered looking at the reasons that got you to want to end up your life? Have you considered therapy for yourself? Have you talked to anyone about what's hurting you?

Hey, why don't you explore the reasons why you're in this mood right now. Talk it over with someone you trust. Take care of yourself. Do things that you feel comfortable with, and that feel nice: exercise, a warm shower, a massage, sleeping, having a warm beverage, going outside and walking among trees, breathe.

Regarding your relationship, be the best you can be in the relationship. Commit yourself. And if after that all, any part or parts of her decide to leave, well, you'll have given it your best. Yes, it probably will hurt, but it'll pass as well.

Being scare about things changing it's normal. So, try to see why you're feeling the way you feel.

Take care of you.

Sea

I tried talking to one of her alters about how I was feeling because she's really stressed out right now. I talked to Odette first, because I usually go to her when I'm anxious about something and I'm scared of talking to anyone else about it. She told me I needed to talk to Jeremy about it, because she doesn't know what will happen. He's been around the longest and he can restrain others in the system and has access to all their memories.

I ended up talking to him and he told me he wasn't going to let anyone else take over and that I shouldn't worry. At that point I broke down and started saying I was only going to ###$ everything up and asking why he would want to help me. He told me that I'm the first person she's ever been with where it felt like it would last and that she and Odette both loved me a lot. He said he knows I care about them even though I hurt them sometimes and that he doesn't want me to leave or for her to leave me.

After that I feel a lot better about everything.

Hi Scratch,
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I have read some articles that said a lot of DIDs don't achieve integration. They may not want to integrate. No one can say for sure what will happen with her and her alters. My T said that the best goal for me right now is to be able to co-exist with my alters. Which is another option. And you don't know, integration might be a good thing. It's possible that it could be.

Remember too that all of her alters are still her, they're just different aspects of her. And it sounds like they all love you and think highly of you, except the one. That says a lot about you and how loving, and accepting you are.

Sounds like you might be catastrophising (not sure about the spelling) about things that may or may not happen. And you're assuming she'll integrate. You don't know and worrying about it right now isn't going to change anything in the future. You said she's not in therapy, but when she does get into therapy it can take years for either co-conscious or integration to occur. That's my understanding. I don't know if any of that can happen naturally without therapy.

Don't talk things into existence. Concentrate on the here and now. Concentrate on today, right now and enjoy the love you share with her. That is very special. A previous post suggested to do something nice for yourself, and I agree. Do something to pamper yourself and make yourself feel better.

If you can you might want to seek therapy for yourself. Just something to think about.

Hope this helps.