How long can an alter be in control?

My wife has DID and has been gone (mentally) since March. One of her alters has been in control for the bulk of the time, but she says there's no trace of my wife anymore.

An alter can be in control for an indefinite amount of time. It depends on the state of the system. There are some cases where another alter takes over as host since host needs to rest from stress.

For us, the longest time for one alter to front exclusively was ~2 years (Sonja).

johne wrote:My wife has DID and has been gone (mentally) since March. One of her alters has been in control for the bulk of the time, but she says there's no trace of my wife anymore.

Hi Johne,

From having a relationship with someone who also has DID, I've understood some things that I want to share with you. Maybe you already know them.

The one you consider you wife (the one you say is gone) is also an alter, and all of them make the whole person that makes your wife. I'm still no certain on how to feel about wether all alters' person are in a relationship with the SO or not. Because, yeah, maybe the decision was made by just one alter.

I've been trying to understand what does it mean when an alter is gone. It was one of the things that terrified me before entering a relationship with this guy I loved who has DID. After much reading, and trying to understand; and even after the relationship ending, I understood, that him, as a being, was never gone. There was always someone: the one who felt himself in a relationship with me, or his female alter, or his gay alter, or any of the others. So, he was never gone. However, the part of him, the one I fell initially in love with, was gone every now and then. And it was painful.

I would also wonder how long would he be gone? How much would I miss him. But then again, he was "never" gone. So, one thing I did, suggested here, was try to court them all. I wanted to get to know and love all of him.

How to understand the fact that one of her alters says the other one is missing? For me to understand it, I've compared it to when we leave our child side behind because we start learning new ways of seeing life, and we continue. And also I compare it to our angry side that just comes out on certain occasions, or our free spirit side, which is trigger by certain people or certain environments. Obviously, DID is much more than that, and has deeper roots, but that's what I used to understand it.

One of the things I read, that I remember a lot, is an article that mentions that therapists talk to the alters that don't feel they are parenting. In those very specific cases, I realized that yeah, the person was the parent of said child, even though some parts of them didn't feel a parent, and the whole person should make sure to put a reliable alter in charge, to protect their child. And I think it's similar with someone who doesn't have DID. Some people experience them selves more as a friends of their kids, other times, specially when the new born is born, they are very protective with the baby, etc.

I've also read here in the forum, that when alters want different things their selves are in conflict with one another. Like for example, when someone feels attracted to another person, yet a part of themselves is against the relationship. A conflict within.

None of this is made consciously or in purpose, it's a coping mechanism. As other people use other ways to cope. Again, there are very specific and important reasons for this to happen. It's a survival and protective mechanism.

But, I guess, I wanted to tell you that your wife is not gone; a part of her is.

I hope you and all of the sides of your wife are finding new ways for continue building the relationship you have.

Sea

johne wrote:My wife has DID and has been gone (mentally) since March. One of her alters has been in control for the bulk of the time, but she says there's no trace of my wife anymore.

Just realized in therapy today I had one last about 7 months or so. We were doing EMDR on a target that was when I was nearly killed by a shotgun blast by a drunken friend. It missed me by inches, got a lot of stuff imbedded in my head, face, and shoulders. There was a hole in the wall inches from where I was standing. It blew a hole completely through the wall. I remember going to the hospital but not leaving or the next 7 months. Don't know how I lived, where I worked, where I went. I was staying with the girl who almost shot me, I had no where else to go. My T said someone strong took over for you and took care of you. I was completely gone. I hope I find the one who took care of me so I can find out what happened.

That's the closest I can come to the length of lost time and not being in executive control.