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Update and a question

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Update and a question

Postby lifepuzzle » Fri Aug 29, 2014 9:38 pm

Greetings everyone,

It has been some time since I last wrote something here. To those who worried, I am well, but I was rather busy. I will start by covering how summer went for me, in a roughly chronological order. I will also write another post about a more serious issue instead of writing it here, to keep the length of both posts manageable. Those who wish to skip reading the update and only read the questions may do so by going to the header in bold at the two-thirds of the post.

I finished the session exhausted, with little energy, and some homeworks left to do. During the month of June, there was little improvement in my condition : I still felt exhausted, and I had problems with doing homeworks and just caring after me because I had concentration issues. In hindsight, June was a month to "recharge the batteries", so to speak. I also started taking an antidepressant in the same month, but I stopped it because I had a hard time remembering to take it on time. I restarted taking that antidepressant and made sure not to forget it. The T and the psychiatrist did not think I was depressive, but the psychiatrist tried it anyway. It seems to have had a positive effect so far ! I also had an appointment with a doctor to evaluate my energy and balance issues, and would have had a blood test, but I lost the paper, so it had to be redone; I went for the blood test maybe two weeks ago.

Then came July; I had more energy, and less concentration issues, and started caring for myself better. The first two weeks were mainly about getting better, and I did get better. I still had problems with proper sleep times, but I decided I would not fight it since I did not need to wake up early. On the third week I started working in my late homeworks again, and I was very productive doing so; I still am, but I am not done yet ... On the end of the month, my psychiatrist suggested me to register to the variable-intensity assistance, so I have been seeing a mental health nurse (most of the time at my home) once a week since then. It has been helpful, and the help is very concrete.

The month of August was pretty much dedicated to finish my homeworks. One of these works was doing a interactive software simulation of a water-jet carwash : the difficulty and complexity was considerably higher than previous assignments; although I did not have problems with the difficulty level, there was a lot more work to do. Since I couldn't join the teachers, I did the work as requested on the assignment sheet. When they came back to work, the teacher told me he had significantly revised the assignment, but my work is too far done to start over, so I will hand over the product of the original assignment, which he agreed to (and was rather impressed I'd try something so difficult).

The semester started this week, and my schedule has only 12 hours of class. I told my father I'd be looking for a job, and to my surprise, he told me to start the semester first, and see how well it goes before attempting to have a job, that he had the financial means to help me and would do it. It relieves me from some pressure.

That is pretty much it about my updates. Still no communication with the others in here.

A few questions about proprioception (it may trigger some; I talk of unusual body sensations)

One point which still worries me is my proprioception. My body seems to have difficulty identifying its position at rest properly.

As an example, if I lie on my bed, on my back, without moving and my hands in a comfortable position, I will end up feeling confused about the position and shape of my hands : I know that they haven't moved or changed shape, but my proprioception will indicate me that some fingers have "fused" together (sometimes all of them), and I can't figure out where exactly, in relation to my body, my hands are from proprioception alone. Other disturbances include not being able to properly sense the angle of most joints, and my brain reporting "erroneous" information : my proprioception starts reporting that I am adopting contorted or even impossible body positions or that I become dislocated and it really creeps me out, especially about the angle of my head. This happens only at rest : if I move, even just a little, my proprioception usually resets to the "correct" position.

Can this be related to DID ? Has someone else experience something similar ?

Thank you for your answers !
When you screw up, and nobody says anything anymore, it means that they gave up on you - Randy Pausch
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Re: Update and a question

Postby Seangel » Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:16 pm

Hey LZ,

So good to read you. I'm glad your dad is helping, and that it frees a little of pressure from your shoulders. Good to know about your projects at school. I wish you would've had more communication with the others, but I guess there's a reason for it.

Sea
Taking myself some time away from PF. Sea (Dec, 2016)
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Re: Update and a question

Postby firelamb67 » Sat Aug 30, 2014 12:44 am

I haven't heard of your condition before. I have no idea if it's a part od DID or not. Suppose
Anything is possible though.

If you say movement resets everything, try rocking your foot from side to side to keep it at bay. That's the only suggestion I can think of. I know if you're in bed you'll fall asleep, maybe you wont be aware and can get some rest? When you wake up wiggle your toes. I know nothing of what I speak.

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Re: Update and a question

Postby TheCollective » Sat Aug 30, 2014 5:24 am

lifepuzzle wrote:One point which still worries me is my proprioception. My body seems to have difficulty identifying its position at rest properly.

As an example, if I lie on my bed, on my back, without moving and my hands in a comfortable position, I will end up feeling confused about the position and shape of my hands : I know that they haven't moved or changed shape, but my proprioception will indicate me that some fingers have "fused" together (sometimes all of them), and I can't figure out where exactly, in relation to my body, my hands are from proprioception alone. Other disturbances include not being able to properly sense the angle of most joints, and my brain reporting "erroneous" information : my proprioception starts reporting that I am adopting contorted or even impossible body positions or that I become dislocated and it really creeps me out, especially about the angle of my head. This happens only at rest : if I move, even just a little, my proprioception usually resets to the "correct" position.


Why does this worry you?
Just asking because I've had this all my life as well but we always rather enjoyed it. I think it might be dissociation related. But that's just a wild guess. It seems to me that it's some sort of rush- Idk the correct word to describe it, but I mean a fuzzy state of mind. Like some sort of self hypnosis or depersonalization or something like that. Anyway, had it all my life, used to be a much more frequent and a stronger sensation when I was younger. I actively used it as a relaxation technique and I can still call upon it whenever I wish, provided I'm not moving the body.
~TheCollective, F. 31

Dx DID, C-PTSD, BPD. Suspect bipolar.
Rx citalopram 20 mg, depakine 600 mg, abilify 5 mg
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Re: Update and a question

Postby Johnny-Jack » Fri Sep 05, 2014 1:01 am

The disturbance in proprioception you describe sounds disturbingly familiar but I can't find a memory of mine about it. I only mention this because the vague sense feels connected to my DID, derealization, and fogginess of my childhood. I do seem to recall lying down for a nap or to sleep but feeling that my body was drifting, floating, too light, too heavy or parts were anchored or missing or somehow located in another time or place. Okay, this specificity is surprising me now. I write this, it feels unconnected to me or my memory, I feel like I therefore must be imagining it, but something keeps me from erasing it, suggesting somebody else remembers. Sphinx is telling me the details were events for someone.

I'd say if it bothers you, you should try to focus on it with a T or doctor or by journaling. Of course it coyld just be something physical. But when you have DID, you should at least consider that it might all be connected.

Okay, I do have experiences of the creepiness of the body not being right from time to time. I'm somewhere sitting maybe, not moving, and some part of the body starts feeling really off. Sort of like if my arm were to fall asleep, I would feel compelled to move and shake it quickly. Except in these creepy experiences nothing has fallen asleep and there's no tingling or pain, just an uncomfortable sense (not really a bodily sensation) that something is really off and I have to fix it, to shake it off. I stood up in the middle of an audience during a meeting before knowing it would make me look like I wanted to speak but really I just had to MOVE.

Is it possible these are somatic-like memories, the bodily proprioception aspect of a flashback,just as one might get just the emotional content or only the narrative portion of a trauma memory via a flashback? I don't know.
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Re: Update and a question

Postby lifepuzzle » Sun Sep 07, 2014 12:19 am

Hi, thanks for your answers !

TheCollective wrote:Why does this worry you? [...] I actively used it as a relaxation technique and I can still call upon it whenever I wish, provided I'm not moving the body.


Well, I certainly don't mind it when I feel my body moving like it's following a wave and I can imagine myself on a beach. On the other hand, feeling like you're adopting body positions that don't make any sense, are impossible (think video game ragdoll physics glitches for an example), or even that you are dislocating or being torn apart is not what I'd call a relaxation technique. It does occur when I try relaxing (not when doing progressive muscle relaxation, that said), but not only in that case. It can happen when I'm sitting as well, as long as I am not moving significantly. I can still go to sleep and recuperate, but it is rather annoying.

It seems like I'm still having issues with my energy. I have noticed that, for the same amount of sleep, I feel better rested when I sleep from about 1 or 2 am to 11am or noon than on a "normal" schedule (10pm to 7am). I'll mention it to the doctor on the next appointment (which has yet to be scheduled). I've tried tackling the problem with my T, but it went nowhere so far.

At least it's kind of nice to see, Johnny-Jack, that something similar has happened to somebody else. It might be connected to DID; that disorder does come with an impressive number of unusual phenomena of its own.

There is also my short-term memory which seems ... unreliable, to say the least. My long-term memory seems to be fine however, much over average I might say if remembering the contents of a college class from over 4 years ago better than students who have had it in the last 8 months is any indication. Yet, I regularly get lost in what I'm doing. I especially have problems remembering that I have to do something at a certain time, or after some event (like shutting down the lights and closing the door to a computer lab after I'm done there).

Johnny-Jack wrote:but feeling that my body was drifting, floating, too light, too heavy or parts were anchored or missing or somehow located in another time or place


This describes rather well what I feel like when my proprioception goes haywire.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Is it possible these are somatic-like memories, the bodily proprioception aspect of a flashback,just as one might get just the emotional content or only the narrative portion of a trauma memory via a flashback? I don't know.


And I hope not. On the other hand, I have no idea what such a flashback would be about; a parallel thought process tells me I'd rather not discover.

Now on to another post I was supposed to write after I wrote the first one in this thread.
When you screw up, and nobody says anything anymore, it means that they gave up on you - Randy Pausch
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Re: Update and a question

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Sep 09, 2014 1:27 am

lifepuzzle wrote:
Johnny-Jack wrote:Is it possible these are somatic-like memories, the bodily proprioception aspect of a flashback,just as one might get just the emotional content or only the narrative portion of a trauma memory via a flashback? I don't know.

And I hope not. On the other hand, I have no idea what such a flashback would be about; a parallel thought process tells me I'd rather not discover.


Okay, I may make things worse but I've done a bit of looking inward about these weird experiences -- I'm able to call some up now if I try, like right now -- and signs suggest they are somatic memories. I'm noticing they're repetitive, the same ickiness in an area of the body that tells me I need to move it. And some of them have shown up several dozens of times throughout my life. I just didn't register it well.

*** trigger warning -- abuse detail ***
Memories are definitely popping up of times the body was strapped down by the mother for a torture session and also of the father holding the body against him and me struggling in vane to get away. I know from experience if these memories are coming up when I'm kind of open and empty and trying to see what's there, it's connected.
*** trigger end ***

Thanks so much for sharing the details of your experience because they allowed me to put this together! Of course, this description holds for me, not necessarily for everyone.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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Re: Update and a question

Postby lifepuzzle » Wed Sep 17, 2014 2:31 am

Hi Johnny-Jack,

I'm happy my experience has helped you progress, even if just a little bit ! (Yay, I'm finally contributing something somehow useful to the forum!)

On my side, well, there is no change for the moment. I'm still waiting for a bunch of test results to come back so I can have my next appointement with the doctor, see if there is something wrong physiologically. It's probably linked to DID but I fail to understand how. The phenomenon is quite irregular, and, after inspection, also happens when I'm standing and am still for long enough.
When you screw up, and nobody says anything anymore, it means that they gave up on you - Randy Pausch
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