Alter does not like Husband

Most of my alters have mixed feelings about my husband. Mainly because he still refuses to really accept my DID diagnosis and try to get to know them as individuals. I have child parts that really, really want to connect with him but older alters stop them from doing so out of fear that he will rebuff them. The main other alter that comes out a lot really does not like him, apparently hasn't for a long time. The two of them are constantly arguing or she is totally ignoring him.

One day I am asking him to try to be more communicative with all my parts and work on being more emotionally expressive. Please help me, Please pay attention...that type of thing. And, the next day she is telling him to leave us alone and don't talk to us. The thing is he can't/won't recognize that this is an alter and not me. I've tried to tell him, my therapist has tried to tell him...and I feel like he just isn't getting it. So, he ends up being very, very frustrated with me/us, which then triggers this other alter out even more.

Last night I tried to break through her barrier so I could tell my husband it wasn't me and she wouldn't let me. Has anyone developed some sort of signal they use with SOs or friends to tell them it is another part?

My SO usually see's a shift in me and asks, "which one are you?" And it'll go from there. But not many are out to her though. She hasn't had to deal with the more aggressive ones.

I don't know if this is proper or possible but can your husband come to a couple of therapy sessions with you and you and your T can gently and slowly introduce your alters? Can you ask them to come out?

If your husband is really supportive then he'll make it his business to gain and understanding. Both of you might need to try and understand from a therapist pointn of view.. I know you are very intelligent. Try to get educated from a therapist point of view, but don't tell you therapist cause they want to be needed too.

I know my husband loves me and he wants to try to understand, but he is not an emotionally perceptive person. My friend pointed out that it was probably one of the reasons I was actually attracted to him back when...at that time he was safe for us all and a huge counterbalance for our crazy emotional life.

I think he has made a big step today though in repairing some relationships. Last weekend I played for him a part of a therapy appointment in which some of the others talked about how it felt to sleep in the same room with him. I explained to him that it was the others and we are trying to figure out how/why my sleep has been so disturbed these last couple months. Of course, it hurt him and this week has been very difficult. But, yesterday evening and today he has been 100 times better and more responsive to everyone. He helped us set up a bed in the sewing room for those nights when certain alters are out or close to the front and we cannot sleep in the same room. He doesn't want this, but he is realizing that hopefully it will be temporary.

Melissa has given him points for this, so maybe a thawing...

That's wonderful. I'm glad things are getting better. Having a supportive SO is really good, it helps a lot. Imagine how good the littles will feel if he can learn to play with them and they get to experience a safe and loving father figure. I am happy for you.

I am so glad to hear of your progress! Persistence and tincture of time are paying off.

It must be so hard to acknowledge this inner conflict and act on it in a conscious way, but it is surely a sign of progress.

Interesting about the idea that your choice of husband helped you cope. I am beginning to feel that one reason I chose mine (aside from his many impressive qualities) is because he was as averse to inner experience as I was. He is a master of minimizing. It has come back to complicate my process. Yet I think he and I can grow as people and as a couple through seeing how we can learn to live harmoniously during this process of discovery and healing. I think he's up for the challenge--he just doesn't know it yet. And it seems your husband will do the same.

Nondescript wrote:Interesting about the idea that your choice of husband helped you cope. I am beginning to feel that one reason I chose mine (aside from his many impressive qualities) is because he was as averse to inner experience as I was. He is a master of minimizing. It has come back to complicate my process. Yet I think he and I can grow as people and as a couple through seeing how we can learn to live harmoniously during this process of discovery and healing. I think he's up for the challenge--he just doesn't know it yet. And it seems your husband will do the same.

When I met my husband I was running so hard and so fast away from my "mental" issues that finding someone who didn't seem fazed by emotions just seemed so comforting. It does make it a bit difficult when I actually need him to read emotions He is a good man and he is trying... the hardest part is that many of my child alters don't like him just because he is a man, and that is just going to take time. The reasons Melissa doesn't like him are complicated and go back to where we (as a system) were when we met him and life over the last 20 years. He and Melissa are going to have to eventually talk honestly and openly with each other.

I am so bad at communicating how I actually feel about things. Something my T is really trying to get me to work on... so tonight I was able to tell him what a big deal him helping me today was. It really was the first time I have felt Melissa have a positive feeling towards him and I hope he understands how important this is...

I know how it feels to be on the same end as your husband. My girlfriend became aware of her DID about 9 months ago (she is 38). She always thought she was just crazy and didn't understand why she couldn't keep a relationship. I helped her become aware and it has been a learning process for the both of us. She has 3 main alters but one is currently away for his actions and I have never met him (he is very angry and violent - physical protector). As for the other two I have learned to recognize when they are out or influencing my girlfriend. I have learned to become extremely observant for my own awareness. Her main protector did his best to get rid of me once he noticed the strong feelings my girlfriend had for me ... Default defense ... If I'm not around I can't hurt her. This is something all her alters have done to people in the past. We have since grown to like each other. He has been a huge help because he is very open and honest .. Almost too honest lol. He tells me the things my girlfriend never will which helps me understand her more.

But anyways .. Rambled on there. The best thing your husband can do is communicate with your protector and show her the respect she deserves. Not only for what she has done for you but because she is a part of you. It takes time and a lot of TRUST ... He just needs to keep at and not get discouraged because it's a process. I can say this it takes a very special person to be an SO and he has been through this much and seems willing to try. You have to understand it's not easy for us and a relationship with someone with DID is the hardest relationship to have. With lots of love and respect you guys will get better! He just needs to understand that he can't just love you but needs to love and respect all parts of you. Good luck

am4kds wrote:One day I am asking him to try to be more communicative with all my parts and work on being more emotionally expressive. Please help me, Please pay attention...that type of thing. And, the next day she is telling him to leave us alone and don't talk to us. The thing is he can't/won't recognize that this is an alter and not me.

He has a point! All alters are part of the collective you. And the collective you is sending not just mixed signals but contradictory direct expressions of what you want. It sounds like he is trying to be respectful of you collectively and not take sides. Which is frustrating indeed. It is a steep learning curve.

About a year ago I told someone to take care not to trigger one alter in a certain way. He generalized that to mean I don't want any alters to be triggered, ever. So now I feel I must have another conversation with him soon where I get into the finer details. But first I am re-thinking what are my objectives, what do I need to happen or not happen? Perhaps at this point I can let the triggers come as they may. Do I really need to control others around me?

Do you really need your husband to behave differently? Why can't Melissa come out whenever she wants to? His triggering her currently feels uncomfortable for you, the host, but other than that how is it a problem?

Una+ wrote:He has a point! All alters are part of the collective you. And the collective you is sending not just mixed signals but contradictory direct expressions of what you want. It sounds like he is trying to be respectful of you collectively and not take sides. Which is frustrating indeed. It is a steep learning curve.

Do you really need your husband to behave differently? Why can't Melissa come out whenever she wants to? His triggering her currently feels uncomfortable for you, the host, but other than that how is it a problem?

The problem is that he doesn't recognize Melissa and uses what she says against me. Yes, I understand she is a part of the whole, collective ME and that there is a certain level of responsibility for what she does/says. But, when after she confronts him the rest of us deal with several days of withdrawl and silent treatment by him while he "processes the conversation". It is upsetting. I have been trying to work on the Melissa side, but she feels she is protecting us and in particular the little ones from someone who reminds her of our parents. When I try to talk to him about it he doesn't want to recognize that Melissa has this different point of view from myself and has a difficult time separating him from our parents. It is one of the few things that makes him angry is to be compared to my family of origin, but in all honesty he does share some characteristics with them.

What I am trying to figure out is some way to make it OBVIOUS to him that he is talking to Melissa. I cannot control when Melissa comes out...and being an angry protector there are times that I wish I could. She can block me, but I cannot block her. So, if Melissa is out he can ignore her or try to converse with her...whatever. But, not to also ignore the rest of us for days because he thought the conversation he had with Melissa was with me. It hurts me and it really hurts Lo who loves him so much. Lo has become afraid of trying to interact with him because he has ignored her the last couple of times. She spends most days crying now because she wants "the daddy".