Where am I?

I am at 'home', back at home with the parents, a foreshadow of what is to come; no J. But where am I? I am writing through a fog, talking through a wall, through somebody else (? I can't even tell who's fronting. I am feeling strongly, but am not in the body..). Numb. miserable. spacey. should maybe start taking my anti-depressants tomorrow, if I wake up this way… What the ###$ was I thinking?? Move back in with the parents?? What was I thinking? There was good reason to move out as soon as we could! (We were too sick for so long, so it was only a few years ago).

We are back at the parents' house. J won't be back for a week. I cannot be grounded without her. Who am I without her? where did I go? Who was 'I' before? Sonja? Niva? who was I? I was good, I was OK. Life was good. Life is precious with J, but without her I am a mess. I will be a mess. I miss her. I will miss her so much … I feel so lonely. I miss the ones who've integrated. Our lives were a mess, but we managed I think? No, we didn't. barely. not used to feeling alone.

You are in the body, fronting. You are just dissociating.

Then I need to ground. I am so tired. I am miserable though. intensely. I rarely feel worse than little n, but i do now. Nobody to lean on.. So I write.

Nothing lasts forever…

hi. Sorry you are going through this. I felt some of what you have described when I was going through a very difficult time. How are you doing now? Thinking of you - xoxo

She is well enough. Functional. Though, evidently, at this time, not functional enough to front. She is depressed; she is taking welbutrin again for that. She is seeing her psychiatrist/T tomorrow; maybe he'll increase the dose. n is still doing better than N is, which is unusual, but I am not perturbed. I presume this to be transient. If she's not doing better when J is back then I will be concerned. In J's absence we are finally getting things done, but I digress…