Wow... just wow... *Trigger Warning*

*Trigger Warning. System Talk, strong emotions, intense situation*

I am the Protector of my system.

Something terrible happened last night. There's a gal that I was thinking of moving in with, a very good friend. If you check an earlier post, you will see that we've been having some "girl" trouble with a new casual partner. Sometimes tension builds up like air in a balloon, and you have to let it all out to keep things from bursting. I texted my gal last night to let her know how I felt, and then the child cried to my friend because she needed to let out some angst that had been building up for around a month. Angst angst angst. You know the drill (I'd vented here on the forum too).

It was so good, though, that I finally had the courage to talk with the new partner about my feelings. I'd made a breakthrough, and I was so proud of myself. I did not foresee what would happen next.

The casual partner is my friend's next door neighbor. My friend proceeded to head out when she knew that my gal would be taking a smoke break and told her, "You're neglecting my friend, and if you don't shape up, she'll leave you." etc. blahblahblah *upsetting my partner* I heard her talking through the wall and immediately sent out another friend to make her stop.

My friend realized how upset I was with her and drove away. My male part popped out and started expressing intense anger. "I trusted her! I just needed to vent! How DARE she approach my partner without my permission!? My relationships are MY business."

A different friend said, "Well, when you are upset in our apartment it becomes our business, and for your information I was out there with her encouraging and supporting her to look out for you, so if you want to be angry, be angry at me."

My partner texts, "I don't like what just happened to me...Maybe this was a mistake..."

My male part said to my other friend, "She won't come back now. You've ###$ things up for me big time, dude. You are a complete jackass, and she is a bitch. My relationships. My business. My relationships. My business. The most that you should do it support us. Getting involved... that's crossing a line."

"You can call me what you will, but you're not $#%^ talking *name*"

The child collapsed onto the bed and burst into tears. I sent texts in the meantime to calm down my partner, and the text times show that I was lying there for nearly 40 minutes but it felt like 5.

Suddenly, the others were gone, and I was left alone. I felt weak and tired. I'd tried so hard to take care of all of them. I never feel like I can't handle something, but last night, for the first time in a long time, I felt weak. I got up and stumbled, almost falling over, because I'm hardly ever out on my own (not blended), and I'm not used to using the legs.

My friend came back.

"You made a mistake, "I mumbled softly as I almost fell over. A third apartment mate caught me.

"I know," she said.

I started shaking and moaning. I thought that I might vomit. I couldn't breathe. I went out on the porch with the third apartment mate for a while and sat.

My partner popped her head out the door, and when she saw me, she came over and took my hand gently before hopping on her motorcycle and driving off.

The third apartment mate drove me around for a little while and just listened to me talk before dropping me back off at my apartment.

My feelings:

1. I want to be able to take care of everyone. It's my job. If we are not psychologically safe with my friend, I will have to put up some barriers, and I can't keep that act up 24/7. Therefore, I should reconsider living with her. I need us to feel safe. I'm the only thing keeping this system afloat, and if someone makes me feel as though I cannot do my job, that's not a good thing.

2. While I have my reservations about the partner, I realized last night why I haven't turned her away. With most past partners, the other two have largely been the ones interacting with the lover while I watch from the sidelines. In this relationship, I've been out a fair deal of the time because the gal met me first, and was attracted to me. I've never been in love. No one had ever called me beautiful or cute before this person. It's nice, even if it hurts the other two sometimes.

The truth of the matter is that I don't ever stop and consider my own wants and needs, and that's not a good thing. I think that I have unintentionally bonded with the partner. I respect her and I care about her, even though I know that she leaves the other two feeling insecure and afraid. I am compromised... I can't selflessly do my job... But at the same, time I kind of like it. Even if she never comes back because of what my friend did, for a short period of time, someone thought that I was beautiful.

Today, I am still here alone. The other two are around somewhere, but they are weak. The world feels like a very different place than it did yesterday.

Hi,

That sounds really painful. It's so important to be in love and SOOOOOOO confusing. It's really hard on protectors since we're supposed to be taking care of others. I'm glad you are getting some love for you too. You are really brave and smart. I bet you will figure it out.

Iain