Major life crisis, non DID related, but I need support

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING

I've been wanting to stop in and discuss what I am sure is finding a new alter, but at the moment I have a major life crisis going on. There will be big triggers, so please read at your own risk!

I have been married for 27 years. My kids are grown. I thought life was getting good. We are, for the first time, able to pay all of our bills on time, buy things on occasion, etc. Things with my marriage have never been great, but marriage takes work. Especially when he is pretty paranoid and I (possibly) have DID.

Every few years, for like the last 15 years I have found things out about my husband. Trigger starts here. He told me about a time when he had accidentally seen a mans penis and thought it was pretty. He struggled with feelings about it, wondering if he might be bisexual. Years passed without another word. Off and on I would find gay porn on his computer. I even found where he was registering for gay dating sites as well as straight sites. I offered to let him explore his feelings as long as I was kept informed. He always told me he was over it. While this was going on our sex life became less and less. Needless to say, this damaged my already fragile psyche. I have gained weight, go through periods of depression, have NO self esteem and due to other issues I have no energy.

We have had sex only twice since May 2012. That should tell you a lot. Now I have found more stuff on his computer (within the last 24 hours). This is not from snooping, it was by accident. It started when I found his flirting texts with other women and went from there. I found gay meetup sites he has registered for. He says he only used one, but registered for others. I can't believe him. He eventually went on to admit, after lots of tears from me, that he had watched a couple of different guys masturbate (in person). More tears. Eventually I got the admission (after finding evidence) that he has given and received oral sex from men. I am waiting on him to drop the bomb and tell me there were full sexual encounters, which he is still denying at this point. I don't believe him. He has lied every step of the way. And he was doing most of this at a time when I was the only one supporting the household. I would be at work and he would be "on a date".

While we've been talking he has said that most of it is just the fascination of talking to people. My question to him is "why the oral sex then" and "why not talk to me". He said I am not adventurous and a bit of a prude. I pointed out that any time I asked what he would like to try he said nothing. I also am the only one to initiate anything even slightly not average. He then told me how I never want to do anything. My response is "why would I when I am too tired from health issues and I feel like a giant ugly blob from years of being ignored". He repeatedly said he is not blaming me for anything, that it is all his issue. But to my head, he always comes back to my shortcomings.

I have begged to be included. I have begged to be informed. I have tried to give him positive comments and praise regularly. I have attempted to initiate sex so often that I eventually had to turn it into a joke. For example, if I showed him a body part I have to joke about it and laugh when he showed no interest.

My self esteem is shot. I have been contemplating self harm all day. I even know where a bottle of my sons prozac is, but I am too chicken to do that. I had to miss work today because I couldn't deal with angry customers. I am not sure when/if I will be able to go back. I have thought about leaving him, but I flake out and quit work so often I can't support myself. I want to crawl into a deep dark hole and sleep for a very long time.

Thank you if you made it this far. And to the moderators, please don't move this to a different forum. I trust the people here. I also posted on a different board once and got some very......lets just say inappropriate responses.

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. No woman should. While I can see why you're angry with him, and you have the right to be, I can tell that your husband loves you. Yes what he did was terrible, but he cares, he truly does. Yes he should be open with you about his sexual feelings but him telling his wife something that can destroy everything that he has is probably something he's afraid of. I'm trying to think of how exactly to respond to this and what advice I can give, but I don't know what to say. I just hope you can save your relationship with your husband. It sounds like he means a lot of you and that you mean a lot to him. Sorry if this post wasn't helpful.

Actually your post is more helpful and insightful than you think and I appreciate the response.

At the moment I'm struggling to see anything that indicated he cares. But I do see your point about him hiding it so he doesn't lose anything. He says it is embarrassing and that's why he hid it.

Well, him crying while telling you what he did shows how heart wrenching and heartbreaking it was to him to admit what he did. He could have had no emotional response but he didn't. Also, the way I'm thinking of this is like a boy going through puberty and trying to find himself. When boys are young, they have mixed feeling but then they think they choose to be straight, bi or gay. It appears, to me, that your husband has been thrown back into the mixed feeling phase and is struggling to find his sexual orientation. I think something that you can do is to try and help him through it, like a mother would a child.

Ah! Now I see! You misunderstood! It wasn't him in tears, it was ALL me.

And I've offered to help him through it. But he denied it, hid it and continued. This is despite the fact that I had told him years ago that it was fine to explore,I just needed to be kept informed so I could protect myself, mentally and physically.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I was triggered slightly while reading so I was feeling a bit fogged while reading. Well, even though he denied, I think insisting on being involved will get it through to him that you're not just going to accept his actions, especially when he was in the wrong.

I'm sorry you were triggered.

He has shown no emotion whatsoever. Even when I told him I didn't know if I am leaving. He simply said it was my decision.

Thanks again for listening.

You're welcome. I was on my Facebook right now and my friend made a post that I think fits this situation: "True love is knowing the good AND the bad side of someone and STILL loving them. Still pursuing them. Still working things out." I agree wholeheartedly with this quote my friend posted and I hope that you two can work things out.

Hi Snuffthroostr,

I think at the moment you should focus on yourself/selves, and your well being, first.

My response might not be something that cheers you up, so be careful reading it.

I truly doubt he only had oral sex without having a full sexual encounter.

I think you were very brave, and openminded by offering him explore his feelings as long as you were informed. Was this option also open for you? Did you want to? I do believe he broke his part of the bargain. He didn't inform you.

Yes, it might be a difficult topic for him to bring it up, but so it might have also been difficult for you to offer an open relationship. Yet, you did.

The fact that you have had such few sexual encounters and that he is registered for dating sites, for me, indicates that his sexual drive is towards other people.

I do believe, you've done a lot, more than enough, to save the relationship. Sometimes, relationships end, and it's hard to deal with it. But I think right now you could think if the relationship you have with your husband is what you want for your life. Sometimes we get so attached to a relationship that makes us unhappy; that we fail to see how happy and healthy we would be in other situations.

Snuffthroostr wrote:Needless to say, this damaged my already fragile psyche. I have gained weight, go through periods of depression, have NO self esteem and due to other issues I have no energy.

...

My self esteem is shot. I have been contemplating self harm all day. I even know where a bottle of my sons prozac is, but I am too chicken to do that. I had to miss work today because I couldn't deal with angry customers. I am not sure when/if I will be able to go back. I have thought about leaving him, but I flake out and quit work so often I can't support myself. I want to crawl into a deep dark hole and sleep for a very long time.

I truly hope don't harm your body and yourself/selves. What you're going through is really hard, but right now you can decide things. You can analyze your relationship, see if he wants to work on it, see if you want to work on it, and if you decide not to you can work on other projects; marriage is not the only project in life.

You can decide on starting a new project, maybe going to the gym, reading those books you so wanted to, dedicate this time to your self/selves, to heal, having time to reconnect with friends, or making new ones, and in a future if you want to start a new relationship.

So, what's really empowering here, is that you have the facts from your husband behaviour, and you CAN decide what you want to do next. Scary? Yes, it might be, but have a look at the past and at yourself/selves, and see the wonderful things you are, and you've done.

You say you can't support yourself, but quite to the contrary you've supported the house, while he was on dates. So, yeah you can. Today you couldn't go to work because things hurt, but things will pass, and you'll be able to heal and go back to work.

So, take this time to heal, to think about yourself, and to analyze if this is the type of relationship you want.

Take care.

Sea

PS: You can read The Ethical Slut, it helped me heal lots of things from past relationships.

Violarules:
Thank you. That is a very appropriate quote and I will try to keep it in mind going forward.

Senegal:

That wasn't a hard read at all. I did not offer an open marriage, just him. I said he could explore, but did not say anything about me doing so. I probably should have. I do have to say that I have not always been faithful. I messed up once when we were first married. I was young, dumb and felt ignored. Then about 10 years ago, I did leave. I latched on to a guy who had shown me some attention and left my husband on a whim. I was only with this other person for like a week. Then I moved to my own place. I was sooooooo very lonely. So, after a grand total of one month, I went back. It was one of those spur of the moment "I have to quit my job and go home" kind of moments.

I know that I need to look out for myself from here on. Yes, I somehow managed to support us for 8 years or something like that. However, I went through 7 (?) jobs. This is a small town and there aren't many jobs left or places to live.

I appreciate all of the comments. Truly , I do.

And, yes, I assume he has done more than he admits.