I'm so confused and overwhelmed *TW*

I had an appt with the Pdoc today. I couldn't talk to him. I could just nod sometimes. couldn't look at him. I couldn't even nod completely truthfully about some of the self-destructive stuff. I keep reconsidering what's wrong with me. What if I'm just an over-sensitive, attention-seeking nut-case? What if I'm just making up little K and Christian as an excuse to behave like the crazy person I am? How can I even tell? Maybe I've been making up the inside voices all my life to keep from having to live a real life. Whatever the reason, I feel so ashamed of who I am. Why do I have to be such a person inside that I can't explain it to most people outside without them having a major shift in their opinion of me. I don't know how I got to be such a mess or if there's ever any hope of becoming a more acceptable and respectable human being. I feel completely alone right now. How can anyone else understand if I can't even understand myself? Is this just some complicated attention-seeking game I'm playing? I don't want to play a game. I want so badly to wake up and be a normal person. All I feel like doing is crying and sleeping, but that never solves anything. And at the same time I keep hearing the thoughts that I say are Christian telling me to do self-destructive things. I always blame little K when I feel like I need to curl up and cry or when my breathing gets hard, but what if it's all just me. What if I just want to curl up to avoid responsibility and also want to self destruct to either get attention or die and escape? What if I'm just too much of a mess inside for anyone to want to be around. I feel like giving up, only I don't know what that would look like.

I'm supposed to see my T tomorrow, but I don't know if she wants to see me. I feel like such a burden. Like I just need to stop it and be normal. I wish I could see how.

Please forgive me and just ignore me if I'm not making sense. I feel like I'm just wasting space here.

KK

I understand what you're going through because I have the same doubts as well. I also wonder if I'm making a big deal out of nothing and wasting people's time and I constantly flip between feeling like the voices aren't real to they have some significance. It was hard for me last week to bring up my problems to my doctor but once I did I felt better. I think the thing is to try and see the positive. Also, your T wouldn't take time out of the day to see you if she didn't want to see you. She does and wants to help you as does everyone on this forum. It can be scary to try and come to terms with things society doesn't see as normal but all you can do is ride it out and use it as a learning experience. It'll get better. You just have to hang in there.

Thanks for responding. I feel so alone. I'm crying... just crying. It's so hard to hang on tonight. I'm sorry. It's just so hard.

KK

No need to be sorry. We all need a good cry every once in a while. It helps get the pain out instead of holding in. I'm sure everything will work out and the forum, your T and others will be there to help give support.

GKOKD wrote:I'm supposed to see my T tomorrow, but I don't know if she wants to see me. I feel like such a burden. Like I just need to stop it and be normal. I wish I could see how.

Please forgive me and just ignore me if I'm not making sense. I feel like I'm just wasting space here.

KK

Each one of us has a single unit of self-worth; no more, no less. We cannot use it up or gain more. This is a Truth. You are valuable as any person on Earth and you have important role in all our lives; regardless of whether you think so or not.

Most of the time we do not know what differences we play in encouraging or uplifting other people, but that doesn't change that we have in the past, do now in the present, and will continue to do as we grow through life. Just existing, you speak to the courage and strength of the human spirit; and it that I am grateful.

Part of our humanness is questioning ourselves. Even after we know the truth, we still question. It's all right. Everything is growing toward a better state of being, and more and more things will make sense. In you is wisdom and other virtues to be discovered and encouraged to grow and be more toward the front. Every day is a victory; you will see.

Hi KK,

You're not alone. We are here, we read you.

Have a look at this post by Johnny-Jack, maybe it helps. And if you cannot do it tonight, it's ok to just cry, and sleep, and maybe you can look at it with new eyes tomorrow.

How do I know my alters are real?

Sea

Hope you're feeling a bit better! I've been there. I often have to be careful not to go back there. This is a common reaction for those with dissociative disorders. Things try to stay hidden. What help me is to sit and realize the world around me ( I know it sounds kind of hokey) I feel something soft or with an unusual texture, I actually LOOK at objects. It usually help me realize I'm really foggy at that time and I wouldn't be foggy if I were making it all up. I've said some of the exact things you're saying. You'll be okay. You're welcome here, you're always welcome here.


Hope things get better for you soon!

Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you Sea for the link to the thread. I read through it tonight.

I'm still confused and overwhelmed. I'm not sure where or if I fit anywhere. I saw my T today and I let her read my post at the beginning of this thread, but she really didn't give me any confirmation of what is really wrong with me. She asked me if K's and Christian's voices sound different and they do in a way, but also in a way, I don't know because when they talk to me inside it's not an auditory perception. Like, I wouldn't look around me and expect someone outside of me to be talking. I can certainly "hear" their words and the attitude with which they are delivered, but it's different than an auditory perception.

I've never looked in the mirror and seen someone else. But there are times when I feel and behave like a scared preschooler. It becomes natural to curl up tight. I become hyper-vigilant and scared of people and things that would not otherwise scare me. It's not that I become like this, but the body becomes this way and I am down too deep to do anything but observe and be frustrated. Then there are times like tonight, when Christian is so loud (not in an auditory way) in my head that I have trouble focusing on anything else. He's gotten so self-destructive lately, and I don't know whether I need to deal with it by pursuing better negotiations with him, or to understand it as my whole self sinking into a more and more destructive and suicidal depression.

I thank all of you again as I continue to struggle to make some sense of what's going on.

KK

GKOKD wrote:Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you Sea for the link to the thread. I read through it tonight.

I'm still confused and overwhelmed. I'm not sure where or if I fit anywhere. I saw my T today and I let her read my post at the beginning of this thread, but she really didn't give me any confirmation of what is really wrong with me. She asked me if K's and Christian's voices sound different and they do in a way, but also in a way, I don't know because when they talk to me inside it's not an auditory perception. Like, I wouldn't look around me and expect someone outside of me to be talking. I can certainly "hear" their words and the attitude with which they are delivered, but it's different than an auditory perception.

It sounds as if your T is trying to verify that you are not schizoid and "hearing voices." I thought she was already aware you were DID. Anyway, if you look at it from the perspective she is verify you are not dealing with something else, then it may not be so confusing to you. How you describe hearing K and Christian is correct for DID.

I've never looked in the mirror and seen someone else. But there are times when I feel and behave like a scared preschooler. It becomes natural to curl up tight. I become hyper-vigilant and scared of people and things that would not otherwise scare me. It's not that I become like this, but the body becomes this way and I am down too deep to do anything but observe and be frustrated. Then there are times like tonight, when Christian is so loud (not in an auditory way) in my head that I have trouble focusing on anything else. He's gotten so self-destructive lately, and I don't know whether I need to deal with it by pursuing better negotiations with him, or to understand it as my whole self sinking into a more and more destructive and suicidal depression.

Yes, while your alters may see themselves as different looking from you, it's not likely for you to see them as they see themselves. If you have an observant friend who you and your alters trust, that friend can tell who is forward and interacting with them. Most people are not that observant.

I thank all of you again as I continue to struggle to make some sense of what's going on.

KK

My wish for is clarity. I see your new resolve bringing you to a new stable place.

Professor,

I printed out your last reply to me and took it with me to my last session. My T said that yes she does think I have DID and she was just asking me questions to clarify that. She says she needs to talk to my Pdoc about it and she's even going to try to clear time to see me three times a week, because she thinks I need it.

I can never talk to her anymore during our sessions because the others are too demanding. In fact when I saw her last time we curled right up in the chair and closed our eyes. That's little K. That's why I try to write things out before we go so I can just hand them to her.

She doesn't want me to try to negotiate with Christian. She thinks he is too dangerous and self destructive now, which is true.

I'm in a precarious position right now, because whenever I'm alone it's hard to be the one fronting. And Christian is really self-destructive. I guess it's to our benefit that I'm sick right now and the body barely has the energy to type on here, let alone injure itself in any drastic way. We can't do much other than sleep and try to breath through the gunk in our lungs. People keep suggesting that we go to a doctor, but I don't want anyone to do bloodwork or compare our weight or anything else that will reveal how sick we really are. I did let T weigh us last time but I couldn't look at it and she didn't tell me what it said. It's too disturbing. *TW* we haven't been able to eat without vomiting in over 5 weeks.*TW* That's one of Christian's rules and if the numbers don't go down every day, he'll do something worse.

I've got to go back to sleep now while I can.

KK

-- Fri Jul 11, 2014 10:02 pm --

Professor,

I printed out your last reply to me and took it with me to my last session. My T said that yes she does think I have DID and she was just asking me questions to clarify that. She says she needs to talk to my Pdoc about it and she's even going to try to clear time to see me three times a week, because she thinks I need it.

I can never talk to her anymore during our sessions because the others are too demanding. In fact when I saw her last time we curled right up in the chair and closed our eyes. That's little K. That's why I try to write things out before we go so I can just hand them to her.

She doesn't want me to try to negotiate with Christian. She thinks he is too dangerous and self destructive now, which is true.

I'm in a precarious position right now, because whenever I'm alone it's hard to be the one fronting. And Christian is really self-destructive. I guess it's to our benefit that I'm sick right now and the body barely has the energy to type on here, let alone injure itself in any drastic way. We can't do much other than sleep and try to breath through the gunk in our lungs. People keep suggesting that we go to a doctor, but I don't want anyone to do bloodwork or compare our weight or anything else that will reveal how sick we really are. I did let T weigh us last time but I couldn't look at it and she didn't tell me what it said. It's too disturbing. *TW* we haven't been able to eat without vomiting in over 5 weeks.*TW* That's one of Christian's rules and if the numbers don't go down every day, he'll do something worse.

I've got to go back to sleep now while I can.

KK