Trouble with a New Partner

I mostly need to vent.

I've been hanging around a new partner, and she was telling me about a lot of her psychological issues, so I thought that it was safe to discuss my own. I told her about the system and then explained that I hadn't been diagnosed with anything. "I've not got it nearly as bad as most folks, so I like to call it DID-lite."

"I can see that. You often seem really variable from moment to moment, and before you do things, you stop and seem to confirm with yourself that it's the right thing to do."

But later, she said, "I was scared that you were going to become someone else and be all weird, but you haven't, so I don't really think that there's anything wrong with you. Maybe you're just trying to figure out who you are, and you're confused."

That really hurt my feelings.

I mean... if she thinks that it's normal that one moment I'm jumping around and giggling, the next moment I'm a polite Southern belle, and a few minutes later when we're playing video games I'm cursing like a fishwife and telling her friends, "I'm gonna whoop yo' asses," she must not be paying attention. She's even seen me triggered. The child has curled up in her lap and listened quietly as she talked about her own problems for hours.

What was she expecting? I'm not violent, and there's nothing "exotic" about me.

Hi !

Your new partner wrote: "I was scared that you were going to become someone else and be all weird, but you haven't, so I don't really think that there's anything wrong with you. Maybe you're just trying to figure out who you are, and you're confused."

Well, I can see many interpretations to that sentence. One of them being that you are not scary Although I understand it can also take a meaning that diminishes what you are going through. And after all, with DID, aren't we figuring out who we are and being confused in the process ? I know I am.

Morgan_le_Fey wrote:What was she expecting? I'm not violent, and there's nothing "exotic" about me.

Typical depictions of DID tend to be the "exotic, or turn into a serial killer" overly dramatic take on the disorder, which ultimately don't depict what it really is at all. I'm not really surprised about that reaction, since most people unfamiliar with dissociative disorders and their presentation and impacts in reality tend to believe radically different and extreme "split personnalities" to be truth in television.

I'm sorry I can't be much more helpful though.

It seems like your partner has seen the Hollywood version of DID. It's understandable why her reaction hurts your feelings since you are clearly struggling but things that are clearly seen by us are not that noticeable to people who see this for the first time. We live with it, we know what makes us different but the people around us have a hard time seeing it, even if we stand right in front of them.
It's frustrating but that's the reason why so many of us are misdiagnosed. You stated that you have trouble with a new partner but please keep in mind that your partner is new.
She may need some time to understand and see how DID effects you and she may need some help from you to understand that such comments hurt. Since she has some psychological issues of her own she should be able to understand that pain at least.

Iluranai wrote:She may need some time to understand and see how DID effects you and she may need some help from you to understand that such comments hurt.

You're probably right.

Iluranai wrote:ISince she has some psychological issues of her own she should be able to understand that pain at least.

I'm not so sure to be honest. She's messed up in lots of other ways too.

*Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide Ideation*

She has exposed me to pictures of self-harm and even put a loaded weapon into my hand with little care for the fact that both situations left me whimpering and shaking. She didn't even apologize. It worries me. My protector thinks that she is bad for us.

*trigger warning

Um sorry but could you please tell me what she was doing with a loaded weapon in the first place couse it doesn't sound quite...safe for her to have it if she selfharms.
Secondly , did she expres some sort of emotion while she showed you those pictures cause if she isn't able to express her own she may not able to recognise yours.
And lastly, be alert cause protectors are usually more times right than wrong (that's what made them protectors in the first place) and trust your insticts if it feels like something is off about her ,instincts do not lie.

Morgan --

Iluranai is giving you great insightful answers.

Most people, especially if they are self-absorbed will not notice who is out. We live in a society where it's not polite to really see what we see. Too most people it's an invasion of privacy — so most people pretend a sort of blindness and so forth.

People with DID and some other mental issues will see and be aware of what they see. This can be confusing to us. Just think of most people as "sleepwalking through life" and you get the picture.

My best wishes go out to you and everyone in your system.

Iluranai wrote:*trigger warning
Um sorry but could you please tell me what she was doing with a loaded weapon in the first place couse it doesn't sound quite...safe for her to have it if she selfharms.
Secondly , did she expres some sort of emotion while she showed you those pictures cause if she isn't able to express her own she may not able to recognise yours.
And lastly, be alert cause protectors are usually more times right than wrong (that's what made them protectors in the first place) and trust your insticts if it feels like something is off about her ,instincts do not lie.

She used to self-harm. To be honest, I'm not sure why it was loaded. It was with some machetes, so I think that she might collect things.

She expressed hardly any emotion when she was telling me about any of her issues, even when she was talking about a near death experience. Perhaps you are right. Maybe she didn't realize to what extent those things affected me.

No worries. We've informed our friends of the situation, and we are not investing too much emotionally until we are sure of the safety of progressing further.

Seeing what is obvious is not an invasion of privacy, it is accepting what is real. Not seeing what is apparent isn't politeness, it is obliviousness.

Morgan, I agree with your protector. I don't know if your new friend ("partner" sounds a little premature) is necessarily bad for you but definitely your personal boundaries need to be better attended to. Ultimately it is not your friend's job to keep you safe: it is your own job. So now you know this friend is callous about a number of issues that are upsetting to you and you may need to exercise greater caution around her, at least for a while.

Una+ wrote:Seeing what is obvious is not an invasion of privacy, it is accepting what is real. Not seeing what is apparent isn't politeness, it is obliviousness.

Morgan, I agree with your protector. I don't know if your new friend ("partner" sounds a little premature) is necessarily bad for you but definitely your personal boundaries need to be better attended to. Ultimately it is not your friend's job to keep you safe: it is your own job. So now you know this friend is callous about a number of issues that are upsetting to you and you may need to exercise greater caution around her, at least for a while.

English doesn't have enough words to describe the intricacies of different relationships. She is a casual partner. I am going out with her and making love to her. She's not a friend.

I actually recently used to word "callous" to describe her behavior. I don't expect for anyone to keep me safe, but I do expect for friends and "people who I am seeing" to not unnecessarily expose me to common triggers without my permission. It's not all on me.

I have, however, been altering my behavior towards her. My protector said to a friend last night, "I am here to look out for people, and I will include her in that if it is momentarily good for the system. I think that she could come to be an ally with time, but I will always have myself ready to 'strike her down' if it is required."