Double Memories

Something else I am wondering if others have experienced..

During my early and mid teen years, when I look back and try to remember, my timeline is really messed up. Some things try to fit in the same space, which they can't (or at least I perceive that they can't) on the timeline, and some things I simply can't put in a chronological order.

In some cases, I have to wonder if some of my memories are just outright fake, although I don't understand how that could have happened, or why.

My 14th year of life is probably the best example.

One version of this year I have is one that was rather happy, with many friends, doing great in school and so on.

The other version is that everything was going to hell in a basket due to some really terrible stuff going on at home. Sometimes I wouldn't even go to school because I was up until 4AM taking care of my mother.

But these two version are very separate in my mind, like they could not have been the same year. I was falling apart mentally and emotionally, yet I was also happy, social and vibrant. It makes no sense.

During this year I also 'dated' (as much as 14-year-olds can actually date) a neighbor boy my age, will call him Todd. I made a friend when I was 13, will call her Jane. But I met Jane before I met Todd. But after I met and started dating Todd, I didn't have any other friends, until I met Jane, and when I was friends with Jane, I was not dating Todd. I have no memories of Todd and Jane ever being aware that the other existed, but I would have told Jane about Todd, because Jane and I talked about everything.

So after all these memories during my early teens have been all jumbled up really badly, I get a total blank spot, like I was just suddenly gone. I had a mental breakdown that I do not remember (I was simply told about it) and removed from high school early in my freshman year (so I had recently turned 15) and I have no memories of ever returning to finished the school year. But I must have, because my memories pick back up again when I started my sophomore year.

At which point, Todd was in juvenile detention, and Jane acted like she didn't know me. I was mostly just relieved that Todd and Jane were at least real people.

So part of me wonders, if my brain has ever created memories in order to fill in blanks like that. But if I started getting any lost memories back, then could they clash with the fake memories, to create a sort of "double memory" issue? Is what I have wondered.

Has anyone else had a "double memory" experience?

Hi CopperMoon. I've never had the double memory thing, but I do experience problems with my memory. My memory is also a jumbled mess with a lot of blank spaces. I feel like my brain, in a desperate attempt to remember what goes there, created false memories to fill the gap. I noticed that I have huge memory gaps in the seventh and eighth grade when I went to a school that I hated and was bullied in. I first noticed the memory problems in the 9th grade when I was taking a class placement exam and realized I could not remember a thing I had learned at the school I hated. I knew I had been taught the material, but could not remember at all. Recently, my brother has told me of conversations that I've had with him but I don't remember until he brings it up. When he does, it feels like the memory isn't mine and that I have no connection to it, kinda like someone's giving me the information to use for the conversation.

Oh yeah even after all these years of being aware of the DID, and all of us semi- working together we still can't really piece some pieces of past together properly and we still have situations of which we think that it can't have happened simultaneously even though evidently it did. None of them are fake though, they're just different perspectives. J might have been happy and socially involved but it still can be possible that other J was sad and lonely at the same time. It just means that we had (have) more than one host active during the same time-frame.

Hi there. All you describe CopperMoon seems normal I'm guessing for DID. I have a bit of it myself as high school days were the most chaotic, as I have three or so active parts carrying on separate lives during high school. I had a boyfriend and a girlfriend? Didn't seem like it was concurrent but it was... I had a good girl part making straight As headed for college. I had a hippie type part hanging with kids doing drugs. I had a sporty part playing high school sports. All these memories are a jumbled up mess totally out of chronological order. And to make it even more complicated I had two separate lives interacting with my parents. One interacting with my mom & stepdad where I lived and another interacting with my dad when I visited his family. My parents even called me different names!!!? It all feels really double when I look back and try to make a timeline, though the memories are not overlapping, it's more like different paths. One life with my mom then one life with my dad but the mom life had multiple paths but the dad life mainly one path. All that complicated by moving around a lot and changing schools several times. When I went to college and escaped my family, things calmed down and solidified a bit. I needed fewer parts to deal with life though college memories are a bit skewed as well. I may have some of those fake memories thrown in the mix also as an attempt to make sense of everything.

I have a lot of incidents where I recall not knowing some details and filling in what I assumed "must have happened." Then what I filled in became part of the narrative memory. When there were weird little gaps or logic anomalies, my mind would add just enough detail that the narrative made some sense, always pointing away from anything traumatic.

At work, I've prided myself on good attendance (except one 4-month short term disability for depression) and thought it was an old habit. Last year I saw my high school transcript and I was out 16 days each junior and senior year. I was dumbfounded, no recollection of that. That's actually a gap of knowledge (my attendance in high school) filled in with what seemed a logical assumption.

Yes, we've experienced that. Certain parts have positive memories of different times, others have negative and others have mixed. It seems to depend on their function and personalities. The young ones can remember trauma and problems very clearly but maintain a lot of optimism and trust in the world, so they'd say any time we lived through was mostly good or all good. The protector would see everything we've ever been through as negative and fraught with danger, even if we'd won the lottery.

There are also a lot of holes. Trying to piece together memories is like trying to do a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle blindfolded.

"One version of this year I have is one that was rather happy, with many friends, doing great in school and so on.

The other version is that everything was going to hell in a basket due to some really terrible stuff going on at home. Sometimes I wouldn't even go to school because I was up until 4AM taking care of my mother."

*Trigger Warning*

Hi, I'm Holly,
My younger brother and I did this all of the time, as we were being abused by my older brother. I think it's the brains way of coping...we told ourselves and each other time and time again that we were happy, and noting was wrong, while we both were tortured daily by my older brother. We wanted it to be our reality, and for some strange reason..it helped us keep going. I remember the exact day, once when my younger brother and I were adults, and we were talking about our childhood. we both looked at each other and said almost simultaneously "Why the hell did we used to say that?"
I think it was just a way to practice appearances that abused kids do to survive in the world.
~Holly~

I am struggling with this right now. I can't get my time line straight for high school. I'm seeing pictures, scenes in my mind that I don't believe can be true. I don't know why they are there. Did I make it up?

All of my 20's are messed up. I have some memories but can't place anything in time that fits. Nothing seems right.

The only memory I have of 8th grade was president Reagan got shot and then suddenly we were living in an apartment instead of the house. That's it.

I know I started SI when I was 15, but don't know why. This was early 80's and SI wasn't known so I kept it hidden until it healed. I thought I was so messed up, no hope. Couldn't remember most of my childhood.

How do we fill in the blanks so we don't feel empty? Do we make things up to fill the holes, or are do we start remembering things we can't believe? How do we tell the difference?

firelamb67 wrote:I am struggling with this right now. I can't get my time line straight for high school. I'm seeing pictures, scenes in my mind that I don't believe can be true. I don't know why they are there. Did I make it up?

All of my 20's are messed up. I have some memories but can't place anything in time that fits. Nothing seems right.

The only memory I have of 8th grade was president Reagan got shot and then suddenly we were living in an apartment instead of the house. That's it.

I know I started SI when I was 15, but don't know why. This was early 80's and SI wasn't known so I kept it hidden until it healed. I thought I was so messed up, no hope. Couldn't remember most of my childhood.

How do we fill in the blanks so we don't feel empty? Do we make things up to fill the holes, or are do we start remembering things we can't believe? How do we tell the difference?

I also have a lot of holes in my memory or places where gaps were filled in. The only way I've been able to tell the made up memories from the real ones is someone will confirm or deny the memory if I tell them about it. I feel like my brain has filled in a lot of the blanks with false memories and there's one in particular that I think is fake but I can't tell. It's really confusing and frustrating but at the same time, I'm afraid to find out what the fake memories are hiding.

I don't want to know anymore, like you, I don't want to know what's lurking. Little things keep popping up though and they're disturbing to me. They need to stop and give me a break and process these things.

I once asked my T, "perception is reality right?" She said, "yes." Then I said, "well then I perceive such and such didn't happen, so it never happened, and that's my perception now." Then she said, "but you can't stop thinking about can you?" Ugh. Thought I was being clever but she was right. (I know I said this before, sorry for the repeat).