Tired Rambling (trigger warning)

Hi... so, this is my first visit here. I realize that this is a horrible way to start off, but I've just managed to come back after a 6 - hour takeover, I'm exhausted, and... I guess there's no one else to talk to.

I've been living with DID for six years now. Very few people know--I thankfully had friends with the same issue who were able to basically make a little support group. I've just recently decided to talk to a therapist for my alters, because it's getting to the point that going to my work lately has almost become a daily chore of stress, anger, and fighting attacks that I can't hold off against. I'm worried about my safety, as well as my coworkers.

Recently, I had my first appointment with said therapist. We went through what I assume is the usual business for such things. Naturally, she asked me about abuse. I told her I didn't remember any, which was true at the time. Up until now, I'd thought my alters had come along due to being picked on in school, basically ever since I started, all the way to high school.

Then my alters and I started thinking about it, and I reached a point that was incongruous. My big sister who shall remain nameless, had shown me porn since I was very small, probably 5 years old. Too young to know anything about what was going on, aside from people on the TV moving weirdly and making loud noises to bad music.

My memories of this point are very disjointed. I know she'd shown me porn. I think she masturbated while we watched. The kicker is... I remember one day we were playing in the work out room while my parents were gone. I remember there being a green poncho. I remember both of us going under it, and she made me say, 'I'm going to rape you.'. Then nothing.

The problem I'm having, is how do I know if this memory is real or not? I only remembered when my therapist asked about it. Intellectually, I knew that DID often stemmed from childhood abuse. Yet I didn't think about it til now. Even if I'm right... what am I supposed to feel about it? Sad? Angry? Betrayed? I don't feel anything. I'm just kind of numb. My alters have been infuriated, hence the 6 hour bender.

What do I even do if I'm right? No matter what, I can still hear glass cracking, and I've gotten dangerously erratic, especially at work. I've had to call off work multiple times because I wasn't sure how balanced I was. But I need that freaking money, I'm a damn college student paying a 600 dollar rent on minimum wage. I just... I'm so confused, and I don't know what to do.

Hello Paradox Reality, welcome, this place is great. I have a question...

Paradox Reality wrote: Then nothing.

When you say this, do you mean you lost time? Like, one of your alters fronted at that time to protect you?
I'm not sure if this is correct, but don't most alters only share some memories, but not all, with you?
Here's what I think: It is definitely time for some therapy to help sort this out safely, but I think it's even more important for you to recognize that you are probably in crisis right now.
When I 1st walked in for therapy 8 months ago, the intake person recognized it right away, even though I didn't. It seemed "normal" to me because I had already been living with it all my life and still functioning somewhat (although never able to hold a job). But clearly, after 11 years therapy-free (living with the wrong diagnosis), I felt so exhausted by life that something urged me to make that 1st appointment, just like you did. I had no way of knowing at that time that I was about to have a MAJOR breakdown within 2-4 weeks. What I experienced as a little red-flag feeling that was just enough to prod me into therapy, was actually me in full blown crisis mode, and I didn't even know it. Someone else had to make the distinction for me since I was unable to.
How soon is your next appt? I would urge you to call right away and let anyone who answers the phone know that you think you are in crisis ~ it doesn't matter how mild ~ and you need help sooner than your next appt. You could be catching this early enough to prevent a far worse downward spiral in your life! Just trust your intuition and take your level of care up to the next step!!!

None of us remember anything past that point, for a period of several years. My memory was bollocks in the first place, and my alters arriving certainly didn't help matters. I suppose it's possible, but the first documented attack I had was in sophomore year.

One of my alters called my therapist late last night enraged, so I assume I'll be getting a call soon asking why I left a voice mail of someone growling and snarling, saying we'd been betrayed. Gotta love angry animal alters...

As for the memory and appointment bit--I don't know. It seems given we were made aware of each other from the outset, they've had a habit of pawing in my memories to find what they want. Sometimes it seems they remember more than I do, which is goddamn annoying at times.

My next appointment is Monday, but I think you're right. I haven't been this unstable in years, and it's getting worse. Just wish I knew if my memory is correct or not... and how to feel about it if it is. I'm just too exhausted to think right now.

Oh I see, that clarifies things a little. From what I've read on these forums I don't find any of this too unusual, except the fact that some of it is unusual for you... and any time you start going through changes it could be the early warning signs of something significant. I don't mean that in a scary way, I just mean like sometimes a new alter starts to emerge or you start to access memories that have been suppressed for years. No one can say for sure, so you're doing the right thing by bringing in a professional who can help you discern whats going on and sort through things slowly.
It's very important to know that these questions don't have to be answered 'right now'... you've got time to sort it out, so try to let some pressure off your self in that department.
I find it helpful if I right down questions, symptoms, whatever it is I'm "stressing" about either on post its or a notebook or something. Not only does it ease my mind (because now the paper can hold them for me, I don't have to keep thinking when its hard to think) but also then I don't forget to ask them when I step into my therapists office, say 2 words and start crying and then cant remember anything I needed to talk about! I guess it also kind of puts things in perspective and paints a more clear picture of what your dealing with. When I first wrote mine down I realized this was affecting my life far more than I had ever realized. Because it sneaks up on you slowly, and you just get used to it as you go through life, you know? Then you become exhausted from all the work it takes to appear normal and just reach a breaking point! That's how I see it any way, or at least how it was for me.
I think it's great that your alters reach out, and were able to call the pdoc (even angry animals, lol!), ...many people don't reveal their alters to their therapists. I think that will help you have progress in therapy. Try not to worry about the memory... I believe some of those things only become clear with time. Either another memory may surface that confirms or denies the first, or something else will bring clarity. I recommend reading through old posts here in just the DID section. I always learn something new or make a new connection with my own symptoms when I'm reading other people's stories and insights. Unless you're too exhausted! Try to honor how your body is feeling, rest if you need to rest, etc. There is alway time to revisit your thoughts and questions later.
You're gonna be ok ~ I think you're doing pretty great considering the circumstances.

Can anybody else relate, or offer more insight than me?

It would be remiss of us not to give our names, I imagine. While I find this whole exercise utterly futile, I am informed that I must, so I shall.

--Puppetmaster

Puppetmaster: Keeper of Secrets, the demon Manipulates.

Kei: Bringer of Beauty, the angel gives Love.

Rebel: Woman of Rebellion, her weapon of Anger.

Rabid: Wolf of Protection, foam the blood of Savagry.

Paradox Reality: The Host

Currently our host cannot be trusted to not end his miserable existance, and bring the rest of us with him. If you have yet more innane questions, it will likely be answered by one of us until further notice.

I responded earlier, but it timed out and I can’t remember what I said. Something about me relating to knowing memories are abusive, but not fully regarding it as abuse and/or not having particular expected feelings, such as anger, sadness or disgust. I watch as I choose my own feelings to state here, as I’m sure they are what my parts feel inside. I agree with crackerjack - to pay attention to your feelings and reach out to those you know will support you to avoid a bigger crisis. I pray you find the support you need and I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly. I also think it’s brave to have introduced yourselves to us – Thank you

Thank you for the introductions, Puppetmaster. It is common here to add this info to your signature to avoid confusion (like forever21). It's on the profiles tab of your User Control Panel if you're interested.
I do have a few questions, I was wondering, how much older is the older sister?
Do you have the same memory of the green poncho? Are you okay to talk about it?
Or, would any of the others like to talk about anything?

My apologies. We are yet unsure of our stability at this moment, so I believe I will have a turn to speak.

His sister is seven years his senior. We all recall the memory, but it appears none of us can access it fully, either. This has not prevented a general outcry, of course, but we have prevented as much bleed out of emotions as to not further damage Paradox's mental state.

It would appear that collaborating evidence has come to light in the form of other memories from a later time, that were seemingly unrelated, but ultimately were intimately linked. I do not believe I am given permission to speak on it, sadly. I would thank you for showing us your support--you are very kind, and with luck this place can supply a modicum of stability in the future.

Kei

Hello Kei,
Apologies accepted, but none are needed! I'm pretty sure the majority of us on this forum are unsure of our stability at this moment. That's why a lot of us are here, so it is not only accepted, it is expected.
The seven year age difference makes sense... she would have been 12 when Paradox was 5, at a entirely different level of maturity.

Paradox Reality wrote:It would appear that collaborating evidence has come to light in the form of other memories from a later time, that were seemingly unrelated, but ultimately were intimately linked. I do not believe I am given permission to speak on it, sadly.

Details are not necessary on this forum ~ they are welcomed but not necessary. The way you explained this is very well said, and I can relate to seeing earlier memories "in a new light" that makes them make sense in a way they never did before. There is no need to speak more on it unless or until you wish.
I'm glad you are here, and hope you find it helpful in some way.

Ah... Hello again. I've made it back, finally... I guess they had to keep me under for awhile to make sure I wasn't going to do anything dumb.

I'm feeling a tad better. I still haven't slept, but I managed to talk about it with a friend who'd also been abused. I guess actually talking out loud about stuff really is helpful.

Her and I came to the conclusion that all the various bits and pieces of evidence I had, support my memories being legit. It's funny how you might not notice something for so long, and when you actually pay attention it turns out events are far more significant.

Odds are good I'm still not going to be able to sleep for awhile longer, but... thanks. I dunno how things will go from here, but I'm glad people were kind enough to listen.