Therapy!

Hi. So i finally found a therapist who specialises in DID. Going to therapy has made things harder on me than it previously was! Suddenly all the alters seem to be on edge, many of them hate the idea of therapy. I feel lost. Some of my alters demand proof that i have DID, but my therapist says she cannot give me the MID test results at this stage? How would it really make a difference even if she gave me a copy of it? Also During the sessions as soon as she gives me something to read regarding DID i seem to stop understanding the letters after a while. I find the room surreal and she has to do the grounding techniques repeatedly. This really drains my energy. Also is it normal that sometimes my hand writes things I do not want to write, in a way that i cannot even predict the next word its going to write, but it still keeps writing. As if someone else is holding my hand and making me write. My T says that I need to reflect inside me and talk to my alters. But when I try to do that everyone inside is quiet. All i hear is multiple people breathing deeply. I feel quite helpless at this point. Do you suppose if i stop going to therapy, things will get better? Because the alters at this point think im going against them to see a psychologist, and all i want to do is to help them, in the end they are a very integral part of me that i wouldnt want to betray! Also could somebody explain what integration feels like? And what i should expect at every stage of acheiving it?
Thank you!

Hi felina,

It's very hard for alters to go to therapy. It makes us feel very exposed and is really scary. It took a long time for us to talk to our new T. She's nice and knows about DID but still it's hard! It helps a lot that our host is patient with us. We also have a journal so we can write about our therapy and everbody can read about how it's going. We don't like surprises. You sound like a good host who wants to help everyone inside. That's important!

Sometimes talking about integration can be scary to us because it sounds like dying. It's NOT dying but we've never done it before and we're used to being hurt by things adults decide to do to us.

Iain

Hi Felina
Therapists have a way of setting of my alts, it sucks, but I have to say in my experience it has been in the long run the most positive experience for all of us. Its been almost 4 years, each time my alts began to like my therapist it kicked off big time by others that couldn't stand it, each time alts have felt angry and given the therapist a metaphorical push but she has stayed in all her calmness. Some of my alts consider her mum now, the sort of mum we should have had and they have learnt the things that mums are supposed to teach, some of my alts find her attractive and they are learning that having those feelings doesn't have to be a massive red danger sign, some of my alts feel she is a friend and they are learning how to make friends and not run and hide. It seems for me each time an alt develops some sort of feeling there is a counter one to wind it up and bickering ensues but she stays and listens to them both without judging them. My therapist is very boundaried and we feel safe now, and when all my alts and my host completely vanish she is what we recognise as safe in a world of fog. I have started EMDR and my little alts are terrified that I am trying to kill them, I am used to having them there and would miss them if they went, advice I received was that its not killing them, they may not go away, but they may be less afraid, less fearful, and they may get the opportunity to be freer and show happier parts of themselves.
I don't know anything about the writing thing but it sounds as though something needs to be expressed one way or another, talking isn't for everyone, some of mine like to draw, others play in the sand.

If you write without knowing what will come next, what word, what sentence an alter may be trying to get through and talk.
You seem very scared of that - this may be one of the reasons when you address them directly they get scared and silent -
if this d be true you can check this by starting a writing conversation - you can ask if someone d like to write for instance and wait for the answer
when the silence doesnt break I try to seek for things they may like - and just try things out(as music or a film you think the one you try to reach out to may like) the fact you show intrest and try to reach out is a beginning - and if direct contact doesnt work - such an approach may (songs, films, hobby they may be intrested in and this can be in teh Inner World too as more possibilieties -

I know how hard it is to let go at one point, to see your hand move as if it s not yours as if someone else is writing, but it is helpful and builds communication. If they want to of course and if you re able to. If not, the other suggestoins I made may be safer for all of you as it doesn t involve lose of control nor direct questions or replies

As for proof of DID, if that s what they want it seems that indeed, whatever you ll say to proof they ll find a way to make sure it doesn t stand in which case it ll end up in a yes no conversation.
It sounds a tad as denial, which is a form of protecting the system when it s not ready. Or as a form of hiding out, for us in any ways that s been an issue.If you d like to know how we went through that you can PM me but it s just a suggestion.

Reading your post I notice lots of fear. Of the therapy, of everyone being on edge.

What helped us - some of us - was finding something that made some of us calm before therapy.
If it s the littles that are most afraid they can maybe bring something with them as a favourite drawing for instance or a blankie, and then they can connect with that, the blankie is it nice soft whatever - it s a safe subject it doesn t include serious things as DID or NOT DID or integration which are very heavy topics when you first start, obviously and normal but heavy too and with such fear it s maybe easier to start with a sort of trust building. If you can start a session with something neutral you or who ever is out calms, and other things can be addressed too - you can talk this through with your T too if you have no clear idea right now - or look into options - as stuffed animals, a favourite piece of clothing as in a color that soothes or a scarf or a accessory - things like that

I know my system is quite upset about another therapist attempt from my side. I told them that nothing is obliged. If they don t want to, we wont go. I did add that however I do need extra help too - so for me it s important - but their needs are acknowledged (as the search for safety).
I told them that what scared them the most, in mycase, was allowed to be mailed towards the therapist who d reply. And even after that they wanted to make sure that one of the adults would be out there first to make sure it s true. They were scared to have to talk, I made it clear nothing was obliged, that it was a nice lady from what I saw, and that indeed we d be very careful and that if we start, if, no one has to say anything. The T made it clear too that if there ar no words she has otehr ways of making a session work. So I let them talk and write the questions down. Maybe that s somethin to try if possible, find the most important reasons of the fear with your T or when you try to connect?

So it s good you notice they re on edge. Try to if possible find ways that create more safety. If they don t talk, which I had in the past often too, just guess. Offer something and wait for a response. If it s not given just give it a try and if then a response comes you can go on from there; Example of my system: Indie didn t talk to me, and hid, but I knew she send pics of rabbits; Therefore I created a sort of hole with blankies and just lied there with a song that said 'need you now' makin sure she knew I wwanted her in the system, that she belonged etc. It took time, but after that she expressed what she wanted in her way. That s what I mean by, if they don t speak, look for somethin you can address. The tiniest thing.

Therapy is puttin you in a vulnerable position, it s not pleasant.

But support is good, and if this person is specialised it could be a resource of help and information that may help you. So it s natural for now everyone feels rough - make sure ot address this before you walk away - give it a chance - unles stupid comments are made (see my post about new promising T)

About integration - my experience - and you can go through my posts the title is 'amazin thing happened' that describes it in full more ore less)
It s a process
That means that one alter can merge with another - qualities and memories will be shared they will feel as one instead of separate and function that way. It may last, it may not last, it depends on different things; Some things can help to make it last longer. I have an articl eon that if intretsted. as a process it means integration and disintegratin can follow, and is normal, not a failure but not necessary the case either.
I ve had full system integrations.
The first one (of the alters I knew and considered the entire bunch) was very peaceful. I felt whole; Suddenly life was less complex. No discussions about clothes to wear, hygiëne, food, films, activities, no Inner World crisises and prevention plans, no more drama in the inside, more focus on the world out there and more space for other people in my life, for what I wanted to read or draw and such.
BUT also grieving cause we had fun too, we had cosy moments we had certain things we did together and I missed them a lot at first. However I realised it s a sign of healing too and it all goes with it.
It didn t last given I hadn t met the entire system yet - so it fell apart.
Second integration was very painful - this time memories and all the pain attached became my own when others had carried them for so long and it was real tough.
This one didn t last either;

But for a full version I d suggest to see that post if you want my experience on it. And when questions, I m a PM away.

At this stage however - I d not address it nor with the T nor with the alters - I notcied with my system a lot of alters hate integration, are real upset about the idea. (even tho they v experienced it - some are okay with it but mostly the littles are very upset about jsut the idea and barely grasp the concept)
So I just tell them tehy are allowed to exist, nothing is forced, but too that the burden they carry doesn t have to be their own, they can share it even without integration by opening up for example, by talking to others as in the adults etc

I make sure it s a possibility, not a thing that has to be achieved. Tho I did say too that given my system we do need something as we can t go on like this either - they know I support integration - and they know I ll never force it upon them -

I make sure too that they know I m scared often of what they want to talk about , tha tI run? that I deny, that that s my fault, not theirs, that I stilllove and care for them and that in the end I alwys end up listening. I ve learned that the fact that they didnt want to talk had to do with that fear and denyin attitude I just couldn t seem to help, by addressin git things changed.

SO I guess that my approach and experience of integration -

Not sure that was of any help.

Good luck and do address the fears with the T too if the expertise is there there will come a decent answer I m sure.

nina11

Integration felt like a pressure building. I remember alters being specific with memories. I started living as authentic alters, although I did not pass out this time. When I integrated, things changed. My writing style and word usage changed. I adapted new memories I could not remember on my own. I had a sense of depth and a better understanding of who I am and where I came from.

My husband has just started therapy, but he has not even accepted that he has DID yet, much less think about integration. He seems to have switched into a furious protector and will not acknowledge that this is even happening. I hear many of you talking about how hard integration is and in my limited perspective, I just can't imagine anything going worse than it already is. Not trying to minimize anyone's experience, or my own...I guess I am just coming to accept the gravity of the process we are embarking upon. He will not let me offer "support" to him, because he is "locked" into this don't-talk-to-me-mode. It has been a month now. It's scary. And lonely. Well, all that to say, I REALLY give everyone here SO much credit for working through therapy. I'm so sorry we need it at all. What courage it takes to go there! Thanks for sharing.

Clearwatershores wrote: wrote:My husband has just started therapy, but he has not even accepted that he has DID yet, much less think about integration. He seems to have switched into a furious protector and will not acknowledge that this is even happening. I hear many of you talking about how hard integration is and in my limited perspective, I just can't imagine anything going worse than it already is. Not trying to minimize anyone's experience, or my own...I guess I am just coming to accept the gravity of the process we are embarking upon. He will not let me offer "support" to him, because he is "locked" into this don't-talk-to-me-mode. It has been a month now. It's scary. And lonely. Well, all that to say, I REALLY give everyone here SO much credit for working through therapy. I'm so sorry we need it at all. What courage it takes to go there! Thanks for sharing.

Hi. I understand the initial denial. My system had it for 7 months. I had a very horrific time with my previous therapist, its tortorous. I would hate anyone else to go through that. My new one's pretty good. What I suggest is please look into how good your husbands T really is. Also I have a protective alter called derek, and he was equally stubborn and defensive. Please let your husbands defensive alter know that your grateful about what he's doing and just build a relationship with him which involves sharing of his ideas and knowing his inhibitions. He could PM me or Derek anytime is he likes.
Also I found it extremely useful to NOT research about DID on the internet and if your still very curious get this book called "Looking through the eyes of trauma and dissociation" (http://www.amazon.com/Looking-Through-E ... 1439213216) Its very important to get your hands on the right information. Also, it would be a good idea to identify any triggers if he might have and to avoid those at all cost. Also yes, it is extremely hard being where you are. And later it gets not really much harder, but much more chaotic. If you need any more help with this you can PM me anytime

What you all say makes a lot of sense, i can identify with most of it. It just feels really good to know that im not alone in this, and my failed attempts at things are a part of a very regular routine? Nina11; Thank you for your detailed view, it helped a lot, but Im still finding it hard myself to grasp the concept of us being ME instead of us being us. Ive also begun to love being in the inner world and escaping the outer one. I love spending time with my alters and it just scares me that once we integrate id lose all of that.Its very mentally straining. And at times i wonder why i need to give up such an advanced coping mechanism to only get a more primitive one. But I will believe you when you say it feels worth it at the end. Yet, when is enough really enough? When can i be sure i wont wind up all the way back to square one? Im sorry about so many questions, but im only 18, and i have nobody i can really talk to about this!

Nina11, I just wanted to mention here that I've always appreciated your honesty and clarity in how you describe your experience with integrations, and with them sometimes coming apart before they're final. It confirms a flexibility about the process that is reassuring to some of us, particularly some younger guys who barely understand multiplicity let alone integration.

a lot of fear lingers round the word integration -

it is however a process


and mostly I read of people where two alters or three decide to merge - I ve not read of many system merges that go that quick as my first did - if that s a reassurance (and to add at taht point I thought it was an entire system integration thing even tho Vicky said you haven t met anyone yet) - that first one was indeed grief over the fun we ha d- and the utter peace and ability to deal with every day life that suddenly became such an ease -

every integration is different tho, for my system

however - as I sai - it s no obligation in any way - it s a possibility - but I d not see being integrated as livin in a more primitive kind of state if I recall your words right - it s a different kind of living, a less complex one. For one thing.

I read a lot of fear in your post,if I were you I d go from there, to that fear rather then thinkin of a possible outcome or such, as it seems very new and hard to deal with, so looking at possible outcomes as integration or co existence is real scary.


I m not sure what you mean with when is enough en ough? What do you refer too?

For me, every integration was different however I found out that every disintegration brought everyone back even if I couldn t tell, I just found out recently that the entire animal world has been back for ages but on a different plane! -

For now I m not going for integration in any way - as in - I need the alters to help me out here i any way possible - and they promised to stay as long as i need it - and to work togehter a whole lot more then we did before, as some may know we had lots of violence inour system.



anyways whenever you re scared - just let it go the concept of integratoin- focus on communication and dealing with how your innerwold is like, what alters are like and what they need and what you need.

there are people living harmonious life in co existence too -

so don t fret, take it easy and be gentle with yourself.

if you d love to talk more, ask more, just PM, read the post amazin thing happened? It s real hard if you feel or indeed have no one to talk to so do use this place if it feels safe to you.

As for Johnny Jack, thanks for your appreciation - I ve found there s little literature out there about integration - and how things work afterwards too - so I ve been looking into things a lot given the fact I go through this a lot - so I m glad my story reassures the others;
As indeed, it s not a once you get there all is well over and dealt with - it goes back and forth and is very normal
I Was so upset when Rob integrated last time even tho he left me a poem sayin alwys to be there and he did come back too - I just couldn t believe he would -
I guess I m not ready for a final one - and I can live with that -

So indeed, it s a process, flexible, and when in fear or whatever integrations can be refused or undone too, tho in certain cases I d not recommend it- I mean if an alter as a real good reason to do so - it s best to let it happen - but as said - this is different for each situation and system.

love

nina11