What's going on? Please help.

I'm pretty confused about what's going on, so I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts to share on this. Everything is appreciated, so anything you can think of, okay? I'd be happy if you would share your own experiences, because it helps me to see if what I'm experiencing is "normal"... so that I'm not alone, you know? Anyway, here we go.

When I feel like there's someone else, another alter, with me, it's like I get their body language and voice. Like the other day, I was riding the train with a friend of mine who knows about us. When the train stopped and went off, a child part was with me. It's a weird feeling because it feels like I'm pretending to be someone else, like I'm in a play or something... I feel like myself, like that I control my body, but still my body isn't doing what it usually does (it has another body language and my voice isn't really "mine" - it's a child's one). It's like I'm in control of everything but there's another alter behaving like themselves... or something. Does this make sense?

It has happend with T too. The last time I was there, she asked me about the system, and about one of the littles, and when I was talking about one of the littles, all of sudden her voice and body language was there... I still felt like "I" was there, but still "I" had changed my body language and voice to the child alter's... it's just a bit confusing as I still feel like I'm "me", in control and everything, but that these other alters makes such a big difference in the way I/we behave.

I hope I explained this good enough for you to understand. If not, feel free to ask me and I'll do my best to clarify it.

The host

Hi. I also feel this way too. I notice it a lot when I'm at work and I'm given a job to do, like someone else wants to do what's been asked of me. It will also feel like my surroundings become smaller or bigger depending on who's out at the time.

What you describe may have a range of explanations but it has happened to me often. It seems your dissociative barriers are breaking down and that is good. You're experiencing a sort of blend of parts maybe, certainly a real closeness.

We'll have a situation where one of us will be out but we're overlapping with someone else. The most obvious to understand is when a little has been out and they'll go back inside, perhaps reluctantly. So the little is still around, really close, and words or movements are close to their or are theirs yet I still feel like I'm up front. Or it might be hard to tell who is. I consider this a very good thing because we can go about doing something -- a household task like wiping the counter -- but we're doing it together almost. I feel a littleness, a specific alter's brand of littleness, but the intention is that of an adult, me. Almost like I might put my hand on top of that of a child so they can feel the right movement to wipe a counter.

What you describe may just be that you are co-conscious with them. They're in front but you're really close inside and influencing them, so close it feels like you're out. For some (many?) people with DID, co-conscious starts out with an alter in front with another being aware of what's going on but feeling foggy, like watching someone else but from a drugged or a groggy state. As you become more co-conscious, the fogginess goes away and almost everything that happens is recallable by whoever was inside but very close.

Each of us has a particular set of characteristic actions -- how we hold the body, the tone and quality of the voice, a particular gait, the degree of manual dexterity. Any of their traits may flow in to affect how I do things if someone else is very near. It seems they're all similarly affected by my traits. I read about DDNOS where parts and identities are not quite so distinct as with DID. The switching is less abrupt, smoother like sliding. This is how it is for us now and for our ward, NicS, also on this board. This is a good thing as it means the dissociate barriers are lowering.

Thanks for sharing, Viola!
Feels good to know that we're not alone.

-- Sat Aug 16, 2014 12:13 pm --

Johnny-Jack wrote:What you describe may just be that you are co-conscious with them. They're in front but you're really close inside and influencing them, so close it feels like you're out. For some (many?) people with DID, co-conscious starts out with an alter in front with another being aware of what's going on but feeling foggy, like watching someone else but from a drugged or a groggy state. As you become more co-conscious, the fogginess goes away and almost everything that happens is recallable by whoever was inside but very close.

So you're saying that maybe I'm not really "out", but more on the inside and influencing the alter that's out? And as you say, being so close so that it feels like I'm the one out.

My friend who knows about us being multiple knows that I'm (the host) is still there although there's another alter out. She keeps talking to the host, talking about whoever is out (like, "what is the little feeling about this?" etc), and it kind of annoys the alters (at least this little that this happened to the other day). She (the little I'm talking about) would like our friend to speak to hear instead of me, the host, as she feels like she's the one being out. And I guess, after reading what you wrote, that she very much could be? Just that I'm very close on the inside. Should I talk to my friend about this, you think?

Johnny-Jack wrote:Each of us has a particular set of characteristic actions -- how we hold the body, the tone and quality of the voice, a particular gait, the degree of manual dexterity. Any of their traits may flow in to affect how I do things if someone else is very near. It seems they're all similarly affected by my traits. I read about DDNOS where parts and identities are not quite so distinct as with DID. The switching is less abrupt, smoother like sliding. This is how it is for us now and for our ward, NicS, also on this board. This is a good thing as it means the dissociate barriers are lowering.

Great to know. We also have different sets of characteristic actions, so we can relate. I guess we're leaning more towards DDNOS then, the switching being less abrupt and hings are more "sliding".

In all, your reply was (is) very helpful for us! We're really happy that you took your time to write as it has given us a lot of info that we didn't know before. It feels like a relief knowing that another alter could actually be out and that I, the host, is just very close but on the inside.

My T says co-conscious is the goal for me. Haven't gotten there. I just don't know how i'd work that way. I'm sure in time i'll understand it better. I know what it means and what it is, but i'd never want to be co-conscious with sexy, she misbehaves too much right now.

Little wrote:She (the little I'm talking about) would like our friend to speak to her instead of me, the host, as she feels like she's the one being out. And I guess, after reading what you wrote, that she very much could be? Just that I'm very close on the inside. Should I talk to my friend about this, you think?

Yes, definitely. The T cannot be the one who decides what parts of the patient interact with her. You or insurance is paying the T for her time, she's not paying you! Her approach is bogus, as if the therapist were to tell their client "you can talk to me about anything except your mother screaming at you for no reason. You get upset and different when you remember those things. I liked working with you when you were just talking about being sad and depressed. I can handle that. Let's go back to that." Even if she were to claim that not getting emotional were somehow better for you, the "right thing to do," as a therapist, she's just wrong.

For those of you whose therapists tell you they only want to talk to the host, or they say they don't want to talk to the alters, I would urge you to use this or a similar explanation. The bottom line is that the therapist must not control what the client communicates. Alters are all part of the client and simply must be heard for therapy to work. The resentment from alters and their anger at not being heard is justified and as awareness of the stifled communication becomes obvious, it becomes the host's mistake for remaining with such a therapist without forcing a change, either in the therapy or in the therapist.

Little wrote:Great to know. We also have different sets of characteristic actions, so we can relate. I guess we're leaning more towards DDNOS then, the switching being less abrupt and hings are more "sliding".

I just wanted to clarify that I had and still have DID, it's just that the switching and mutual influence among parts has evolved to something like I hear about from those with the DDNOS diagnosis. It seems this evolution happens with a lot of others with DID.

If I helped a bit, you're welcome. Much of what I know I've picked up is from the many, many others here sharing their experiences over the years.

firelamb67 wrote:My T says co-conscious is the goal for me. Haven't gotten there. I just don't know how i'd work that way. I'm sure in time i'll understand it better. I know what it means and what it is, but i'd never want to be co-conscious with sexy, she misbehaves too much right now.

Thanks for sharing!

-- Mon Aug 18, 2014 1:40 pm --

Johnny-Jack wrote:Yes, definitely. The T cannot be the one who decides what parts of the patient interact with her. You or insurance is paying the T for her time, she's not paying you! Her approach is bogus, as if the therapist were to tell their client "you can talk to me about anything except your mother screaming at you for no reason. You get upset and different when you remember those things. I liked working with you when you were just talking about being sad and depressed. I can handle that. Let's go back to that." Even if she were to claim that not getting emotional were somehow better for you, the "right thing to do," as a therapist, she's just wrong.

For those of you whose therapists tell you they only want to talk to the host, or they say they don't want to talk to the alters, I would urge you to use this or a similar explanation. The bottom line is that the therapist must not control what the client communicates. Alters are all part of the client and simply must be heard for therapy to work. The resentment from alters and their anger at not being heard is justified and as awareness of the stifled communication becomes obvious, it becomes the host's mistake for remaining with such a therapist without forcing a change, either in the therapy or in the therapist.

Thanks for writing all of this. Now that I think about it, of course we all wants to be seen as we are, you know? It's no strange that my other alters would like to be adressed as themselves and not as me (the host).

I haven't worked much with my T yet, but so far we've gone through the different alters. She's interesting in them and I don't think she's one of the Ts who would want to talk only to me. Although she asked me last time what goal we would like to have, but this whole goal thing is stressful for us so we'll tell her next time we see her that we'd rather not have a goal, but would just like to talk.

Johhny-Jack wrote:I just wanted to clarify that I had and still have DID, it's just that the switching and mutual influence among parts has evolved to something like I hear about from those with the DDNOS diagnosis. It seems this evolution happens with a lot of others with DID.

What evolution are you talking about? English isn't my first language so sometimes when people use complicated words it's a bit hard for me to understand all of it.