Frustrated

This has been a really frustrating day. I am sooooo worried about money and not working, and yet, it makes me want to vomit to even think bout doing any sort of Nursing right now. I probably won't even get disability, so I don't even know why I'm trying. I put on such a "Good Face" no one can ever see how rotten I feel..or how much pain I'm in........it's a instinctive habit I wish I could break. I don't know how.

When I had cancer last year, the only thing people noticed was that I was losing weight. Sigh I kept telling my daughter there was something wrong, but she just thought I was having constant panic attacks, which I was because in my heart I knew something was wrong.

I don't know what to do with myself at home....I mean I have been doing things for the attorney's in prep for the disability thing, cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping, but I still have free time. I'mnot used to haing time to go to the bathroom for 8 and 1/2 hours when I work,let alone eat a lunch.

I can't relax. I still don't sleep and that scares me...I don't want to end up psychotic again. My insiders seem to be very vocal and active today for some reason....I',m trying to hush the internal stupidity, but not much works right now

I see the Nurse Practitioner tomorrow (which is also my B-Day...whhhooobooo Maybe something can be done with my medicine. I doubt it.

It just feels hopeless, and that nothing is going to turn out right. It doesn't seem like anything does. I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive things in life, and I know there are positive things...I mean, I', above ground and all, but some days, the sun isn't shinning in my head AT ALL.

The mood swings KILL me and I don't know if I want to laugh or cry one minute to the next....My head and back hurt, the new medicine they gave me for seizures has blurred my vision, and I just totally feel like crap! OK..... I will allow myself 10 minutes to feel like crap, and then I will get up, and get moving doing something...anything.

I will seal this money issue up in a box......nothing that I haven't already done today is going to land me any money so there's nothing to do about it. I want to be able to sleep like a normal person, not have horrid mood swings, and not be one rent check away from living on the streets with my kids. I feel like a hamster on a wheel running as fast as it can and getting nowhere. Sigh...I guess that's it.....if anyone is listening...thanks
~Holly~

How about doing some self care? Treat yourself! What is pampering for you? Manicure and pedicure? Bubble bath? Take a nap? Go for a walk? Call a friend? Meet up with someone for a coffee or lunch? Read a novel or watch a movie?