We are going to Germany

I am so upset right now, cried half the night. J is confused, is agreeing with her mother that we shouldn't make love anymore because it's 'sinful' . I don't understand how this is any different than being dumped. I'm supposed to be like a friend to her so what is the difference? I don't know if I'm allowed to kiss her or touch her or look at her naked or tell her she's beautiful…… And she wants me to stop being upset. Sounds like my past - to feel guilty about wanting/to feel disgusting about my body's desires, to pretend I'm OK when I feel devastated… J is going to Japan with her sister in a few days… Will I be able to kiss her goodbye?

Hi N,

It really sucks that J is agreeing with her mother. Hey, you feel what you feel, and there's no guilt or disgust in desiring a woman, if you are a woman. And you have the right to feel upset and devastated with her decisions, if that's how you're feeling. I'd feel the same.

The thing is that she can also make her decisions, and it sucks that those are not aligned with yours.

I hope J really gets to listen to what she wants, and do as she feels, not pressured by others. I hope also that if her decision isn't aligned with yours, you find ways to face them, learn from them, and then feel better about it. Hey, support yourself on Aiden and little n.

Sea

Thanks you Sea, for you support. I am so sad

J died on Oct. 10. I have no words atm.

niva wrote:J died on Oct. 10. I have no words atm.

Oh, N. :/ May she have a safe trip home. I wish you peace at these moments.

Sea

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you as you grieve.

I'm so sorry! I hope you guys can find some peace We're all here for you if you need us!

Thank you for your support <3. It means a lot to me. I feel so sad, so hurt I can't make sense of why she decided to break my heart before she died. I want to understand. going in circles. I am so tired. I am ok though, functional, working, trying… I miss her

niva wrote:Thank you for your support <3. It means a lot to me. I feel so sad, so hurt I can't make sense of why she decided to break my heart before she died. I want to understand. going in circles. I am so tired. I am ok though, functional, working, trying… I miss her

Oh N, :/. I'm not sure you'll find an answer. Maybe she did it to try to get closer to her mother, or to find peace according to what she's been taught regarding the after life; however, I don't think she did it to break your heart. Try to remember her love, and how much she loved you, and showed it to you in many times.

We as humans make mistakes, and maybe, had she had some more time, she would've changed her mind again, and tell you how much she adores you. Maybe she just didn't have enough time. Whenever, I can't be sure of something, I think the best of the situation.

Maybe, a logical answer won't satisfy you, maybe you won't find a good reason. So try not to look at that. Try to remember her face whenever she saw you, try to remember her attitude towards you when you stayed with her at the hospital.

Take care of yourselves at this moment. Have nice warm showers. Sleep in warm blankets. Watch good movies. Have some nice treats in food or other things you enjoy. At this very moment, you need to be like a special doctor with yourselves. Listen to nice music. And do your grieving. It's ok to grieve, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad.

Sea

niva so sorry to hear of your loss - xoxo