Nothing *TW*

***Trigger warning***
I really don't want to live anymore. Can I just die and never come back. I don't care if I go to hell, I just want the pain to end. It's hurting me so bad. The way that everyone is so happy and yet I am so sad. I just want to cry and live no more. I'm crying as I type this.

I really want to hurt the body. I don't care about Host. I just want to do it. Can I do it? But there's nothing but knives here. I can't just sneak a knife out of the drawer without people noticing because there is too many people.

Why does Host's family have to be here. Why can't I be alone. I'll bleed before I am happy. I don't know how to be happy. Can I just die? I'll slit my wrists and bleed to death. Deep cuts, bad burns, painful bruises. I just want to hurt the body, but people would notice.

I don't want them to know that we want to die. I don't need any pity. I don't want people to be concerned. I just want to go without anyone noticing. I want to go without people crying, caring, or be sad about me. I don't care about Host's family or friends. They can just fall away.

Can I just die. I don't want concern, I'll do it. I just want to do it. I'll do it any way I can. I wish I could be happy, but I can't. I don't know how to feel happy. I don't know what happiness is. Is it just smiles and laughter? Talking to people? Watching videos and playing with people? I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to do that.

Devyn

***END Trigger warning***

Hi Devyn. I'm sorry you feel this way but even though you don't care about the host, what about the others? There are many others that want to live in the system and you have to take their feelings into account. Don't throw away your life, please. Even if the life has no value to you, it does have value to others and killing the host would make the others in the system upset because you would be snuffing their life out and that would be unfair. Please reconsider. I'm sure you, the host and the others can come to a compromise and solution that works for all of you that doesn't involve self harm.

There are others in this body? Nobody talks to me. I hear no one. I'm alone. I feel no connection to the world, inside or out. There's nothing for me. Host wouldn't mind. She has my feelings too. She wants to hurt too.

I think this is how it goes. ***Trigger Warning***

I want to cut the body to shreds. I want to see the blood streaming down the body.
I don't know how to contain it.
I'm always sad, no matter what I do.
Not even a hot tub can sooth me.
It makes me sad and scared that we almost got in trouble.
I don't want to get in trouble.
It makes me want to cut even more. It is an urge that I can barely control. Last time I cut the crap out of her. She told her parents. They were mad. I was going to do it again.

***End Trigger Warning***
Why should I stop? I don't see a point. Crying is the only thing I can do. Everything I do makes me sad. Eating, sleeping, playing, watching, laying out in the sun, all make me cry. I don't know why, it just does.

Devyn

If you look at the signature at the bottom of your posts, those are four of the many that share the body with you. I was thinking that maybe the others avoid you because you cut and hurt the body which in effect hurts them too since you all feel whatever damage you do to the body. Have you tried to reach out and communicate with them, like writing a note and leaving it somewhere the host can read it explaining how you're feeling and why. As for both of you wanting to hurt, that in the long run won't help anything except make everyone in the system anxious and in pain. I think there are better alternatives to coping than hurting yourself.

I don't know...I'm just scared that no one wants me. Host's parents don't like me because I hurt the body. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't know what to write. I don't know who those are. I know Host, but not the others. They don't want to talk to me. I tried, I got silence. Host tells me I'm not alone, but I don't know what she means. There are too many people. I don't know them. They scare me. Who are they?

Others...they feel too? I answer to Host's name but no one else. I don't know anyone else. I barely know Host's name and age. I see her age in the signature. How do I stop? I don't want to stop though. I like it. It makes me feel something. It takes the sadness away. Why does it do that? Why can't it hurt me? Why does it feel good? I'm sorry you have to deal with me. I should just go... I don't belong here. I'm going to cry again. I don't want to do it in front of these people. They'll think I'm weak...but I am.

Sorry again
Devyn

No need to apologize. I don't mind talking to you. Also, it's alright to cry. It's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. By acknowledging the sadness, you can work towards happiness and crying is cleansing as well. That's good that it takes the sadness away. Your host is right. You aren't alone and you never will be. While the others may not be responding it may be because they weren't aware of you the way you weren't aware of them. It's common for alters to not know each other but you can slowly open up communication to each other and learn how to work together in a way that's positive for all.

I'll try to write to them. It might work. What if they can't read my writing? What if they don't like me? Why would they like me? I hurt the body. What if I just go away. Live no more on the inside world. No one would miss me. Host won't care. They others don't know me. Crying seems to hurt me. My face becomes all puffy and red. My nose becomes all stopped up. It makes me choke on my own spit.

Devyn

Well, the only way to see what happens is to give it a try. I think that by reaching out to the others and if they decide to respond back and give you a chance, you can change and see that there's so much to live for and you can make some inside friends. Maybe the friendship with the others in your system will give you a reason to not want to hurt the body, but protect it which would protect the host and the other teenagers and little kids in your system. Also, you'll have a better connection with the host and that connection can create a strong, healthy bond. I hope everything works out when you try to communicate with the others

I don't know...It scares me. It makes me shiver to know that maybe I could be happy. Host won't come out. I don't want to be out anymore. I want to go to sleep. I need to sleep. Maybe it'll be better when I wake up. Please come out Host... If you can hear me others, someone come out. I don't want to be out anymore. I don't know what to do. How do I go back in?

Devyn

Kyttin wrote:I don't know...It scares me. It makes me shiver to know that maybe I could be happy. Host won't come out. I don't want to be out anymore. I want to go to sleep. I need to sleep. Maybe it'll be better when I wake up. Please come out Host... If you can hear me others, someone come out. I don't want to be out anymore. I don't know what to do. How do I go back in?

Devyn

Being happy is a good thing. It may not seem like that now but you'll see. As for switching back in, try relaxing. Something I've noticed is it's harder to switch when tense and I can tell you're scared. Just take deep breaths and I'm sure someone will eventually come out. Just stay calm.