Need of aknowledgement TW (very emotional)

Hi. This is Sirpa.
I noticed that one of my alters, Karen, was feeling very down
so I asked her to start writing a diary, to help get things off her chest.

It might be helpful to know that most of the system rejects her
and views her as an intruder/enemy,
and that she's currently an (involuntary) inmate in a psych ward.

2014-08-29

I feel like crying, but have no one to turn to.
Sirpa have visited me here once, and Victor had kept me company when I was at a particular low point.
But, still... I feel alone.. and, sad, maybe?
The orderlies aren't mean, per say, just too well-meaning and thus forceful at times.
I get so many shots I can't remember my own name from time to time.
I... I spend more time in the padded room (isolation) than I do in my "real" room.
Though, it's no difference really, both of them have bars and are locked.
I rarely can go out outside in the sun.
I can't keep the voices quiet. They constantly whisper lies to me.
Earlier today Sirpa had taken me outside to the balcony
so I could get some fresh air and a smoke, and the people outside below us was talking,
only the only thing I could hear them say was "blood" and "death", even though I DO know that they weren't really saying it and that it's all in my head.
I'm used to it, but it still frightens me.
Sirpa and I watched a comedy together today for the first time.
I liked it, but dozed off right in the middle of it and couldn't wake up!
I tried to, but something prevented me from it.
I think it might be my "other side", the alter ego Kareem. She's so nasty.
I love her but at the same time, I can't stand her.
She's the reason I'm locked in and can't get out.
I feel trapped. I feel lost. I feel sad and feel angry. I feel... hurt?
It's all so painful, yet I can't make it stop.
And when it does stop, I want it. I can't help but want it so much. To feel alive. To feel real.
What's wrong with me? I don't know - there's so much wrong with me.
To be fair, I shouldn't even exist. I shouldn't HAVE to be, and yet I am, I am here.
WHY do I have to be the "enemy"? I'm not an intruder.
I don't have bad intentions - so why does the system reject me?
Why? Tell me, WHY?! I just... want to feel alive. I want to feel "real".
I want to be outside on my own accord without having Sirpa watch over me.
I want to be able to take a stroll around the block,
instead of viewing the city behind iron bars and fences.
I don't wish to see the world in black and red. I want the COLORS! Full colors.
I want to be held. I don't want people at a distance.
I don't want to be close to destroying everything I am, everything we were.
The others have so much problems on their own, they forget I exist. They don't even know me.
More like, they prefer to think that if they pretend I'm not real, I will go away.
Why can't they see that I'm just as "real" as they are?
Why can't they give me a chance? It's so painful.
Somebody, please hear my voice. Please, tell me you can hear me.
I just need confirmation.
If I wasn't real, then I wouldn't be in pain. I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't feel at all.

I wouldn't feel the pain in my arm when the orderly prick me with their stupid injections.
I wouldn't feel scared when the lights are out and I'm alone in my loneliness in the dark.
I wouldn't long for freedom. I wouldn't hate the other part of "me".
I wouldn't be able to hear auditory hallucinations.
I wouldn't long to be free. I wouldn't long for a hug, or a kind smile or comforting word.
I wouldn't long for any of that. I wouldn't feel any of that.

If I wasn't real... I wouldn't.


Right... so that's Karen's diary log.
Sorry for the angstiness, but I think she needed to get that off her chest.
She's been alone for so long with no one to talk to.
I want to help her, but I don't know how to. It's all so frustrating.

Hi. I just wanted to say that she's not alone. I've been rejected from my system too. No one but Host talks to me. Sometimes I wish I was locked up, but I can't be because I'm a main fronter. We have a mental asylum where the "bad" ones go. I wish I was "bad" enough to go too.

*** Trigger Warning ***
Sometimes I feel worse than being sad.
Sometimes I just feel like dying or cutting.
I just don't want to live.
*** End Trigger Warning ***

So she's not alone. I think our inner world might be creating a hospital for me because I can't seem to stop my habits. I'm not locked up (yet), but I know how she feels with being sad and alone.

Hello, Devyn.
Thank you for your post.
To start with, I'm sad to hear that you too are an "outcast".
You don't deserve that.

I can understand what you mean, especially in your TW,
though in my case, it's not that I'm suicidal, cus I really don't want to die,
I just can't let go of my obsessions/fantasies.
Though I think that's an influence of Kareem. Like I said, she's a nasty woman.

*****Trigger warning*****
She feels "dark" and "wrong".
It's more like she's a thought full of ill intentions instead of a real person.
She's me, but at the same time, she's not.
She's the part of me that makes me self destructive.
Even in my own room, for the nights I'm restrained to "my" bed so that "I", or rather, Kareem won't do anything stupid that could hurt the rest of the system.
*****End of trigger warning*****

So really, that I'm here in the ward, I can understand that, and I don't object it.
If I wasn't, there's no telling what would happen.
But, still, since I've never been outside of here, I was basically born in here,
I can't help but wonder what it's like to be out there in the city with the others.
And I would like to be allowed to play a game with Christy, but no one want s me to.
They won't let me, they probably doesn't trust me.


And Devyn, thank you for posting. You're the only person aside from Sirpa and Viktor that has ever talked to me.
I can't even describe how much this means to me.

I wouldn't call talking to Kareem count,
since the only thing she really does is laugh in a sinister way or telling me lies.
She simply doesn't like me that much. She just want me to suffer and... die.

Anyone who is talking to me is a good thing, I think 'cause no one in my system does. I wish I could play with our littles too. We have so many, but I'm not trusted either. I live on the edge of our inner world alone and cannot get anything from our city. I'm not allowed to go there. We have a few that are locked up that are "ill" and have bad intentions for the body and for others outside our system. Sometimes I feel like hurting other people, but I only hurt the body.

I know that feeling.
As hurtful as it is, it's good to know that I'm not alone in this,
that someone understands me and cares enough to talk to me.
Earlier today, I was back to my habits of "chewing" on my fingers/hands,
and I couldn't stop until Sirpa reminded me that it would hurt the rest of the system (though I couldn't stop until she said that it would hurt Christy).
That made me feel sad, which is why me and Sirpa watched the comedy in the first place,
so I would feel happier.

If you need a friend to talk to, you can talk to me any time, any day.
I've never had a friend before, so I might say/do something wrong, but not out of malice, simply due to inexperience.
If you would let me, that is.
I don't want to come off as pushy or needy, I just feel excited that an actual person who's not inside my head is talking to me.

Hi Karen,
Try going here:

dissociative-identity/topic147271.html

You're welcome there anytime and you wont be an outcast. It's a safe and happy place for everyone. You're always welcome to be there. If you like you can make it a happy place and keep it forever. I thing some of the other alters went, talk to them and see if they had fun.

If you want you can write a letter to Jo my 12 1/2 year old who was an out cast until earlier this week. She'd be glad to talk to you.

You're not alone. I'll be glad to talk to you any time.

Hello, firelamb.
Sorry, I don't know your name so..

Thank you for your post.
I did know about the party, but thought I wasn't wanted there.
But, I very much would like to check it out.
Um... that I don't know my age doesn't matter, right?
Apparently not only the littles are there, but also older teens and adults.
I'd prefer if I got confirmation of that before I go there.

Ok, I might send Jo a message later.
Thank you

TachiShi wrote:Hello, firelamb.
Sorry, I don't know your name so..

Thank you for your post.
I did know about the party, but thought I wasn't wanted there.
But, I very much would like to check it out.
Um... that I don't know my age doesn't matter, right?
Apparently not only the littles are there, but also older teens and adults.
I'd prefer if I got confirmation of that before I go there.

Ok, I might send Jo a message later.
Thank you

Hi there anyone is welcome to firelamb's party. Age doesn't matter. We had an alter in our system that wasn't welcome at first by me. Being the protector, I freaked out when another alter came forward. I'm slowly adjusting to having him be a part of the system but I feel like we can work things out and maybe the alters in your system can work something out as well. I hope everything works out and welcome to the forum

Hello, Cynthia.
Thank you for your post.
I will go there, and try to interact with the others.

Well, the problem was/is that the others doesn't seem to accept me,
though they don't think poorly of me it seems.
I think it may be because Zoe, the guardian of the system, keeps us away most of the time.
It doesn't perceive me as a threat, and neither thinks good nor bad about me,
but it doesn't like the other me, Kareem.
So, it keeps her closed off and (by default) me.
The others... I'm unsure of, though Viktor has been kind and Sirpa even kinder.
A while ago, Sirpa gave me a sketchbook so I could draw whatever I like, whenever I like.
That was very sweet of her. I do like to draw. A lot, actually.
I think that's the only true (and healthy) passion I have at the moment.

TachiShi wrote:Hello, Cynthia.
Thank you for your post.
I will go there, and try to interact with the others.

Well, the problem was/is that the others doesn't seem to accept me,
though they don't think poorly of me it seems.
I think it may be because Zoe, the guardian of the system, keeps us away most of the time.
It doesn't perceive me as a threat, and neither thinks good nor bad about me,
but it doesn't like the other me, Kareem.
So, it keeps her closed off and (by default) me.
The others... I'm unsure of, though Viktor has been kind and Sirpa even kinder.
A while ago, Sirpa gave me a sketchbook so I could draw whatever I like, whenever I like.
That was very sweet of her. I do like to draw. A lot, actually.
I think that's the only true (and healthy) passion I have at the moment.

That was very nice of her. I like to draw as well I wanted to post some of my art in the thread for it, but the picture was too big to do so. What do you like to draw? I like to draw wildlife.