I think my "original" is a persecutor now

So I was diagnosed about mine months ago, before that I didn't really put the pieces together that I could have DID. I don't black out I just lose memories later. Although I guess I could black out and just have the memories smoothed over, I think that has happened before for momentary losses of consciousness. Anyway, I recently was told that one of my alters, who seems to have earlier memories than everyone else, is in fact the oldest, and we all split away from her. I think around age 6 it was decided that I would be the best to be in front most of the time, and so I've developed as the "me" everyone on the outside knows.

When I was around 14, I became increasingly aware of a few of them but somehow it never occurred to me that it was odd to talk to people in my head. I spoke to this alter, K, and two others, M and A. M was a protector and A was just a good friend. K, however would basically whisper things to me to make me hate myself. I thought she was some kind of demon voice basically, trying to destroy me. I tried my hardest to cast her out of my mind, but the best I could do of course was to confine her.

After being diagnosed I started talking with her again, and she has been very angry with me for locking her away/suppressing her voice. She said she was just trying to protect me by trying to push me to be a perfectionist so I wouldn't get hurt.

But I'm starting to remember, and that's not what it was. She wasn't telling me to be better, she was telling me things that made me feel terrible about myself, that worsened my OCD traits.

I think she's become an abuser, and I think being abused turned her into a bad person, and I was the part that was still the good, real her, and I got to take over. But I forgot about them and they are impatient to have a bigger role in the outside world.

And meanwhile she hasn't been able to really grow. She's made of anger. And she manipulated me. I decided that working on letting her be out would help us all move forward, but I tried it and the next day she tried to take over completely and make me lose consciousness.

I talked to a friend who has DID about this, and after talking with K she said that K sounds like a sociopath.

I'm really afraid. I can't get away from an abuser that lives inside my head.

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this? Or does anyone share this experience? Thank you.

*Trigger Warning* *References of past self-abuse, past crises, and coming into a state of increased self-awareness*

Other people can definitely give you better advice than I can, but I can share my experiences.

For a long time, I thought that it was normal to talk to myself and serve as a companion for myself, and I didn't realize that there was anything unusual about that. My male part was in control for most of high school. He's also quite the perfectionist. He has to arrive at least 30 minutes-1 hr early to meetings. If something can't be done perfectly, he's inclined to not do it at all.

When things weren't "good enough," I used to say terrible things to myself even though I could feel that it was hurting a small child inside of me. I'd also torment her for being "weak" and "emotional." There was another presence inside who protested these advances. Things were very stormy. I didn't understand what was going on.

Then, a couple of years ago, during a crisis, the two of them left the mental room that we live in. I felt what it was to be alone for the first time. It was very scary. It was then that I had to admit to myself that something was not right with me. "Normal" people don't have "parts" that can move around a mental space.

We attempted to become more aware of each other and our needs. With that transition, I had to recognize the fact that when I said terrible things, I was being abusive. I can't expect for everyone inside to meet my standards of perfection; even I can't meet them. It was really eye-opening. I also got to know the "protesting protector" a lot better. I respect her a lot. She lets me know when I'm getting out of line, and she keeps me from hurting the little one. I've tried to be better for both of them because we're a "family" now, and I could be a better man than I am.

Every system is different but based on my experiences, I'd say that having around another part that your abusive alter respects or considers an authority figure can help. I'm very introspective, and that's a trait that's been useful for me throughout this process, but I know that not everyone is great at that. I think that in the end, it helps if she genuinely wants to change. It also really helped me to figure out why perfection was so important to me in the first place and to work through those issues on my own. Keep in mind that if she agrees to try to work through her issues, your abuser is going to have to ask herself some pretty serious and personal questions. She'll need to do a lot of thinking, and it might be painful. Be as patient as you can, firm but kind.

I hope that that helps a little.

Thanks. I guess the problem is that she really doesn't care if she's being abusive. I had another alter who was being abusive and when that was brought to her attention she stopped and thought about it and is sorry and trying to change. This one doesn't want to change, doesn't even know who she is or what morality is, and there is no authority higher than her inside, including me. I guess that's why I'm afraid. She is so powerful in my system, I don't know how to deal with her being this way. She's constantly blurring my vision trying to get me to leave.

We had someone like that. So we, the others, grouped up and together we were strong enough to actually have influence on his behavior. Eventually he turned around and now he's a great asset to the system. They are not a sociopath, they are just misguided protectors. He was scared to be locked up again but when he was ruining life he was locked up and put on guard, until he agreed to work with us. Meanwhile, because we had locked him inside a see through ''jail'', he had seen enough of how we interact with each other, and he had learned a lot of things, reasons for not being mean for example, or reasons why he thinks that "kids are a bother", reasons why they are 'being a bother', things like that, so he could understand why things are the way they are, and try to work with us instead of against us. The cussing, name-calling, frightening images and rude hijackings became less and less over time, and every time he did it I would call him out on it and explain why this is not good for TheCollective, that he is hurting himself blablah, that he's the weak child he's trying to hate etc, but also that I understand why he got like that and that it's okay for now cause he can't help the way he is, patience so to say. You can see that it takes tons of work, but it pays off cause by now he asks for permission to take walks in his own clothes. Telling his story or at least part of it made a huge difference, but you have to be ready to hear it before you ask them to tell their story. On my own I would not be strong enough to stand up against him but as a team we were. Which means he actually helped our system cooperation a lot by making us work together. Now we're the team, we're a lot stronger cause he's part of the team now. It definitely is possible to turn misguided protectors like this around. It all starts with realizing and accepting that you all belong in this body and that there's no real way to run, and having some empathy for each other and each others' stories. Working together is the only real option.