dont get emotional part - rambling

Hi,

I have some thoughts/questions/rambling about some dissociative issues. And I’m taking the risk of writing on this forum even though I don’t have did. I really hope I don’t offend anyone by writing here. If thats the case please tell me! You people on this forum are just so wise and knowledgable. Thanks for all you share!

In another thread in the ddnos forum I wrote about some dissociative seizures starting half a year ago. Along with those the angry voice in my head has been very active. My psychologist spoke to the angry voice thanking him for taking care of me, and being very understanding of his protective role. It really helped me to understand that the angry voice actually is a bit scared and just trying to take care of us in a maybe not so nice way.

The last months there has also been this new girl. I guess she is an emotional part (not sure thats what she is, it could all just be my imagination). And I have heard her more (this to I guess could aslo just be my imagination. I mean they are all my thoughts anyway, I think…) after my psychologist spoke to the angry voice and the angry voice has not been so active.
The thing is the new girl which is between the age of 6 and 9 is like very screaming. Jumping up and down. Kind of manipulative, mean maybe. I just don’t really know how to relate or connect to her. She also said she’s the only one who can speak to the little one. And she stated that she can be mean to the little as well. Also she doesn’t seem to give a f*** if I try to talk to her, but she kind of listened when my P said she could show her how to be safe. Some months ago she could start jumping and screaming if she saw something she wanted to play with, but latley she hasnt said so much. Just screaming if my T or I mentions the little. She is like screaming saying shes the only one allowed to be in contact with the little.

Trigger warning mentioning death

But yesterday when I thought I could check up on her she just seemed dead. I don’t know if she is dead. If I try to say hi to the little (not that i get any contact with the little , just assuring I’m there) there is screaming in my head, but I’m not sure if it's her voice. I really don’t know what this is. Is it a good thing? a bad thing? Is it my fault? Is she gone? And if so, is that just good, like I’m getting more whole?
Really I’m not understanding anything. All I have written just seems completely crazy. And I really think I just should get it together. And get the f over it.

Sorry for rambling. I just. Its kind of. I don’t know. Thanks for having this forum, and I hope its ok I’m just venting a bit here.

Hi mindbodysoul,

Welcome to the DID Forum. I'm glad you took the risk to post in here.

mindbodysoul wrote:All I have written just seems completely crazy. And I really think I just should get it together. And get the f over it.

Sorry for rambling. I just. Its kind of. I don’t know. Thanks for having this forum, and I hope its ok I’m just venting a bit here.

What you've written doesn't sound crazy, and you don't need to get the f over it. As a matter of fact, I believe you've made a great work at recognizing how all of you feel (the protective voice, the girl, the little one), and this is a great place to share thoughts and find support.

I think the work your psychologist did by thanking and understanding the role of your protective voice was awesome. His role was validated, his worries were understood. And you understood what was behind his actions.

About the girl, I perceive her as a protector, specially of the little one. She's also very interested in being safe, so you can make a deal with her: You make actions to keep her safe safe, and in return you get to talk to the little one or to her about why she screams when you or your T mentions the little one; if that's your interest.

mindbodysoul wrote:But yesterday when I thought I could check up on her she just seemed dead. I don’t know if she is dead. If I try to say hi to the little (not that i get any contact with the little , just assuring I’m there) there is screaming in my head, but I’m not sure if it's her voice. I really don’t know what this is. Is it a good thing? a bad thing? Is it my fault? Is she gone? And if so, is that just good, like I’m getting more whole?

These seem like the more pressing questions, and I really don't have much knowledge to answer them. I don't think the girl is dead, though. Maybe if you try the safety issue you can see if she answers to that. You could also try to determine, maybe with your T, whether the screaming comes from her or from another part (not sure how to do this).

I wish you find answers, and that you feel safe and supported.

Sea

Thank you, Sea! I really appriciate your kind and wise words!

I think you'r right. The girl, she is still there. I just can't really talk with her. She dosn't listen. I don't think she trust me. And really i'm not sure I trust her either. I know I probably only should make her feel loved, but something in me can't stand her and gets angry at her (and now I'm really regretting writing that. She will never trust me now). I also try to talk to her in a respectful way and I try to make her feel safe. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know why but my body don't always feel that safe so I'm not sure how to make her trust me that it is safe.

After writing this I don't blame her for not trusting me. How can she. But I'm gonna try make her safe.

Hi mindbodysoul,

I do think there are reasons for her not listening and not trusting, and you not standing her and being angry. And maybe once both understand why, you'll see each other differently.

When you mentioned that you don't know why your body don't always feel that safe, I remembered something I felt last dance session. I wen through a rough situation, and when I started dancing very recently, I realized I was feeling so uncomfortable by others touching me. I'm not usually like this, I'm ok with being touched, specially in a dancing environment. So I realized, that my body was closed because of the situation I went through, and although my mind was much, much better, my body still needed more time.

So, your body might need more time to realized it's safe. And maybe you can help with some exercises, like touching things, like feeling with your whole body, like smelling nice fragrance, listening to nice music. Maybe does things linked to the place you live might make your body feel safer.

And about her I think she might trust you one day. Try to understand why you feel the way you feel about her, and try to put yourself in her position, or to read or perceive what she feels. Maybe you can understand her better, and viceversa.

If she doesn't listen, try talking in a different way, or doing something new and creative. Try to perceive how she feels different when you have a different approach. And try to understand what does safe mean for her? Is it being in a nice place? Is taking a cab? Is talking to nice people? Is watching cartoon movies?

I wish you a good communication with her.

Sea