Smooth superficial functioning / keeping up appearances

ALEX: Prior to diagnosis, my memory and symptoms were getting worse for a couple of years, and I think the main way I held things together was by a set of rules I made for myself, about what must be accomplished, what normal people do'/think/feel, etc. Now I know I (we) were not normal for non-DID people, but just pretending, basically. Life is about living, and doing what needs to be done, and going through the journey. I comprehend that this is part of our story. I get that all these mental gymnastics were both necessary to live and at the same time in the way of living.

But there is another part of me who is so devastated by this reality that s/he cannot bear to be seen in public, feels ashamed and as though she has been pretending to be who "we" are and is not genuine.

Unnamed: I am that part. I feel so strange being with other people now, or even by myself. I don't know what is "me" and what is not me. I used to say, if it's my body doing it, it's me doing it. Which is true in one way, the typical kind of sanity. But if you have DID and think that way, it's denial. I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore. I am afraid of who I might be with other people. I always had this sense that I was acting as if things were all right, and always in my head was this sense of, "they don't know the truth about me, and that's as it has to be," and I know that is a common feeling for people to have. I didn't know the truth was this! Thanks to other people on this forum for helping me understand these feelings are pretty typical for someone newly diagnosed.

I know now that I am very weak, but other parts of me are strong in being able to cope with life. When the coping parts are not around, I don't function well, and I feel afraid or strange in other ways. But then sometimes I don't know where the fear comes from. I used to think I just had an anxiety disorder but now it seems this free floating anxiety comes at times from other parts of me who are afraid of all kinds of things. Is this all I am, a pitiful and confused person overwhelmed by mysterious influences from inside and from life? How do I have any value?

ALEX: I know it is painful for you, but you are important. Your value is in your flexibility, it seems. You have more capacity to find things out than I do. You think you are lost without me, but I am equally lost without you. If you weren't there, we couldn't orchestrate our smooth presence.

We don't really know how it works but unnamed seems important for keeping us looking unified.

Now I wonder if I should post this. Maybe I will, in case others can relate or give us hints on how things might work.

I don't know weither this will help or not but I can give it a try.

We have parts within us who are like this too, those who are able to function outside, inside or both.
All of us are able to play the outside personality we've created and those who are outside are usually the ones who have a similair personality with some differences, but just enough to disguise.
Those within usually have personalities that doesn't match the created personality at all which makes it harder or at least more akward to play it out and feel natural.
Becouse of that akward and wrong feeling they rather stay inside and observe the situation while making suggestions on what the ones outside do than going out and risk to do something ''wrong'' (which is actually being themselves since their personality don't match the made one).

I don't know if this makes sense for you all but I do know that the ones inside really help us to stay ballanced and keep or emotions in check (they are able to absorb and influence the outsiders feelings in a way that helps outsiders regain control in any given situation).

Unnamed, it could be that you are such an insider and that you unwilligly absorb the others anxiety which is great for them but not so great for you (and that is an huge understatment).
As an outsider I have no clue about dealing with emotions ,sorry ,but if one of my insiders deems it safe enough to be out I'll send them here to see if they have any tips for you.

Like I said before ,I'm not sure if this is any help but this is as far as I can get, sorry if this makes no sense.

Thirteen

Nondescript,

I hope that I make sense. I've had several really bad days and was not out much today.

Nondescript wrote:I know now that I am very weak, but other parts of me are strong in being able to cope with life. When the coping parts are not around, I don't function well, and I feel afraid or strange in other ways. But then sometimes I don't know where the fear comes from. I used to think I just had an anxiety disorder but now it seems this free floating anxiety comes at times from other parts of me who are afraid of all kinds of things. Is this all I am, a pitiful and confused person overwhelmed by mysterious influences from inside and from life? How do I have any value?

This is me. I call myself the chameleon, always able to change to whatever the situation is or demanded. But not real...you know what I mean?

Lately, my life feels like the story "The Emperor's New Clothes". I am the emperor walking down the street, naked to everybody. The anxiety has built and built since the truth became apparent. It was like once one person knew, I just knew that everybody could tell. I cannot do stores, especially grocery stores as they create anxiety attacks so bad that I have a lot of dissociative symptoms. I was avoiding everybody, including my own family. But, over the last couple of weeks things were getting better. I was "allowing" more fluid switching with parts that can better handle certain situations. The turning point was when they reminded me that they had always been doing these jobs, I was the only one aware of the fact now and just making it harder.

My current difficulties are from a particular part and it has been really bad, yet other parts have stepped up and helped. I have still been able to get the kids where they need to be, and except for some noticing I've been "down" moodwise, to most people I appear as functioning well. Of course they don't realize that right now that 2 hours of being "on" results in 2 or more hours of recuperation.

Everybody is important to the system. I don't go out. My job is to stay inside and keep things running as well as I can in here. But, I am also the one who can step away from the emotions and look at things logically. Amy is emotionally sensitive to others, a real people-pleaser to the point she becomes unable of taking care of herself. We have to have Melissa to balance her. Melissa has energy, a good read of other's character and a strong-sense of self-preservation. But, Melissa has difficulty getting along with people (obvious reasons). Amy has always known about us, but hasn't accepted it since she was 18 and was hospitalized after mentioning Melissa to a certain therapist. The last few months have been a difficult adjustment as Amy has "rediscovered" us and more. Accepting that she really is no different than she was 6 months ago, she just knows more, will be huge for the whole system when it happens.

Unnamed,
that free-floating anxiety that you describe I also have. It doesn't seem to bother the others. It happens a lot when I get triggered or really stressed. Sometimes when one of the other parts wants to switch out and I won't let him/her. Letting switches happen has helped. I also take a beta-blocker as needed for anxiety. I don't like taking medications and really avoid them like the plague, but this one helps me and also helps those migraines that have bothered me for years.

I hope my rambling helps.

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. It took me some time to really address this topic in myself after it was posted. Both of your responses were interesting and helpful to me.

Thirteen, thank you for writing.

Iluranai wrote:We have parts within us who are like this too, those who are able to function outside, inside or both.
All of us are able to play the outside personality we've created and those who are outside are usually the ones who have a similair personality with some differences, but just enough to disguise.
Those within usually have personalities that doesn't match the created personality at all which makes it harder or at least more akward to play it out and feel natural.
Becouse of that akward and wrong feeling they rather stay inside and observe the situation while making suggestions on what the ones outside do than going out and risk to do something ''wrong'' (which is actually being themselves since their personality don't match the made one).

This is amazing. I guess this is what I do, too. As I am meeting other alters who have concerns to be addressed, I am running up against our internal prohibitions against acting outside of our norm in any regular occasion. It is hard for me to "allow" it even if I say I want to, for example, in therapy.

Iluranai wrote:I don't know if this makes sense for you all but I do know that the ones inside really help us to stay ballanced and keep or emotions in check (they are able to absorb and influence the outsiders feelings in a way that helps outsiders regain control in any given situation).

This didn't occur to me, but it makes sense in the context of the theory of structural dissociation and the ANP/EP terminology. I wonder if I do work in this way you describe.

Thanks again. If any insiders do have tips, that would be great. Unnamed is not available to post right now but s/he would probably appreciate any input.

I want to speak to the current feeling of complete exposure and intense shame. Now you know this disturbing information about yourself and it feels like everyone else knows too. Of course, because in hindsight it is obvious, right? No. Did everyone else know all along? Did everyone see? No, they didn't. And even now if you tell others your diagnosis most of them still won't see it when you switch right in front of them.

The feeling of being exposed and vulnerable will pass! Your insiders who have been there all along are still there and you all can still carry on as before, once the current high anxiety dies down. Which it will. And then your functioning will get better than it has ever been before.

am4kds wrote:
Everybody is important to the system. I don't go out. My job is to stay inside and keep things running as well as I can in here. But, I am also the one who can step away from the emotions and look at things logically. Amy is emotionally sensitive to others, a real people-pleaser to the point she becomes unable of taking care of herself. We have to have Melissa to balance her. Melissa has energy, a good read of other's character and a strong-sense of self-preservation. But, Melissa has difficulty getting along with people (obvious reasons). Amy has always known about us, but hasn't accepted it since she was 18 and was hospitalized after mentioning Melissa to a certain therapist. The last few months have been a difficult adjustment as Amy has "rediscovered" us and more. Accepting that she really is no different than she was 6 months ago, she just knows more, will be huge for the whole system when it happens.

Bryan, this is really interesting. Your intricate understanding of your system's dynamics is inspiring. I don't know all the rules of how we work yet. I hope I will get there soon.

Many of the fronting parts became aware of the situation during the teen years. After a disastrous experience with psychiatric intervention, followed by a negative experience with an online mentor who taught me much about life as a "multiple," most of my parts went underground and/or unaware in various ways. I have no idea why this awakening started now. I thought it was due to watching some stressful movies, but it seems that one of the parts may have orchestrated this. It may even have been in the works for months.

I have been trying to help Unnamed (who feels unable to name him/herself) feel secure, knowing that s/he has a caretaker in me and is not alone. But at times s/he disappears and I don't know where s/he goes. S/he is important but I don't fully understand why. It's still very confusing. I don't know who is here yet, but I am becoming more aware as time passes.

I will let Unnamed or someone in that vein reply to Amy when s/he returns. Thanks for your input, too, Amy. I know it's been a while ago and I hope you're all doing well now.

Una+ wrote:The feeling of being exposed and vulnerable will pass! Your insiders who have been there all along are still there and you all can still carry on as before, once the current high anxiety dies down. Which it will. And then your functioning will get better than it has ever been before.

Thanks for your words of experience, logic and wisdom. It's funny, back before this awakening, I had started dealing with my gender issues in therapy. I am male in a female body, but Unnamed changes gender, it seems, according to who is influencing him/her. S/he kept saying, sometimes I feel like male definitely, sometimes like in between, and sometimes female.

One of the things that helped me come to terms with my gender predicament long ago was the realization that, no matter how male I might act (and to be honest, I am not extremely stereotypically masculine after a lifetime of trying hard to "pass" as a woman), no one would ever guess that I am male. And since having children and dragging them all over the place breastfeeding and in slings and such, no one has ever questioned my heterosexual femaleness. It's funny to me because I often feel like it is so painfully obvious that I am mismatched in this body. On the playground. With all the other moms. "Mothering" the kids. But it's just a feeling.

It makes sense that the same thing is true about moodiness or flightiness or even not recognizing people. No one would jump to the conclusion that I have dissociative identity disorder. Rather, they'd think I'm a sleep deprived mother having an off day. While the thought of being identified as individuals instead of as a unified entity is still very unappealing to me, I know what you're saying is right.

One last thought, from another, it is so exciting to think of how great life could be if we could have all our skills and abilities and awareness available all the time! Thanks for the reminder! p.s. This might sound funny, but I heart Alex who wrote the rest of this post. You are so sweet for all you do.

I think it depends on the persona running the show, as far as how well I do with keeping up a normal appearance for others.

One thing I've never been able to help but notice is that my family (the relatives I still keep in touch with, at least) have always seemed to regard me with wariness, doubt and concern. Years ago I realized it was painful for me to be around my relatives because I could tell they were unsure of me all the time and like they didn't take anything I ever said seriously, as though everything could change at any moment and like they expected just that. For a long time I think it's fair to say I had a 'persecution complex' because to me it seemed like their attitudes were for no reason. But during phases like now, I am better able to recall and analyze my life, and I can understand why they would feel that way.

I rarely keep close relationships or forge long-lasting ones. I guess once someone has been around me and close to me long enough, things start to get really weird. So I guess I passively developed the habit of not bothering, and also distanced myself quite a bit from relatives.

Instead I've developed an amazing knack for coming up with rational-sounding explanations for all sorts of things on the spot. I've learned how to figure out what is going on with another persona enough to explain them to someone else, but as though I am speaking for myself. There was a day last year when I came home from work, went to my room and opened the door, and was horrified and disgusted to see how filthy it was. I was shocked and mortified and spent half the night cleaning it. It actually smelled, but I had never even noticed the smell until I had come home that night. The next day I apologized to my then-roommate and explained that I had been very depressed but that I was getting help, getting better and wouldn't let that happen again. But in my mind I was thinking that she had been very depressed and wondering how I could actually make sure that didn't happen again.

Keeping up appearances is pretty hard sometimes.

CopperMoon wrote:Instead I've developed an amazing knack for coming up with rational-sounding explanations for all sorts of things on the spot. I've learned how to figure out what is going on with another persona enough to explain them to someone else, but as though I am speaking for myself

I relate completely to what you've written. I make up convincing "stories" on the spot explaining my motives and reasons for things. Until recently, I didn't think much of this. Does anyone really know why he does anything? But now I recognize that there is a difference between what I do (look at evidence and come up with a plausible explanation) and what others probably do (talk about their own reasoning and experience around a certain action.) Actually, CopperMoon, when I read a lot of your posts, it feels like I could have written them.

My ability to do this has been falling apart lately as I discover what is really going on. It's upsetting and tiring.

I'm sorry not to have fully replied to all posts on this thread. The necessary alter is hiding a lot these days.

Amy of am4kds,

It is reassuring to read how similar your experience is to mine. I was afraid to talk to people in real life for a few weeks because I was afraid they might know or I might do something crazy. When I finally tried it was hard because I couldn't be honest about what was happening in my life, even with good friends. But once I got over that (I just said my PTSD had flared up) I could just pretend all was well even if I was feeling terrified. Like you said, people only maybe noticed I was down or tired, nothing more. And putting myself in social situations has gotten easier, as Una+ said, because it kicks my overall functioning and cooperation into place.

Hope you're doing okay. I have been in the background a lot lately but I have been thinking of you.

Unnamed and Alex